PASSING THE FOUL TEST

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

HHI Commissioner Emeritus Collin & HHI Golf Commissioner-Old School Bruce were @ Da Hills this AM to administer the FOUL TEST to (7) Hoopsters. After they ordered everyone to put down their #2 pencils, they graded the FOUL TESTS over chocolate milk & bagels. After an anxious wait, all seven players were ruled eligible for today's game by PASSING THE FOUL TEST. Magnum was taking the FOUL course self-study and he arrived late with his FOUL TEST in hand & PASSED with a perfect 100% score. There were allegations that Magnum had gotten help on his FOUL TEST from Hacker Bob, but this reporter watched him play today & concluded that he earned that 100%. There was also an allegation by Who Killed Kenny that Magnum was late because he was putting on his Make-Up, which this reporter figured would finally give him the answer to Who Killed Kenny? Kenny did later take an inadvertant elbow to the sternum by Magnum, but he survived.

The Teams were selected by shirt color: White/Scott-White(=Yellow) vs. Blue/Green. The former squad included Quick, Bales, Iron & Magnum vs. Kenny, Mighty, Free Ride Todd, and yours truly-Jack Strap. Game #1 was a competitive affair that saw the lead change hands several times before Iron Mike lead a late White/Yellow run that put them on the verge of victory, but Blue/Green retorted & came back to tie it at 14. Then Quick, who had moments earlier missed (2) easy lay-ups, inexplicably decided to fire from long-range & he nailed it for the 16-14 White/Yellow win.

Wooooh Nelly showed up out of nowhere to join Blue/Green for the Finale Game #2 (yes, there were only 2 games again today). Nelly had evidently been playing in a league where defense is a rumor (likely the SRBA-Stiff Rich Basketball Amalgamation) as faced with some "D" here--he missed several shots & turned the ball over. Thus White/Yellow appeared to be heading toward the Daily Championship with a 9-6 lead and Todd on the Blue/Green bench. But Your Athletic Supporter-Jack Strap had other ideas as free from the Gut-wrenching defense of Bails, he broke loose for (2) deuces on a 5-0 run that gave Blue/Green the 11-9 lead. White/Yellow tried to mount a comeback, but they were finished off by a Kenny 2-ball & Todd's fastbreak lay-up to tie the series at 1. So I guess everyone then went home to kiss their sisters as that was it.

On the way out, votes were tallied with the results being that there will be no games tomorrow and next week will be scheduled for Saturday @ 8:30am @ Da Hills.

IRON MAN FINALE FIRST

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Da Hills court was playable with an assist from Free Ride Todd who used his leaf blower to help dry some of the wet spots. For guys at Miami with a scholarship, that job would be worth like $1000, but it's a freebie at HHI. Anyway, there were (11) Hoopsters in action split by Captain Knee Scab Phil & Quick Mike as follows:
* Out Of "The Closet" = Captain KS Phil, Gary US Bonds, FR Todd, Iron Mike, and out of the closet--Jack Strap
* In the "Locker Room" = Captain Quick, Magnum, Mighty, Swoop, and EX-Smoker Bob
* 11th Man Rover = (Not Stiff) Bales

HHI decided to do something a little different today and play the IRON MAN FINALE (IMF) FIRST. This was a very long & grueling game that was marked by many fouls, turnovers, and missed shots which I know sounds like most HHI games, but this was a bit different. An argument ensued near the end over what constitutes a foul and it's a complex matter judging by dictionary.com's "foul" definition below:
-adjective

1.	grossly offensive to the senses; disgustingly loathsome; noisome: a foul smell.

2.	containing or characterized by offensive or noisome matter: foul air; foul stagnant water.

3.	filthy or dirty, as places, receptacles, clothes, etc.

4.	muddy, as a road.

5.	clogged or obstructed with foreign matter: a foul gas jet.

6.	unfavorable or stormy: foul weather.

7.	contrary, violent, or unfavorable, as the wind.

8.	grossly offensive in a moral sense.

9.	abominable, wicked, or vile, as deeds, crime, slander, etc.

10.	scurrilous, profane, or obscene; offensive: foul language.

11.	contrary to the rules or established usages, as of a sport or game; unfair: a foul blow.

