TCFL TECHNOLOGIZES DRAFT

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

The 19th Edition of the TCFL DRAFT was held in the TECHNOLOGY War Room of Reinsel Kuntz Lipper CPA firm with all (12) TCFL Owners in attendance. The Mightiest Man--Commissioner Kerry opened the TCFL DRAFT by settling past money matters & restating all the rule changes from Brother Dave's TCFL Championship Party including "The Chuck Rule". He then introduced his answer to Taglie-boo's Gene Washington, TCFL Intern--Stunning Steven Scholesy. Triple S then Stunningly questioned Double D--Doug DeSimone's Protecting of Donovan "Chunky Soup All Star" McNabb (the 8th Ranked QB in the TCFL Draft per CBS Sportsline) which was TECHNOLOGICALLY projected on the Big Screen with good use of colors by Lipper. In fact under New & Improved TCFL DRAFT Rules, there were only (14) protected players TECHNOLOGICALLY projected including (10) RB's, (3) QB's & a WR Steve "without the n & A" Smith by The Herd.

The Draft then kicked off with Double D's Rajun Cajuns selection of Rudi "No ND Ruettiger" Johnson, which was questioned by nobody. Quick's Raiders then followed by taking the next best RB on most draft boards--Ronnie "I put nickel bags in Ricky William's locker" Brown. Swoop Poletti then IEC Whined that the next pick was much tougher, but did well by selecting WR "Rad" Chad Johnson. The Mighties then selected WR Larry Fitzgerald (whose mother Ella was either there Live or was it Memorex?), followed (after Scholesy's Steel Passed--Bradshaw to Swann) by Your Legion Of Doom's Torry "LOD Jolt" Holt. The WR Run (or YAC) then ended for more RB's as Lip's Chunky All Stars' picked Veteran Corey Dillon, Reitzy's gutty DiBros selection of Rookie Reggie "No Heisman Jinx" Bush, and Iron's choosing of Julius "JJ Dynamite" Jones. Chuck's Herd followed with the 1st QB drafted: "Last Play Call With" Carson "Daly" Palmer. After Ross' Cheat'in Chokers opted out of Round 1 by protecting PSU's LJ & WDW's Tiki "Room", the World Champion Fighting Beaves' ended an exciting Round 1 by taking Randy "a Fast Running Stone Gathers No" Moss.

Round 2 was good too, but what I'd most like to point out there was the use of Lip's TECHNOLOGICAL advancement that allowed us to try to "get in his head" as he systematically scanned thru his TCFL DRAFT Cheat Sheets before picking. And when he selected the extremely talented but extremely wack-job "T.O." in Round 2--I concluded that Lip is extremely talented but extremely wack-job too. Notably the World Champion Beaves ended Round 2 by drafting the 1st Tight End (ex-Q-Raider & ex-T-Herd), Antonio "I Could Dominate HHI" Gates.

Round 3 saw (7) WR's selected, as well as (2) QB Drews--Bledsoe & Brees (Blows) by the Panthers & Herd. QB "Big Ben" went to Birdsboro Steel in Round 4 which at the end saw past Big-Time TCFLer, Deuce "No Bigalow & Gigolo" McAllister picked by The Beaves. In Round 5, Da Steel made Da Ditka happy by taking the 1st Da Defense = Da Bears. Round 6 included Chuck's perplexing Kicker pick (Vinatieri)--is any "K" that Special (pun intended) to go that high in a TCFL DRAFT enhanced by less protected players? Perhaps Chuck was trying too hard to preempt F'in Ross' traditional Kick Off of the Kicker Run, but Ross adapted well to the new "Chuck Rule" by waiting until Round 11 to get his Kicker.

