TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Plenty to talk/write about today, so we'll go "straight to the pictures" as ESPN's Dan Patrick (who I don't believe is any relation to Danica Patrick) said, except all I have is words (check with the HHI Paparazzi if you want pictures). Anyway, it was an HHI Classic Match-Up:
* Voices of Reason = Captain Lipper, Sargent Carter (who recently returned from a vacation in South Dakota, which is below North Dakota for the geographically challenged), Quick Mike, Mighty Kerr, Scholesinator, Iron Mike, and DJ Jazzy Jones
* Paragons of Virtue = Captain Miller, Who Killed Kenny, Diggetty Doug Bales, Swoop (who has visited Sioux City or maybe it was that Lawyer's Resort: Sue City), Free Ride Todd, EX-Smoker Bob, and TEXAS Pete.

The long & short of it was that it was Da Hills' TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE as the Paragons of Virtue won big in straight sets: 15-8, 15-5, 15-10. TEXAS Pete showed up in his TEXAS jersey which is a best-seller on http://www.HHI.com (go there now to order yours) and then proceeded to put on a mid-range (i.e. that area between short-range layups & long-range deuces) shooting clinic to lead the POV's to the coveted Daily Championship. For more on the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: http://texaschainsawmovie.com/

Now on to other HHI (Hills Hoops Inc.) News:
Our "Jack Strap For A Day" HHI Writing Contest Winner--Swoop has a Stalker. Swoop's Stalker's name is Alex W. who is a 24 year old male from New York. He is evidently a Transformer (see for yourself at http://www.blogger.com/profile/4426468 and also click on his web page) & an "Aries" (a lethal combo). He somehow found Swoop's Winning Report on a BLOG search & Commented and I quote: : ) Note you too can "Comment" on any of my HHI BLOG reports, but please don't send me a smily face like Swoop's Stalker--Alex W. In addition, rumor has it that Alex W (aka Swoop's Stalker) may show up today at the 3P. If he does, it could be another TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

New HHI BLOG subscriber, DJ Jazzy Jones went down on the 1st play today with a leg injury (ala PSU's Ki-Jana Carter with the Bengals). Hopefully it is not serious and he will return quickly, especially for those who have him in your HHI Fantasy Basketball League. This continues the bad luck of new HHI subscribers getting hurt in their 1st game after signing up. Hopefully that will not befell (and No that is not from the Urban Dictionary) Free Ride Todd who just gave me his email address.

Let's start a new paragraph for Free Ride Todd. After extensive research & background checks on Todd W. Painton (the name fits as he brought a "ton of Pain" on the Voices of Reason today), I have learned the following: he is a "Building Product Sales Consultant" for Wolf Distributing (an ISO Registered Company) on Crackersport Rd. in Allentown. What I really like about Wolf is their mottos "Leader of the Pack" and "Cry Wolf! for Quality Building Products". If you need some Quality Building Products, "Cry Wolf!" to Free Ride Todd @ 866-227-6521 ext. 491.

Let's seque from Todd to the guy who recruited & gave him a "Free Ride" to HHI--that would be Hoooo Shot JR. A UPS truck pulled up today and guess who jumped out? That would be Hoooo Shot JR, decked out in UPS Brown or as EX-Smoker Bob said "HHI's new jerseys" (not to be confused with the state of the same name which gets more vacationers than South Dakota--reference Sargent Carter above). A short time after JR departed, his Competition: FedEx whizzed by and in fact--there was alot of traffic out at Da Hills today. The police patrolled by atleast 3 times, evidently looking for Stone Cold who was known to commit "Assault & Battery" when he was playing for HHI. And Hills Hoops Inc. is now evidently part of the Greater Reading Tour as a Tour Bus came by and I'm pretty sure I heard the driver say "to your right is the internationally famous white men of basketball and site today of Da Hills' TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE".

