WILSON VS. WYOMISSING

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

The pre-game debate raged on between Yours Truly & Bales regarding who would win in Football: WILSON VS. WYOMISSING. With all due respect to the WYOMISSING Program which is Top-Rate at the AA level, my opinion is that WILSON's Quad A Program features superior depth of talent (which to be fair, relates in part to its larger size) that would prevail atleast 9 times out of 10. Of course Bails disagreed, so we decided to settle it on the HHI Basketball Court @ Ozzies with these squads:
WILSON = Coach Jack Strap, Swoop, Magnum, Mighty, Bank'in Bowers, Hooo Shot JR, and The Giant Lipper
WYOMISSING = Coach Bails, Sick Quick, Radon Rader, Gary US Bonds, Knee Scab Phil, Iron Mike, and Pat's Steak & Bake

Game 1 saw WILSON's superior depth of talent take it to WYOMISSING, and WYO couldn't "Stopper" them (High School Football Joke--arh, arh, arh) as WILSON pounded out a 15-6 victory.

Sick Quick departed before Game 2, so he could be ready for WYOMISSING's game vs. Fleetwood next week at The Body Zone. Coach Bales was then quoted (OK--paraphrased) that it was "addition by subtraction" without Quick and this appeared to be the case as WYOMISSING led by 13-7 with Bales himself leading by example. But then WILSON got very serious at both ends of the court including Jack Strap starting a 4th Quarter Rally with a Deuce & then Magnum (amongst rampant 'roid rumors of recruiting by WILSON) nailed 3 straight 2-balls for a dramatic 15-14 comeback win.

While WILSON celebrated like "White Guys" with Jack Strap chest bumping while Magnum was simultaneously double high-five-ing, the WYOMISSING "Kids" were totally demoralized. And unfortunately for Coach Bails, this "hung-over" (something he knows a lot about) into Game 3 as WILSON won going away for the Daily Championship Sweep for Swoop (see below).

We didn't really have the time or energy to play atleast another 7 games until WYOMISSING could maybe garner a win, so we cut to the post-game show. There WILSON's Swoop (he used to live in WILSON) told the most terrifying but funny story I have ever heard in my life. No writer (not even Faulkner, Hemingway, or Suess) could do justice to it in print, so I won't try, but will give you one line totally out of context: "he (Quick) inserted his finger up my rectum" (he actually said "ass", but thought I would clean it up since this is a Family column). In seriousness, Swoop will find out on Monday @ 5pm if he has prostate cancer and there is a good 50% chance he doesn't, but let's all in the HHI Family Pray for that result.

FACTS vs. FICTION?

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Yours truly regrettably missed hoops Saturday, so was reliant on my on-the-scene reporter Swoop who decided to give me some FACTS vs. FICTION and I'll need your help in sorting them out?
* Ozzies Gary continued to go hard after $6/player collections & nabbed Gary US Bonds who he's seen sneaking in the back door on multiple occasions [FACT]
* Squad including Captain Free Ride Todd, Quick, Swoop, Bank'in Bowers, and maybe Bales Swept the D.C. from Captain Deadbeat Bonds, Scholesy, Mighty, Iron, Giant Lipper & Magnum [Mostly FACT except Magnum wasn't there, Bales was a Stink'in Loser & Radon Rader was on Winning Team]
* Magnum & Todd got into a heated argument/fight that included loud profanity that prompted Ozzies Gary to expel HHI from the Oz-rena [FICTION]
* During the post-game, Quick Mike was seen mysteriously using the Ozzies phone & later putting quarters into a pay phone (is that what you put in pay phones these days?) at the Wawa [FACT]

So help me seperate the FACTS vs. FICTION? [Answers Above]