The TCFL DRAFT then took a break after Round 6 to enjoy K-Mill's Chocolate Gooey Cake, Mighty Monica Cookies, Doug's Soft Pretzels, and Ross' mixer. From there--notable TCFL DRAFT selections included Quick's (who seemed to be picking every other pick from a variety of "Free Breakfast" Trades) 7th Round Pick via the World Champions: Amani "It's Not A" Toomer (TCFL DRAFT Traditional reference to Governor Arnold in Kindergarten Cop), the Whiners' "Dynamic QB Duo" of Aaron Brooks "may be Done" & Philip "No Warren Moon" Rivers, and the Beaves "mercy pick" of TCFL Legend--Brett Favre in the 12th & then "Mr. Irrelevant" (last official pick of the TCFL DRAFT in Lucky Round #13)--Samcon Gado. That just left the TCFL Supplemental-patient DRAFT (Mighty, don't forget to record those transaction costs in the TCFL Cash Pot) which was dominated by Chuck's gay admiration of tight ends.

So after about 3 hours, the 19th Edition of the TECHNOLOGIZED TCFL DRAFT was in the record books with a Special Thanks to Lipper for use of the TECHNOLOGICAL Facilites. Now let the TCFL Games Begin to really prove how everybody drafted.

Any Comments from the "peanut gallery" on this TCFL DRAFT are welcomed & can be posted directly to this BLOG.

BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

With Da Hills under water, the hoopsters went all the "way in" to a bone dry Ozzies for today's BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL as follows:
* Weird Science = Captain Chris Shiery the Science Guy-ry, Stay-Puff Marsh-Mellow Man, Quick Mike, Iron Mike, Gary US Bonds, and Diggetty Doug Bales
* Physical Education = Captain Magnum, EX-Smoker Bob, Swoop, Mighty Kerr, Ian Rocks, and Miller {M2} Madness
* Sheriff Hacker Bob was the 13th Man, but (Unlike Scott de Shot) he graciously stepped down & there is no truth to the rumor that he was booted out like Pluto

Game 1 saw Weird Science concocting "Kelly LeBrock" Magic to a 7-3 lead before Physical Education got physical, physical, physical ala Olivia Newton John to get it to 8-7 at the sub turn. It remained close until 13-12 when Quick abruptly hit the game-winning deuce for Weird Science. Game 2 saw March-Mellow Man running wild as he just wouldn't Stay (Puff) in one place while leading Weird Science to another BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL victory.

Game 3 saw Physical Education going BACK TO SCHOOL with basic fundamentals & getting SPECIAL plays on Defense from Magnum (whose was strategically assigned to Marsh) and on Offense from Ian Rocks including (2) late deuces to give Phys Ed the win. Game 4 was a battle of attrition and Phys Ed had the stamina to pretty easily tie the BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL Series at 2 games apiece with Swoop scoring the game-winner on a 1-on-4 "FU Frank" break.

Although there was some fake macho chatter, neither squad really wanted a rematch so it was a "push" until next week. Next week's schedule is Saturday & Monday @ 8am with the Labor Day game representing the 14th Anniversary of Hills Hoops Inc. (HHI) Basketball.

HHI DEDICATION AWARD

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Before I get started with the basketball today, I am here to announce an HHI Lifetime Achievement Award. The envelope {envision scantily-clad super model handing me the envelope} & a drum-roll {envision John Henry Bonham and/or Keith Moon) please--the Winner of the DEDICATION AWARD is Scholesinator. Scholesy is an HHI Founding Father & one of the all-time leaders in games played. He is known for always being early for basketball despite his relatively long ride from Birdsboro. In fact, I think Commissioner Wojo-No_Mojo should reimburse him for mileage at the IRS rate. John, as he is known to almost nobody, is a tough competitor who always plays hard and I ask that you join me in Congratulating him on this HHI DEDICATION AWARD.