DESCRIBING BASKETBALL

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

In DESCRIBING BASKETBALL--one Might use phrases like "poetry in motion", "soaring majestically", "graceful moves", "silky touch", "gliding to the hoop", etc. And then again you Might Not if you saw Hills Hoops Inc. (HHI) in action this AM @ Ozzies with these virtual franchises:
* Mag-Num's Fee-Fi-Fo-Fums = Magnum, What the Heck, EX-Smoker Big Bob, and Miller {M2} Madness
* Mod Todd Squad = Free Ride Todd, DJ Jazzy, Swoop, DD Bales & Coach
* JR's Riders = Hooo Shot JR, Quick Mike, Iron Mike, Stiff Rich, and Stay-Puff Marsh-mellow Man

The opening contest started with the Free Ride Todd scoring inside & out in leading his Mod Todd Squad to the "W" over favored JR's Riders. Thus the Mod Todd Squad stayed on the court to face the Gigantic Mag-Num's Fee-Fi-Fo-Fums. Well atleast (4) of them stayed on the court as they opted to use a sub rather than let the 'Fums pick-up a free agent player. A rather Odd Mod Todd Squad strategy by HHI standards, but if you've been around HHI long enough--you've seen it all. If I was DESCRIBING this BASKETBALL game--I could lose my writer's license if I used the aforementioned phrases as this was a knock-down, drag-out, slobber-knocker of a game that was eventually (and I mean eventually) Won by the 'Fums.

The Fee-Fi-Fo-Fums then moved on to face JR's Riders who had been sitting so long that rigor mortis had just about set in. This was another close game, but the Giant 'Fums came up big (pun intended) at the end to remain undefeated & keep JR's winless. But JR's Riders then showed character in bouncing back to avenge their opening loss to the Mod Todd Squad. In the final game of the Tourney, it was Mag-Num's Fee-Fi-Fo-Fums capturing the Daily Championship while laying the smack down on a tired Mod Todd Squad.

So that just left the Iron Man Finale (IMF) to 21 where the DC 'Fums with Quick & Coach took on JR, Swoop, Stiff, Marsh-mellow, Bales & Iron. EX-Smoker Bob literally took matters (& the ball) into his own hands in this game as his DC 'Fums looked to take home all the "gold". With the DC 'Fums up 20-17, Iron Mike nailed a big-time deuce to pull his squad within one. At the other end, Quick wondered "What Would Bob Do (WWBD)?" as he stood at the deuce-line only needing a point to win, so he decided to fire from long-range & unlike Bob--he missed. Then JR came down & nailed a bigger-time IMF Title deuce to defeat the undefeated Mag-Num's Fee-Fi-Fo-Fums.

STRAP-LESS SATURDAY

By Your HHI WRITING CONTEST WINNER, Swoop

It was a STRAP-LESS SATURDAY and no it was not the evening gown portion of the Miss America contest. Jack was off tending to family duties, thus he was not there to witness today's match ups. The 4 Captains Mighty, Bails, Coach and Hacker chose their squads for the talent portion of the contest.

Bail's™Belly Dancers = JR, Marsh, Lip & DJ

Mighty's™Mimers = Quick, Scholesy, Smoker & Iron

Coach's™Crooners = Heck, Texas Pete & Pat's Steaks

Hacker's™Hypnotists = Free Ride Todd, Magnum & Swoop

The first games saw the two teams of 5 square off with Mighty's Mimers (MM) defeating Bail's Belly Dancers (BBD) 11-10. JR was seen shaking his head and mumbling to himself as they left the court after blowing a 7-3 lead. On the other court in the 4 on 4 match-up Hacker's Hypnotists defeated Coach's Crooners by the identical 11-10 score.

Round 2 saw all teams pull even at 1-1 as CC defeated MM and despite a furious come back attempt BBD defeated HH. Despite the heat and humidity no one left early as the teams moved into Round 3. BBD defeated CC and HH did the same to MM leaving 2 teams at 2-1 and 2 teams at 1-2.

They didn't want to go to the score cards, so the teams took the court for Round 4. Once again not a single early departure, as no one was willing to have the Daily Championship determined by some washed up celebrity judge. In the losers bracket MM fell to CC while in a grueling game HH defeated BBD 11-9 on a post-up bucket by Free Ride Todd for the DC.

