ACTUALLY A HOSTILE TAKEOVER

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Years back it appeared that Wyomissing was merging with Da Hills to form a "better together" township, but it is clear now that it was ACTUALLY A HOSTILE TAKEOVER. Case in point impacting HHI is the noticeable deterioration of Da Hills courts post-HOSTILE TAKEOVER. Outside HHI, our new Commissioner Wojo-Mojo from Da Hills is losing a power struggle relating to Wyomissing unilaterally deciding to build a new snack bar at Da Hills Pool. Wojo-Mojo tried to retaliate by buying flood insurance from Wyomissing on Da Hills courts, but when he went to collect today--it turned out in the "magnifying glass needed" fineprint that it only pays off when the water gets up to 10 feet. At that "sea level" only someone who says he can dunk like Scott the Shot could survive.

Speaking of The Shot, he returned this AM at Ozzies and Captained this squad of "Founding Fathers" including Swoop, Scholesinator, Mighty Kerr & Miller {M2} Madness, along with long-time HHIer: Coach Bill. Unfortunately they ran into the superior speed & fire-power of a "Hecklers" squad Captained by Steve-Roller What the Heck and including Big Bob (who in his own words was "unconscious out there" using head fakes & left hand moves), Stay-Puff Marsh-Mellow Man, Diggetty Doug Bales (2 game-winners), Bank'in Bowers, and Pat's Steak & Bake (returning from I/R to bomb in some deuces). The HOSTILE result was a Miami Heat-like four (4) wins in a row for the Hecklers & the Daily Championship.

SUBURBAN RENEWAL

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Commissioner Jerry Wojo-Mojo biked up to HHI this AM to announce his new SUBURBAN RENEWAL Project for Da Hills. The Project includes (but is not limited to) new baskets, resurfaced courts, elimination of curbs, graffiti removal (except where Swoop & Scholesy enjoyed sitting), pavilion upgrade, a scoreboard with instant replay capability, and the elimination of Stiff Rich.

Despite the deteriorating conditions, Hills Hoops Inc. played on with a U.S. Open Tribute to the late Earl Woods (since Tiger is not playing today) and these virtual franchises:
* I Birdied the Par 6 = Sheriff Hacker Bob, What the Heck, Scholesinator, and Who Killed Kenny
* Iron+3 = Iron Mike, Sargent Carter, Big Bob (who looks slimmer in black), and Mighty Kerr
* I Got Wood = Swoop, Quick, Bank'in, and DD Bales
* 4 Putt = Coach, JR, Pistol Pete, and M2
* Late (because he has young kids) Arriving Rover = Stay-Puff Marsh-Mellow Man

Round 1 of the SUBURBAN RENEWAL Tournament saw 4 Putt beat (pun Not intended) I Got Wood within an inch of their lives only to see Swoop & Quick hit 4 straight deuces (chances same as winning the lottery) to win it for "Wood". Meanwhile in a game I did not see, I Birdied the Par 6 defeated Iron+3 led by Sheriff Hacker Bob's versatile skill-set according to Sheriff Hacker Bob.

The Stink'In Losers switched courts for Round 2 and JR got 4 Putt off to a quick start vs. I Birdied the Par 6 before departing to take his young son (who was upset--like the rest of us--that Hall of Fame Commissioner Collin was not there) home. Steve-Roller Heck ate his replacement (Wyo-Clinic) for brunch and Sheriff Hacker Bob broke 4 Putt's early momentum with a math-impaired argument about the score as I Birdied the Par 6 improved to 2-0. Also improving to 2-0 was I Got Wood who emerged victorious in a spirited battle against Iron+3.

So that set-up the SUBURBAN RENEWAL Daily Championship Games. The Stink'In Losers Championship = 4 Putt vs. Iron+3 and the Winners Bracket Championship = I Got Wood vs. I Birdied the Par 6. About halfway through, Commissioner Wojo-Mojo said he could not tell the Winners from the Losers & there is a very fine line there in HHI. What he could tell was that 4 Putt won the Stink'In Losers Title while Swoop's swoop won the Daily Championship for I Got Wood.

Right as the Championships were ending, Commissioner Wojo-Mojo's Boss = Alexa (i.e. the original Cleveland Cavalieri--well before Lebron) arrived on the scene & hopefully she's involved in this SUBURBAN RENEWAL Project as then something may actually get done. I didn't hear their whole conversation, but it ended with Jerry saying "Yes Dear" which seems as good a way as any to end this report.

