THE UNLUCKY 13

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

You may have heard of The Sweet 16 or The Elite 8, but today HHI featured THE UNLUCKY 13. Captains were Magnum & Big Bob (Smokeless for well over 100 days) although Bob acted as a Figurehead while appointing What the Heck as his Defacto Drafter and they split up the UNLUCKY 13 as follows:
* Just Say No = Smokeless Bob, Steve-Roller Heck, Old School Bruce, Iron Mike, Stiff Rich, and Quick Mike
* Yes Men = Magnum Mike, Mighty Kerr, Follow the Bouncing Ball--Brett Gaul, Scholesinator, Gary US Bonds, and Miller {M2} Madness
* UNLUCKY 13th Man Rover = Radon Rader

Game 1 started with Commissioner Collin's suspension of Quick Mike for 5 points due to his continued tardiness, and some may equate the 1st 5 points of the 1st game to a "seems like a lifetime" suspension. With Quick on the sidelines, hopefully learning his tough love lesson, the Yes Men jumped to the lead & only looked back a couple times while getting the "W".

Game 2 saw THE UNLUCKY 13th Man--Roving Radon Rader (RRR) switching over to the Yes Men who actually threw him the ball (unlike Just Say No) and that strategy turned out to be the difference as Triple R's 2 points were the difference in a 15-13 victory that clinched the Daily Championship for the Yes Men.

In Game 3, Just Say No just said no to another loss and played very well for pride while opening up a can of whoop-ass on the Yes Men. This game saw some physical play with Big Bob storming the court after Magnum's Sack of Quick and later Just Say No went after Magnum's bad ankle to put him out of the game.

Just Say No's prideful play carried over to the Iron Man Finale (IMF) sparked by Stiff Rich, although the Yes Men hung around on Gary US Bond deuces. At the end with Magnum sidelined, the Yes Men did not have a good answer for the Steve-Roller and thus Just Say No prevailed for the IMF Title.

Commissioner Collin left quickly after the IMF to hammer out a joint advertising deal with Subway. The Campaign will be something along these lines: At Subway, we now open at 8am on Saturdays so you can enjoy a good hoagie with your HHI basketball.

MARCH MADNESS #1 vs. #16

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

HHI was looking for a Cinderella Story this morning as it was MARCH MADNESS #1 vs. #16. In the pre-game, Commissioner Collin was putting dribbling obstacles on the court to school the #16 seeds in the Fun--damentals. For the MARCH MADNESS tipoff, here were the bracketed squads:
* #16 Albany Southern Monmouth Oral Roberts (ASMOR) = Captain Mighty, Scholesinator, What the Heck, Old School, Swoop, and Miller {M2} MADNESS
* # 1 Villanova Duke UConn Memphis (VDUM) = Legendary Coach D.D. Bails, Smoker Bob (Over 100 Days Without a Cigarette), Quick Mike, Iron Mike, Pat's Steaks, and Follow the Bouncing Ball--Brett Gaul

Game 1 of the Quadruple-header saw #1 VDUM destroying ASMOR's Cinderella Story, or as the late Johnny Cochran would have said--if the slipper don't fit, ASMOR must quit. But #16 ASMOR didn't quit--playing a little better in Game #2 and getting a little closer, but close only counts in horse shoes & hand grenades and VDUM ultimately ringered & blew up ASMOR's dreams. Game 3 saw #16 ASMOR throw a real scare into #1 VDUM and it looked like they just might pull off the improbable MARCH MADNESS upset, but they simply did not get the job done at the end.

With VDUM's Legendary Coach D.D. Bales gone for the MARCH MADNESS Iron Man Finale game and thus enable to counter, ASMOR came up with the ingenious strategy of putting the ball into the basket--who would have thunk it. But just when it looked like history was going to be made with ASMOR winning big, #1 VDUM bombed in some deuces to get back into it. But-But at the buzzer, #16 ASMOR shocked #1 VDUM with a totally unexpected "baseball double-play" ala Tinker to Evers to Chance, only it was Miller to Poletti to Heck for the MARCH MADNESS #16 defeats #1 Basket.