Instead of the crowning ceremony, ten tired players opted for an Iron Man Finale, which looked more like a deuce shooting contest. Magnum was the only member of the DC team to play in the Finale. After which, an exhausted Magnum, like a punch drunk prize fighter, knew he had tried to hang on too long, suffering the loss instead of going out on top.

Let me say once again what a great job Jack Strap does. It was hard enough remembering who was on which team (I had to call Iron for some help) and who won. I really don't know how Jack also seems to recall all the winning buckets and memorable plays. I will gladly hand the reporting responsibilities back to him. The way he comes up with a new and interesting story line each week while remembering the minute details is truly amazing.

WOJO NO-SHOW & NO-MOJO

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Commissioner WOJO was again a NO-SHOW although his wife Alexa the Original Cleveland Cavalieri walked by & I thought I heard her yell to us that WOJO also has NO-MOJO. Da deteriorated Hills courts still don't even have a construction cone relating to the Suburban Renewal pledge that got WOJO NO-MOJO elected as Commissioner, but HHI played on anyway with these virtual franchises:
* Steve-Roller & Rockers = Captain What the Heck, Quick Mike, Iron Mike, and Diggetty Doug Bails
* Lip Service = Giant Lipper Returns, Gary US Bonds, Scholesinator, Who Killed Kenny, and Sheriff Hacker Bob (who will be displaying his unique brand of comedy tonight at the Poconos Inn after he birdies the Par 6)
* Jay-Z's Crazies = Captain Hooo Shot JR, Coach Bill, Pat's Steak & Bake, Big Bob, and Miller {M2} Madness
* Mag's Dirt Bags = Swoop, PSU's Todd Whiteledge, Mighty Kerr, Bank'in Bowers, and Captain Magnum

Round 1 tipped off with Jay-Z's Crazies playing insane in defeating Lip Service with Big Bob making the winning shot. Elsewhere, it was Mag's Dirt Bags gritting & griming out a victory over Steve-Roller & Rockers despite Quick torching Swoop for 3 deuces per Swoop.

The Stink'in Losers switched courts for Round 2 while Mag's Dirt Bags stayed at home with a nice win over Lip Service. Meanwhile, Steve-Roller was Rocking Jay-Z's Crazies with a plethora of "around the elbows" shots, evening both squads at 1-1.

Round 3 saw Jay-Z's Crazies' Captain Hooo Shot JR rapping & bitch-slapping Swoop per Swoop paraphrased with Big Bob hip-hopping (after drip-dropping in the pre-game) in the deciding hoop again vs. formerly undefeated Mag's Dirt Bags. On the flip side, Lip Service got another Fat Lip vs. Steve-Roller & Rockers whose half-court trap worked to perfection.

The Championship Round saw JR continuing to hit a variety of shots while Big Bob "laid in the weeds" until it was time for the game-winner vs. winless Lip Service. This gave Jay-Z's Crazies a share of the Daily Championship along with Steve-Roller & Rockers who got the "W" vs. Mag's Dirt Bags. The Silver "Dropped a Dime" MVP "Trophy" went to Big Bob who accepted as gracefully as his "slow-motion" moves.

In the Iron Man Finale (IMF)--Jay-Z's Crazies lost their Captain, but picked up Steve-Roller & Iron Mike vs. a Rag-Tag Dirt-Bag squad including Swoop, Mighty, Hacker Bob, Lip, Scholesy, and Gary. The Latter 4 Lip Servicers were stuck with an "O-fer the day" (atleast Kenny had the sense to go home to win at yardwork) as Jay-Z's Crazies captured the IMF heavyweight Title in a game commentated by Mike & Mike (Magnum & Quick) in the Morning.