Today's HHI Captains were Ian Rocks & Swoop Rolls (Not to be confused with shirts I saw being sold this week in Philly: Dallas Sucks & T.O. Swallows) who created these aptly-named virtual franchises:
* Ian Rocks = Captain Ian, Stay-Puff Marsh-Mellow Man, Magnum, Diggetty Doug Bales, Miller {M2} Madness, and the late arriving Gary US Bonds
* Swoop Rolls = Captain Swoop, Free Ride Todd, Mighty Kerr, Iron Mike, EX-Smoker Bob, and HHI DEDICATION AWARD-winner: Scholesinator

Game 1 saw Ian Rocks (the player/the Team) jamming like Jimmy Page/Led Zeppelin as the Levee Broke on Swoop Rolls, who were thrashed & burned by 15-6. The lighters came out for an Encore Game #2, but Swoop Rolls had other ideas as they riffed & banged until the score was deadlocked at 10. But But, the Ian Rocks squad then cranked up their amps led by Marsh-Mellow Man for the 15-11 victory & the coveted Daily Championship.

Game #3 was for Swoop Rolls Pride and they had it, but it was really tested when HHI DEDICATION AWARD-winner Scholesinator went down with a leg injury during the stretch run. Swoop Rolls (The Who) then "Joined Together with the Band" to "Win One for the Scholesy".

Then after Scholesy & Free Ride departed, DD Bales was persuaded to play in the Iron Man Finale (IMF) rather than save his energy for his date tonight. It ultimately paid off as Bails made like Quick Mike for the IMF-winning fastbreak for Ian Rocks. So "Peanut" now has a story that he can sensationalize for tonight's tryst, although it's not nearly as good as getting an HHI Lifetime Achievement DEDICATION AWARD.

DON'T TELL ME NO LIES

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Page down to the next story if you're here for the TCFL/HHI Golf Outing results. If you're just here for this AM's Hills Hoops results, skip down a few paragraphs. But if you're here for the truth (& if you can handle the truth) regarding Diggetty Doug Bails latest fling, then you're in the right place. This reporter has been chasing this story for about a week after Bails was spotted last Saturday at a Bocce Ball/Washers Tournament (i.e. the Singles Bars of the 2000's) with a hot date which confirmed he was no longer with Angelina (Ang) Jolie. You may remember Ang was using Bails for sex as he reported at Scott de Shot's Buca Roast.

Anyway, I have now determined that DD Bails LIED to me. That's right--when I ask you the questions, DON'T TELL ME NO LIES. What appears to be true is that his new squeeze initially saw him at the 3rd & Spruce and remembered him from High School. She approached him and excitingly asked "Bails, is that you?" as DD noted that everybody called him "Bails" in High School. Well this reporter has now learned that was a LIE. An extremely credible source advised she calls him "Peanut" because everybody called him "Peanut" in High School. DON'T TELL ME NO LIES, because I eventually uncover the truth. I'm also now beginning to doubt that Ang was using Peanut Bails for sex.

What is true though is that DD Bails took home a Daily Championship today @ Da Hills (which should be enough to get him laid tonight) and that's NO LIE. His "Peanut Bar" squad included Steve-Roller What the Heck, EX-Smoker Bob & Captain Iron Mike and finished undefeated at 3-0. Other virtual franchises in their order of finish in today's standings:
* Safe Sex Pistols(2-1) = Captain Pistol Pete, Swoop, Mighty Kerr, and Free Ride Todd
* Shake & Bake(1-2) = Captain Bank'in Bow-Bow-Bowers, Credible Quick Mike, Radon Rader (i.e. the popular 16th Man), and Miller {M2} Madness
* Fighting Phil-lies(0-3) = Captain Knee Scab Phil, Magnum, Ian Rocks, and Sheriff Hacker Bob

After (4) players voted themselves off Da Hills (including Daily Champion, Peanut Bails), an even dozen Survivors remained for the Iron Man Finale (IMF). Magnum, Phil & Ian were determined to get out of Da Hills with a win and they joined with EX-Smoker Bob, Quick & M2 vs. Iron, Heck, Swoop, Free Ride, Mighty & Pistol Pete. I'd like to say this was a well played game, but I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU NO LIES. It was a close game though that Magnum won with a "buzzer-beater" 21-20 which allowed Phil, Ian & him to walk away as IMF Title Winners. All the other IMF Survivors were just happy to walk away to play another day which will be next Saturday @ 8am.