HHI CONFERENCE TOURNAMENT

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Commissioner Collin was fired up for today's HHI CONFERENCE TOURNAMENT and his enthusiasm carried over to these Final 3 squads:
* Millersville = Captain Miller, Big Bob (Smokeless for about 100 Days), Bank'in Bowers, Pat's Steaks, and Follow the Bouncing Ball Brett
* Iron Institute = Captain Iron Mike, Steve-Roller What the Heck, Old School Bruce, Stiff Rich, and Scholesinator
* Mac State = Coach Bill Mac, Swoop, Magnum, Mighty Kerr, and Quick Mike

Round 1 of the HHI CONFERENCE TOURNAMENT started with one of the fastest openers in league history as What the Heck's scoring spurred the Iron Institute's victory over Millersville. Iron Institute then stayed in the winner's bracket with a tough 7-6 win over Mac State. The Stink'in Losers bracket then saw Millersville prevail by another 7-6er over Mac State.

Round 2 started with science class (Note the HHI CONFERENCE is known for its academics) as Iron [Fe] was identified as the most abundant heavy metal in the universe & the HHI CONFERENCE, but that did not stop a hustle-play rebound by Millersville's Bowers & a resulting deuce from Freshman Brett Gaul from sinking the Iron Institute. The Iron Institute then went down like the Titanic (see Wilson's musical production of the Titanic tonight) as Mac State's Quick beat them at the buzzer.

Before the final game of the HHI CONFERENCE TOURNAMENT, Freshman Brett transferred from Millersville to Albright amidst accusations of recruiting violations which Commissioner Collin will be investigating. Millersville then picked up Heck who described himself as "a poor man's Brett Gaul", but the change in Millersville chemistry reacted into a Mac State win. Thus the HHI CONFERENCE TOURNAMENT finished with all teams tied at 2-2 and all should advance to the NCAA March Madness TOURNAMENT according to the Doctor of Bracketology.

COMMISSIONER COLLIN'S CAUCUS (3C)

By Your Athletic (& 3C) Supporter, Jack Strap

COMMISSIONER COLLIN'S CAUCUS (3C--not to be confused with the 3P) was held last night at the lovely new home of Go to the net Gail (my sources tell me she's a good tennis player) & Old School Bruce. There was a large variety spread of food & beverages for the HHI guests & their better halfs (i.e. wives). I was most impressed by Bruce's Old School Phonograph & well-kept collection of albums.

While the wives largely spent the evening engaging in meaningful conversation, the HHI men played "reindeer" games under the watchful eye of COMMISSIONER COLLIN. They started on the pool table where it became clear that Quick Mike (QM) deserves his moniker as "The Competitive Guy" (TCG) as coined by Lauren "Pole Vault" Poletti at the 3P. QM loudly complained when Iron Mike did not hole a shot exactly as he had called it and then referred to their game as "Slop". After TCG Quick & Jack Strap twice defeated Iron & Swoop, Your Athletic (& 3C) Supporter traded in his cue for some less competitive fun at the dartboard.

Magnum was the MC at the dartboard, but it was COMMISSIONER COLLIN who set the "ground" rules including literally putting paper plates on the ground to signify where to shoot from. The 1st game featured Moneymaker Bales (last Saturday night's PPT Champion), Swoop, Magnum & yours truly in a game I will call "15--Kill or Be Killed" although don't let the name fool you as it was fun. Jack Strap got some level of non-vengeful revenge by "killing" his Poker nemesis--MM Bails, but Magnum ultimately was "darted" (as opposed to "crowned") the 15--KoBK Grand Champion.