PARADE OF HOOPS

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

It was a PARADE OF HOOPS out at Da Hills as HHI was in Independence Day action with these virtual franchises partaking in a 4 x 4/5 x 2 Simultaneous Courts' Relay:
* Bonds on Bonds = Captain Gary US Bonds, Iron Mike, Bank'in Bow-Bow-Bowers, and Scholesinator
* 1st Pick Quicks = Captain Quick, Diggetty Doug Bails, Hamstring Bob, and Magnum Mike (note PAL AL & Magnum's Team finished 5th out of 80 Teams in TN)
* Hooo Shot JR = Captain JR, Mighty Kerr, Big Bob, and Miller {M2} Madness
* Roast'in Marshmellows = Captain Stay-Puff Marsh, B4R = Q, Coach Bill, Knee Scab Phil, and Sheriff Hacker Sponge-Bob Square-Pants
* 18th Man Rover = PSU Todd Whiteledge

Round 1 started with Roast'in Marshmellows singing around the camp fire & taking a toasty lead before Hooo Shot JR burned them at the end by 11-9. Elsewhere it was 1st Pick Quicks defeating a steroid-less Bonds on Bonds.

The Stink'in Losers switched courts for Round 2, but their changes of scenery did not help as Hooo Shot JR easily defeated Bonds on Bonds by 11-3 and Roast'in Marshmellows was not even close to close (quote B4R=Q) to beating 1st Pick Quicks.

That set up the Championship Round. First in the Stink'in Losers Bracket, it was Roast'in Marshmellows getting the "W" over un-undefeated Bonds on Bonds. And in the Main Event--1st Pick Quick's Hamstring Bob pulled (pun intended) a Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack with a "phantom injury" replacement, but Mighty Kerr still hit the PARADE OF HOOPS Daily Championship-winning shot for Hooo Shot JR.

In the PARADE OF HOOPS Iron Man Finale (IMF), Hooo Shot JR picked up Hacker Bob vs. a "Mixed Bag" squad of Coach, Phil, Gary, Scholesy & Iron Mike. During the IMF--the Wyomissing Centennial PARADE Fire Trucks passed by with sirens blaring, which I think was arranged by Commissioner Wojo-Mojo. The "Mixed Bag" squad jelled early, but then hit a major lull as Hooo Shot JR shot by them for the IMF Title.

FAR FAR FROM THE 6TH GRADE

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Diggetty Doug Bails flashed his 6TH GRADE Championship Coaching Rings during today's HHI Draft, but Captain Miller {M2} Madness was not intimidated because after all--HHI is FAR FAR FROM THE 6TH GRADE. So the dramatic scene was set for a Best of Three Series with these virtual franchises:
* It Could Have Been Miller Time If Big Bob Had Negotiated That Street Deal (ICHBMTIBBHNTSD) = Captain M2, Sheriff Hacker Bob, Hooo Shot JR, Gary US Bonds, Stay-Puff Marsh-Mellow Man, and The New Guy
* Lords of Bail's Rings = Coach DD Bails, Big Bob, Quick Mike, Mighty Kerr, Scholesinator, and Pat's Steak & Bake
* Lucky 13th Man Rover = Iron Mike

Game 1 saw ICHBMTIBBHNTSD hitting shots while Lords of Bail's Rings were not as it was "Miller Time" in their 15-8 victory. Game 2 was much closer until Sheriff Hacker Bob & Hooo Shot JR each hit a pair of deuces down the stretch in a 15-11 win. Thus ICHBMTIBBHNTSD captured the Daily Championship & The Rings from the Lords of Bail's Rings. Game 3 was for Pride and the Lords of Bail's Rings had it as they jumped to a big lead, then saw "Miller Time" comeback, but steadied themselves at the end to prevail.

There was almost as much action off the court:
* HHI Hall of Famers' Commissioner Collin & Old School Bruce made a pre-game appearance to promote the upcoming HHI/TCFL Golf Outing
* Commissioner Wojo-Mojo (a Penn State Grad) suspended Bank'in Bowers (a Penn State Grad) for today's games for taking his kid on a college visit to (Shitt on) Pitt
* Also this week, Wojo-Mojo presented his HHI Suburban Renewal Plan to the Wyomissing Council who said they would take it under advisement (in politician-speak that means they will do nothing)
* Quick Mike announced that he will be pushing Baby Huey Bob with Depends in a carriage (picture that if you dare) in Wyomissing's 4th of July Parade
* Relating to this Parade, HHI's July 4th Games will start earlier at 7:30am