CADDYSHACK & TCFL/HHI GOLF OUTING

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

If there's anyone out there on my distribution who doesn't think that the original CADDYSHACK Movie was one of the funniest of All-Time, then please let me know so I can delete you. But then there was CADDYSHACK 2 with Jackie Mason--what an abomination that left a bad taste in everyone's mouth until now. That's right, we restored both the good name of CADDYSHACK & the TCFL GOLF OUTING today. Who knew playing golf could be so much fun? Not Me until today.

But let's start at the beginning before the OUTING when most of today's golfers met for a bountiful Free Breakfast at The Ranch House courtesy of the Stinkinest Loser in the TCFL--Quick Mike. Our Special Guest there was none other than the greatest HHI Commissioner of all-time, Commissioner Collin. The Commish took a lot of notes at Breakfast for his Old School Daddy, so that Bruce would be prepared to lead today's GOLF OUTING. It was a tall task for a guard like Old School (or anyone for that matter) to take over a TCFL GOLF OUTING that had flourished in the 90's, but then burned out about 4 years ago. Old School Bruce took it from the ashes & like the Phoenix, he rose it up as the newly named TCFL/HHI GOLF OUTING; as well as re-establishing the good name of CADDYSHACK (which had also been tarnished in the interim by a "travelling" hoopster of the same name) in one fell swoop (even with Swoop).

Golf Commissioner Old School brought in a needed in-flux of Hills Hoopsters (hence the HHI in the TCFL/HHI GOLF OUTING) and established a new "Scramble" format complete with Rules. For example, Scramble Rule #1: Play by the rules. No Cheating. Then he created the virtual CADDYSHACK Foursomes as follows:
* Snobs Or Slobs = Quick Mike, Diggetty Doug Bales, Giant Lipper, and Iron Mike
* Step-Mother Or Cinderella Story = Your Athletic Supporter--Jack Strap, Swoop, Knee Scab Phil, and Batting Clean-up: F'in Ross
* Golfers Or Gophers = DJ Jazzy Jones (who had to perform pre-Golf), Magnum Mike, Sheriff Hacker Sponge-Bob Square Pants, and Old School Bruce

It was a picture-perfect day for the TCFL/HHI GOLF OUTING @ Willow Hollow when the Snobs Or Slobs started at #1 by getting off the tees and into the hole rather Quickly (pun intended) with a Birdie to set the Tourney tone. Then after the "I want to be a Golf Course Ranger, I want to lead a life of Danger" gave the A-OK, Jack Strap tee'd off with the Football Golf Ball as per TCFL Tradition. Finally @ approximately 9:20am EST, the Golfers Or Gophers hit the fairway to see which they were.

Now I could bore you with some very technical golf jargon if I knew any, but instead I'll bore you with my analysis of the scorecards. For the Snobs Or Slobs, Iron Mike proved he was worthy of the Yellow Jersey by leading them with eight (8) Drives played including the "Longest Drive". Of course, this brought allegations by the French (probably Scott De Shot) that Iron had increased levels of testosterone. To his credit afterwards, Iron agreed to take a Drug Test if we would give him a few minutes to get his Whizzinator. For the Step-Mother Or Cinderella Story, as expected it was F'in Ross who led the way with (8) Drives chosen & a few others passed up for Strategic Scramble reasons. Per GOLF OUTING Tradition, Ross also kept things loose by loosening the most golf bags from carts, although crazy Golf Cart Driver Swoop's Director Of Bags Security (DOBS)--Jack Strap prevented several (but not all) calamities. The Golfers Or Gophers had a more balanced attack, although their Captain Old School led the way including (jennifer) garner-ing the "Closest to the Pin" prize on #6.