Meanwhile I observed TCG Quick Mike (TCG-QM) slamming a ping-pong ball shot into Diane-dretti Poletti in a mixed doubles match also featuring Iron & Cool E. Speaking of Cool E, it's becoming clear to me that Quick would Not be invited to any of these HHI events if it wasn't for her (LOL). I also noted that during the ping-pong matches--the Bowers Boys were doing a good job heckling TCG-QM.

Back at the dartboard after a "boring" game of "baseball" (Your Athletic Supporter continues his assault on baseball dating back to the Strike of 1994), it was time for the 3C Main Event. This was a 6-Man "15-KoBK" Match with Old School, Bank'in Bowers, Magnum, MM Bales, Swoop, and Jack Strap. Your Athletic Supporter was eliminated early, although he returned to the game as a replacement for an early 3C-departing Magnum. Players were eliminated (i.e. Killed) one-by-one including the prohibitive favorite--Old School and once again this Saturday night, it came down to MM Bales vs. Jack Strap. But this Saturday was different as Yours Truly did Magnum Proud by going "All In" to Dart Defeat the Moneymaker Bales.

Swoop & Strap then played some exhibition ping-pong complete with Chinese/Japanese sound effects while simultanoeously watching the N.C. Tar Heels upset Duke in front of the Cameron Crazies. And the evening ended with COMMISSIONER COLLIN delighting the 3C crowd & for once he was not telling anybody to "Go Home".

THANKS to THE COMMISH, Old School, and Go Gail for a very nice evening of 3C Fun with Friends.

SHOTS FIRED AT OZZIE'S/OZZY'S

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Iron Mike was AT the OZZIE'S Cafe on Rt. 183 last night shortly after SHOTS were FIRED and unfortunately there were fatalities. Then Eyewitness Iron was AT OZZY'S on Rt. 61 this morning as SHOTS were FIRED and fortunately there were no real fatalities, although there were Stink'in Losers. Before any real SHOTS were FIRED this AM, there was the HHI Draft with Captains Swoop & Quick selecting these squads:
* Quick Start = Iron Mike, Big Bob (Smokeless for Over 90 Days), Follow the Bouncing Ball Brett, SRBA "J", Miller [M2] Madness, and Quick
* Swoop Finish = Steve-Roller What the Heck, Magnum Mike, Pat's Steak & Bake, Mighty Kerr, Old School Bruce, and Swoop

Game 1 saw Big Bob get Quick Start off to a Quick Start with some Big SHOTS, but Swoop Finish came back from an 8-2 deficit to Finish strong, but not quite strong enough as Quick Start's QB Brett came back from a big Arena Football SHOT from Magnum to Finish Swoop Finish with a game-winning SHOT.

Game 2 saw Commissioner Collin trying to create HHI parity by drawing up some SHOT FIRING plays for Swoop Finish, although the Commish was not playing favorites as he also tested Swoop's breakfast bar for steroids. Collin found no steroids & his plays worked to perfection as Swoop Finish Finished off Quick Start. It was also revealed today that Commissioner Collin is a Great Hot Dog Salesmen in the mold of SNL's Chee-Burger Guy.

In the deciding Game #3, Quick Start appeared to have the Daily Championship well in hand up 14-8, but they just could Not Finish Swoop Finish. After a plethora of Quick Start misses and some Swoop Finish makes, the Teams stood even-steven at 14. It was then that Quick Start's Big Bob stepped up & showed that his nicotine-less body has more stamina as he FIRED in the DC-winning SHOT.

The OZZY'S Iron Man Finale was another good SHOT FIRING game that Quick Start led 14-11 before M2 gave Pat's Steak an open SHOT from the red line (Note the red line is halfway between the deuce-arc and the half-court line) and he buried it. But M2 redeemed himself by snatching a rebound of a woulda-coulda-shoulda been game-tying Swoop Finish SHOT and hitting SRBA "J" in the seam of the deep zone--then "J" Finished for Quick Start's IMF Victory.