12.	Baseball. pertaining to a foul ball or a foul line.

13.	limited in freedom of movement by obstruction, entanglement, etc.: a foul anchor.

14.	abounding in errors or in marks of correction, as a printer's proof, manuscript, or the like.

15.

Nautical. a. (of the underwater portion of a hull) encrusted and impeded with barnacles, seaweed, etc. b. (of a mooring place) involving inconveniences and dangers, as of colliding with vessels or other objects when swinging with the tide. c. (of the bottom of a body of water) affording a poor hold for an anchor (opposed to clean).

16.	North England and Scot.. not fair; ugly or unattractive.

17.	Obsolete. disfigured.

–adverb

18.	in a foul manner; vilely; unfairly.

19.	Baseball. into foul territory; so as to be foul: It looked like a homer when he hit it, but it went foul.

–noun

20.	something that is foul.

21.	a collision or entanglement: a foul between two racing sculls.

22.	a violation of the rules of a sport or game: The referee called it a foul.

23.	Baseball. foul ball.

–verb (used with object)

24.	to make foul; defile; soil.

25.	to clog or obstruct, as a chimney or the bore of a gun.

26.	to collide with.

27.	to cause to become entangled or caught, as a rope.

28.	to defile; dishonor; disgrace: His reputation had been fouled by unfounded accusations.

29.	Nautical. (of barnacles, seaweed, etc.) to cling to (a hull) so as to encumber.

30.	Baseball. to hit (a pitched ball) foul (often fol. by off or away): He fouled off two curves before being struck out on a fastball.

–verb (used without object)

31.	to become foul.

32.	Nautical. to come into collision, as two boats.

33.	to become entangled or clogged: The rope fouled.

34.	Sports. to make a foul play; give a foul blow.

35.	Baseball. to hit a foul ball.

—Verb phrases

36.	foul out, a. Baseball. to be put out by hitting a foul ball caught on the fly by a player on the opposing team. b. Basketball. to be expelled from a game for having committed more fouls than is allowed.

37.	foul up, Informal. to cause confusion or disorder; bungle; spoil.

—Idioms

38.	fall foul or afoul of, a. to collide with, as ships. b. to come into conflict with; quarrel. c. to make an attack; assault.

39.	run foul or afoul of, to come into collision or controversy with: to run foul of the press.

40.	foul one's nest. to dishonor one's own home, family, or the like.

So, as you can see this isn't an easily solved matter, but Quick ended the argument by banking in the game-winning deuce & then being honest in admitting that all banked deuces are lucky.

After the IRON MAN FINALE FIRST, Todd departed and Bales roved to Out of The Closet for the FINALE Game #2. This was a more relaxed affair with somewhat of a drop-off in the high intensity & physicalness of the Defensive play. The result though was the same as In the Locker Room captured the Daily Championship.

Moving forward, we will stick with Sunday @ 8:30am and in the interim--I appeal to everyone to study the "foul" definition above. Then if you violate any of these (40) foul rules, please play fair by yelling out "foul".

SUNDAY EXPERIMENT

Note: This Report is the 50th in this HHI BLOG Series (all of which can be accessed from the archives).

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

You could cut the tension with a knife @ Da Hills SUNDAY EXPERIMENT after the verbal barrage this week between Magnum & Quick, which was so intense that it woke Commissioner Wojo-Mojo from his Summer slumber. It also had Sargent Carter's Wife so concerned that she prohibited her husband from playing. The HHI Founding Fathers were not too concerned though as they selected Quick & Magnum as today's SUNDAY EXPERIMENT Captains & they in turn selected these Teams:
* Ranting & Raving (R & R) = Captain Quick, Diggetty Doug Bales, Scholesinator, Mighty Kerr, and yours truly-Jack Strap
* Bullying & Buffoonery (B & B) = Captain Magnum, Swoop, Iron Mike, Coach Bill, and Sheriff Hacker Bob
* 11th man Rover = EX-Smoker Bob

Early in Game 1--there was a loud skidding sound of burning rubber, followed by a perceived crash. Thankfully it wasn't Quick's squealing sneakers in advance of "incidental contact" from Magnum, but rather it appeared to come from the high woodland area near the court. The Hills Hoopsters rushed into the woods as it sounded like a car skidded into there atop the hill, but couldn't find anything amiss (or a mister). Sub Coach was then sent in his "squad car" to investigate & was gone a long while (think he ended up at Dunkin Donuts looking for the police), but again found nothing. So it was much ado about nothing (quote Willy Shakespeare) until Mighty Kerr abruptly won Game 1 for R&R.