At the turn (i.e. After 9 holes if you don't know that golf jargon)--it was Snobs Or Slobs leading at -3 (that's 3 Under Par for you Duffers out there), followed by the Cinderella Story at -2, and Golfers Or Gophers at +1. But after a Bogey on 10, Golfers Or Gophers got their scramble act together & poured in (5) Birdies to finish strong at -3. On the Back Nine, the Cinderella Story continued consistent as the only 4-Some with no bogeys for the day & also scored two more birdies including one on the 18th that gave them the one stroke advantage at -4 over the late surging Golfers Or Gophers. But the Cinderella Story didn't have a real Storybook ending as Snobs Or Slobs played "Tigerishly" with 6 of 9 Birdies (=66.6666666etc%) to win at -9. D.D. Bales noted the key to victory was long-range putting (the equivalent of Deuces at Da Hills) for dough with driving for show. In the Closing Scene, CADDYSHACK-like chaos ensued as F'In Ross & Quick Mike's actions left golf bags strewn all over Willow Hollow.

All of the Golfers then converged upon the 19th Hole @ the Classic Cafe where Old School MC'd the CADDYSHACK Awards Ceremony and distributed the winnings, as well as the $50 that went to the Relay For Life. He also handed out the Prizes that Quick had contributed to the TCFL/HHI GOLF OUTING. In addition--Bruce got off the best line of the day when he told our Tattoo'd, Pregnant, and Sassy Waitress: Lisa/Jennifer that "my bald head drives a solar-powered sex machine". She responded by giving him the cheese fries he wanted.

So in the final analysis--it was great to re-establish CADDYSHACK & the TCFL/HHI GOLF OUTING, and we all agreed to do it again next year with alot more golfers and hackers.

SWEET 16 DIVIDED INTO FINAL FOURS

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

A SWEET 16 converged upon Da Hills this morning for Daily Championship Hoops. The SWEET 16 were DIVIDED INTO FINAL FOURS by Coaches Bill, Bowers, Iron & Kenny as follows:
* Coach's Clinic = Coach Bill, Quick Mike, EX-Smoker Bob, and Sheriff Hacker Bob
* Bank & Trust = Coach Bank'in Bow-Bow-Bowers, Ian Rocks, Magnum Mike, and Hoooo Shot JR
* Iron Men = Coach Iron Mike, Assistant Coach What the Heck, Diggetty Doug Bales, and Swoop
* South Park = Coach Who Killed Kenny, Mighty Kerr, Texas Pete, and Miller {M2} Madness

Before Round 1, someone asked when was the last time Coach Bill picked a Daily Championship winning Team? I could research this, but would rather just say it's been awhile. It then looked like more of the same for Coach as South Park outshot his Clinic by 11-9 led by TX Pete. Elsewhere it was the Iron Men defeating Bank & Trust with Iron himself swishing in the game-winner.

As per HHI tradition, the Stink'in Losers switched courts for Round 2 and proved the saying that "everybody deserves a second chance" as they both won to even all FINAL FOURS at 1-1. Hoooo Shot JR Killed Kenny's South Park with (3) straight deuces to win it and Coach's Clinic hit four 2-balls (that's 8 points for the arithmetically-challenged) plus Hacker chipped in the winning 10-footer as they beat the Iron Men.

Coach's Daily Championship hopes remained alive in Round 3 as you can take it to the Bank & Trust me when I tell you that they defeated Bank & Trust. Meanwhile, South Park shooting went South as they were stuck in Park in their loss to the Iron Men.

This set up the SWEET 16 DIVIDED INTO FINAL FOURS Daily Championship Game: Iron Men vs. Coach's Clinic. Ironically, the Iron Men's DD Bales had to "throw in the towel" with cramps (leg, not menstrual) with Coach's Clinic winning by 7-5, thus breaking Coach's Coaching losing streak with the somewhat tainted but still shiny enough to display Daily Championship.