INSIDE LOOKING OUT

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

HHI was on the INSIDE LOOKING OUT as our "Winter Season" INSIDE started a little ahead of the calendar, but just-in-time to secure our Saturday @ 8am (note this changed time moving forward) slot @ Ozzies. The HHI phenomenon is spreading INSIDE & OUT as although there are no duplicators, there are plenty of imitators calling Ozzies for court time. So despite the very playable conditions OUT, here was the match-up INSIDE:
- Weird Science = Captain Chris Shiery the Science Guy-ry (who flip-flopped on INSIDE vs. OUT), Bank'in Bowers, Iron Mike, Free Ride** Todd (who didn't pay today & Ozzies complained about that), and Coach $6 Bill
** Note: I remind Todd (& everybody else) that you don't have an HHI Scholarship and Ozzies isn't Free
- The Fish-Eyed Fools = Captain Quick (who inexplicably called Founding Father Scholesy a Fish-Eyed Fool & his punishment is taking this as his Team name), Magnum, Gary US Bonds, Knee Scab Phil, and Yours Truly
- 11th Man Mighty Rover = Kerry

Game 1 saw Weird Science experimenting with an INSIDE offense that centered around F.R.Todd as the Mad Scientist. The experiment worked pretty well as he scored down low & passed well off double teams, but the bigger story was The Fish-Eyed Fools shooting like fish-eyed fools in a 15-10 defeat.

But turn-about was fair play in Game 2 as The Fish-Eyed Fools reached into their pantry shelf, bypassed the Spam, and pulled out a can of whoop-ass. The F-E Fools then proceeded to play great Team "D" (particularly Magnum & Quick), score down low (particularly Gary), work the {cough}give & go{cough} play (particularly Phil & Gary), hit the game-winning deuce (specifically Your Athletic Supporter), and open up the proverbial can on Weird Science.

But But Game 3 showed how resilient Weird Science can be as they bunson burned The Fish-Eyed Fools and shot their fish eyes OUT in an easy win. But But But since HHI was INSIDE LOOKING OUT, they played a 4th game which was won by the Fish-Eyed Fools for the Mighty Rover to give him a 1-3 record while everyone else was 2-2.

So as per the aforementioned, we are now INSIDE LOOKING OUT at Ozzies until the Spring starting at 8am each Saturday & Ozzies says you must pay your $6 or else you have to play OUT in the unhealthy cold. I still though would like Da Hills court & temperature reports from Quick, just so I can reminisce about the "Hardcore" days of HHI.

HARDCORE HILLS HOOPS INC (HHHI)

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

It was HHHI in HARDCORE action @ Da Chilly Hills this morning, reminiscent of HHI 's historic roots before Magnum got us a good indoor deal at Ozzies. A Big 10 layered HOOPSters were in HARDCORE action splitting into these virtual franchises:
* Quick Likes It Cold = Quick Mike, Swoop, Diggetty Doug Bails, Mighty Kerr, and Jack Strap
* Nippy Nipsters = Coach Bill, Iron Mike, Scholesinator, Gary US Bonds, and the late arriving (from Ozzies)--Stiff Rich

Game 1 saw the pre-Stiff, Nippy Nipsters take an early lead & then appear to be heading to a pillar-to-post victory, only they "hit the post" late in the game & Quick Likes It Cold himself made them pay with a deuce for their 1st lead at 14-13 lead. From there, somebody ("somebody" let me know) scored the winning bucket for Quick Likes It Cold, but can't remember as my brain was scrambled by Penn State's "way too close for comfort" win.

Game 2 saw the Nippy Nipsters pick-up a decided height advantage with Stiff, but size isn't everything when you're talking about HARDCORE HILLS HOOPS INC (HHHI). This game was tied at 7 when Mighty made the pretty play of the day with a brilliant rap-around pass to Bales that was a catalyst for a barrage of deuces by Quick Likes It Cold including the game-winner By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap for their HHHI Daily Championship.

That just left an HHHI Iron Man Finale (IMF) which was a timed game to 10:30am. Diggetty Doug Bails was out with a pulled "hammy" which occured when he "leaped" up for a Game 2 putback. This game saw Michigan's Gary US Bonds adding time to the clock reminiscent (did U notice I used that word twice in this piece--a new HHHI record) of Michigan's Lloyd Carr, But to no avail as Quick Likes It Cold was hot in winning the HARDCORE IMF.