EX-Smoker Bob then swtiched from the Stink'in Loser B&B's to R&R for Game 2. This was a game Marked by long distance Marksmanship (or Marky Mark--see him in Invincible) by B & B as they hit five (5) deuces including the game-winner by Iron Mike, setting up the SUNDAY EXPERIMENT Daily Championship Game #3.

The first (2) games were very long drawn out affairs, even if you exclude the time for the Crime Scene Investigation (i.e. CSI--Da Hills), so both Teams were a bit tired and B & B was glad to have back EX-Smoker Bob for Game #3, or were they? Anyway, it was a close game until an R & R spurt opened up a 14-10 lead. But B & B responded and closed the gap before Scholesinator finally finished them off for the R & R SUNDAY EXPERIMENT Daily Championship.

Quick & Magnum were voted their respective Team's MVP's & I believe they shook hands at the end, so Mrs. Sargent Carter--it's safe for your hubby to return to action next SUNDAY @ 8:30am. In fact, with (3) of the HHI Founding Fathers in Happy Valley next weekend--additional players are needed.

14 YEARS OF HILARIOUS HOOPS

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

It's been 14 YEARS OF HILARIOUS HOOPS from Cornwall Terrace to the Owls Sports Complex to Da Hills (with several other road trips in between). From modest 3-on-3 half court beginnings to an ever expanding & changing group of great guys (& a couple females) engaging in healthy competition while having a whole lotta laughs. For today's 14th Anniversary, 18 players were in action with the HHI Founding Fathers fittingly chosen as the HOOPS Captains:
* Your Athletic Supporters = Captain Jack (will get you high tonight) Strap, Diggetty Doug Bales, Gary US Bonds, and Stay-Puff Marsh-Mellow Man
* Muscle Scholes (reference Sweet Home Alabama) = Captain Scholesinator (one of the 1st times he's been a Captain in 14 YEARS), Free Ride Todd, DJ Jazzy Jones, and Iron Mike
* Swoop There He Is = Captain Swoop, FUn Frank, Magnum Mike, Sheriff Hacker Bob, and Who Killed Kenny
* Mighty Whities = Captain Kerry, Quick Mike, Radon Rader, and EX-Smoker Bob
* Free Agent Rover = Coach Bill

The HILARITY started in Round 1 and the HOOPS followed as Your Athletic Supporters & Muscle Scholes battled to a 10-10 tie before Free Ride Todd earned his Scholesy scholarship with the game-winner. Elsewhere it was a Red Hot Magnum (Pepper) putting on a shooting display in leading Swoop There He Is to a victory over the Mighty Whities.

Thus per HHI Tradition, the Stink'in Losers switched courts for Round 2 and Your Athletic Supporters brought a bucket of cold water with them to extinguish Magnum who had been on fire & defeat Swoop There He Is. On the flip side, Muscle Scholes flexed (like Hans & Franz) their way to a win over the Mighty Whities.

Round 3 saw Your Athletic Supporters HILARIOUSLY laughing all the way to an 11-2 HOOPS win over the Mighty Whities as Quick entertained them with a barrage of barbs directed at his teammates. And in a more serious affair, it was Swoop There He Is defeating Muscle Scholes.

This left Muscle Scholes, Swoop There He Is, and Your Athletic Supporters all tied at 2-1 with the Mighty Whities @ 0-3. The HHI Founding Fathers were then almost ready to prove that 14 YEARS OF HILARIOUS HOOPS was Not about Winning & Losing by awarding the Daily Championship to the winless Mighty Whities. The key word there was "almost" as they decided instead to repeat the Round 1 match-ups.

The "14 YEARS OF HILARIOUS HOOPS" Championship Round saw the Mighty Whities get the Last HILARIOUS Laugh as they knocked off Swoop There He Is as this reporter heard it: "Rader Wins It!!!". That just left Muscle Scholes & Your Athletic Supporters who again found themselves tied at 10 before again, Free Ride Todd muscled in the DC-winner for a bleeding Captain Scholesy.