HHI vs. NBA COMPARISONS

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

The HHI vs. NBA COMPARISONS are inevitable this time every year during the NBA Finals, so I'll give it to you right here & save you from reading all the HHI vs. NBA COMPARISONS from those hack sportswriters over the next couple weeks. I was curious about the NBA, so I stayed up for Game 1 of their Finals, thus qualifying me to make this HHI vs. NBA COMPARISON. The NBA has Shaq COMPARED to HHI who has Caddy-Shack. The NBA has a guy from Chicago who I saw dunk in the game (Dwayne Wade) COMPARED to HHI who has a guy from Chicago who says he can dunk (Scott the Shot). The NBA has a goofy guy from Germany named Dirk COMPARED to HHI "black sheep" from SRBA named Stiff Rich. The HHI vs. NBA COMPARISONS end right there as HHI plays their Series Finals each & every time they play including this AM as follows:
* Miller's Mavericks = Coach Bill, Scholesinator, Iron Mike, SRBA "J", Stiff Rich, Stay-Puff Marsh-Mellow Man, amd Miller {M2} Madness
* Swoop's Heat = What the Heck, Quick Mike, Mighty Kerr, Diggetty Doug Bales, FUn Frank, Gary US Bonds, and Swoop

Game 1 was a slobber-knocker as the Mavs were slobbering while the Heat were knocking them into next week. The Mavs got off the canvas & came back in Game 2 to tie the series by nailing a 1/2 dozen deuces in a 21-17 win. Then in Game 3 with Stay-Puff Marsh-Mellow evidently off to be roasted at a camp fire girl's retreat, the Heat turned up the Heat to win the HHI Series Daily Championship. They also won a poor excuse for an Iron Man Finale to 9, but enough of that & on to a problem to be addressed by our new Commissioner Wojo-Mojo: the over-crowding problem with fourteen (14) players at Ozzies being atleast two too many. Wojo-Mojo?

In other HHI news & I'm sure the NBA has no COMPARISON for this: Quick Mike will be organizing an HHI/TCFL Golf Outing & Gary-Ozzie advised that we could use their hockey rink for some Old-Time Hockey on a Saturday morning in July or August.

HAWAII 5-0, 5-0, 5-0

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Incoming Commissioner Jerry Wojo-Mojo was a Nojo-Show this AM as HHI Lawyers: Dewey Dickum & Howe continue to try to Hammer out his multi-week (& multi-weak) deal. Speaking of Commishes, I had a Scott the Shot-like Sighting this AM of Commissioner Collin's chauffeur--Old School Bruce. And speaking of Hammering (or lack thereof), Magnum & Heck were out today & thus ineligible for the HHI Draft conducted by Captain Bowers & Coach Bill with the results as follows:
* Killer B's = Bank'in Bowers, Big Bob, Biggetty Bug Bails, Barry "Balco US" Bonds, BUn Brank & Biller {B2} Badness
* Kill Bill = Coach Bill, Stiff Rich, Iron Mike, Pistol Pete, Swoop, and Quick Mike
* 13th Man "Hero Back" = Mighty Kerr

Before Game 1, his Team wanted to Kill Bill, but there was No truth to the rumor that Coach had traded all of his early round picks for Ricky "From Columbia to Canada" Williams. Nonetheless, it created a negative kharma for Kill Bill that the Killer B's capitalized on it in a 15-10 or better said--a HAWAII 5-0 victory. Speaking of HAWAII 5-0, it reminds me of another player left off of REMEMBRANCE--Book'em Dano.

Game 2 saw the Killer B's swarming on defense & stinging on offense in another HAWAII 5-0 win. Which accumulatively made it HAWAII 5-0, 5-0. Game 3 showed that Bowers was not only a brilliant picker, but also a big-time shooter as he hit the key deuce down the stretch in another Killer B's 5-0 triumph. Thus HAWAII 5-0, 5-0, 5-0 for the Killer B's Daily Championship.

But the slate was cleared for the Iron Man Finale (IMF) and Kill Bill exorcised & exercised their prideful will to win while taking a 20-15 (or HAWAII 0-5) lead. Then US Bonds tried to literally Kill Bill, knocking Coach's glasses off & drawing blood. But with blood "gushing out" around his eyes, Coach somehow managed to see the basket (or maybe he didn't?) in hitting the IMF-winning shot.