After 14 YEARS OF HILARIOUS HOOPS, the HHI Founding Fathers still know how to mix it up as we are going to experiment with a temporary Schedule Change relating to College Football Saturdays (e.g. Fordham, Albright, Penn St., etc.). So starting next weekend--we will Not play on Saturdays, but rather move to Sunday @ 8:30am (i.e. new day & new time) as we look forward to another 14 YEARS OF HILARIOUS HOOPS.

STRAP-NAC THE MAGNUM-IFICENT

By Your Hoops Prognosticator, STRAP-NAC THE MAGNUM-IFICENT

STRAP-NAC THE MAGNUM-IFICENT couldn't get to Ozzies on time today, but don't worry as I predicted the results of today's games 14 years ago, just before the birth of what is now HHI. Since then, these results have been capped in a rolling rock pony bottle buried deep in a sandbox at the Cornwell Terrace playground where the 1st HHI game was played. Nobody, not even a kid with a sand shovel, has seen these results until now.

STRAP-NAC THE MAGNUM-IFICENT's 1st prediction for today was Rain which makes 5-day forecasting look pretty easy. Predicting the Teams is a little tougher so STRAP-NAC must hold the rolling rock pony up to his forehead which is safe since Diane-dretti Poletti is not around to pound the top of the bottle. STRAP-NAC visualizes Quick Mike & Stay-Puff Marsh-Mellow Man as the Captains and I soothsay these virtual franchises:
* Marshmellow Creme = Iron Mike, Radon Rader, Gary US Bonds, Pistol Pete, Miller {M2} Madness, and Captain Marsh
* Fluffer Nutter = MAGNUM, Swoop, DD Bales, Bank'in Bow-Bow-Bowers, Ian Rocks, and Captain Quick
* Wait, there's one more guy, I can't see him so clearly, but I think it's a Stiff Rich

For Game 1, STRAP-NAC foresees Quick standing back & looking at his Team and then saying "oh shit" which reminded him to say "I'll sub first" as he heads to his Ozzie's commode. There while doing "his business", he sees in the sports page that Mifflin beat Wilson & thinks maybe his team can win. Inspired he goes to wipe, but there's no toilet paper. His yells for "Help!", but everyone at Ozzies just figures he lost his man on defense. Finally out of desperation, he wipes with his hand and rushes back to action just in time to see a MAGNUM-IFICENT shot win the game for his Fluffer Nutters by 15-10.

In Game 2, STRAP-NAC sees Quick giving new meaning to "hand in your face" defense as he stink-faced Pistol Pete into some smelly shooting. You might say Quick Mike was "offensive" in more ways than one as he also fired in some deuces to lead his Fluffer Nutters as they wiped (pun intended) the floor of the Marshmellow Cremes by 15-9.

Game 3 was Simply Unpredictable (even by Robert Palmer), but STRAP-NAC can see a bunch of crazy things. MAGNUM MAGNIFICENTLY doesn't foul anyone. Swoop dribbles with his left hand. Bowers doesn't try to Bank any shots. Ian Rocks thinks he's guarding M2 no matter how many times he's switched to other guys. Bales expands himself horizontally to steal the ball from Marsh & vertically to score on a rebound put-back. But despite Diggetty Doug's best efforts, Marshmellow Cremes "spread" offense is too much as Gary US Bonds wins it 16-14 with a "Pat-like" deuce.

STRAP-NAC's mystical powers also tell me there was an Iron Man Finale (IMF). Let me see--not everyone wanted to or could physically make it back on the court. I see Quick'n'Rich & Chocolate. Sorry about that, all this prognosticating is making STRAP-NAC thirsty. It was actually Quick'n'Rich(Stiff) & Magnum and Bales vs. Marsh, Iron, US Bonds & M2. Quick Mike may have started in the toilet, but he ended up Leading his Fluffer Nutters to a delicious Daily Championship & an iconoclastic IMF Title.

STRAP-NAC THE MAGNUM-IFICENT holds in his head the last prediction {the crowd cheers wildly}. Just for that STRAP-NAC gives you (2) scenarios for Monday's Labor Day game and let's you figure out which one will happen. Either Outside @ Da Hills @ 8am in the official 14th Anniversary Game or Inside @ Ozzies @ 9am.