REWRITING OLDE TIME HOCKEY HISTORY

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

The Philadelphia Flyers series victory over the Boston Bruins in 1973-74 for the Stanley Cup has been stuck in Ski's craw for over 30 years, but today @ Ozzies--he planned on REWRITING OLDE TIME HOCKEY HISTORY as the Captain of the Bruins vs. the Flyers. Ski conspired with Swoop Poletti whose Rangers have gotten more than their fair share of butt-whoopings from the Flyers over the years & Poletti brought in some Ringers (who are nowhere to be found on the Official Rosters) to try to get the job done.

But their little REWRITE plan wasn't working in Game 1 as Mitch "He's Pretty" Good was stoning them like that Bob Dylan song and the Flyers had a 1-0 lead on a wicked richochet goal by the Flyers' Jack Strap assisted by the Bruins' Magnum. But then the Bruins started whining about Mitch covering the puck up too much rather than giving them rebounds as they would stop at nothing to REWRITE OLDE TIME HOCKEY HISTORY. This psychological tactic along with a strategy to shoot from longer range to utilize the Ozzies glare factor worked to their supreme advantage as the Bruins shake, rattled & reeled off seven (7) straight goals while Christine "Kick Save" Poletti was showing why she has that nickname.

The Flyers then suffered more loss after Game 1 as the Goods (Mighty & Mitch) were healthy scratches due to another commitment & Chuck departed with a bad hip (stay tuned to see if he needs the replacement surgery) in advance of Phil collecting the rink fees (a hockey move he evidently learned from F'in Ross). Flyers Captain Phil then traded for Rookie Winger--Quick Mike and juggled his lines into better combinations that allowed former Olde Time Hockey MVP Danny Weller to get untracked in Game 2 with 2 or 3 goals plus a non-richochet score by Your Athletic Supporter. But Swoop, Ski, Iron & The Ringers were too much as the Bruins continued to try to REWRITE OLDE TIME HOCKEY HISTORY with a 7-4 win.

The Iron Man Finale Game #3 saw "Only the Lord Saves More Than" Guido playing like Bernie did for the Flyers vs. the Bruins in 1973-74 as he and a gritty defense consisting of Craiger Van Impe, Knee Scab Phil playing like both the Watson Brothers, Moose Dupont Rader, and Rookie-Sheriff Hacker Sponge-Bob Square Pants shutdown the high-scoring Bruins. Meanwhile the new "S-Line" of "Scholesy-Strap-Shot" scored 4 goals while the Flyers' Quick-Danny-Stephen Line counteracted the Bruins 1st Line. The Flyers got the 5-1 Victory, but irrespective of that--everyone knows you can't really REWRITE OLDE TIME HOCKEY HISTORY, but all had a lot of fun trying.

The OLDE TIME HOCKEY post-game luncheon at Smokey Bones was also a lot of fun & featured HHI Hall of Famers: Old School Bruce & Commissioner Collin. Other Luncheon attendees included Iron Mike, Adam Bomb, Phil, Danny, Scholesy, Stephen, Craiger, Quick, Swoop, "Kick Save" Christine & her beau Cody "Luckily No Relation To Tim" Bender, (Diane-dretti Poletti was going to join us, but she was correct when she noted that we smelled too bad to do so) and Your Athletic Supporter. While departing, everyone agreed we should plan another OLDE TIME HOCKEY Game, but Not put Scholesy in-charge. And speaking of in-charge, Thanks to Phil & Ski for a Great Job in organizing this game.

WHO PICKED THESE TEAMS?

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

This HHI BLOG has been in existence for over a year now (note all 66 prior stories are available in the BLOG archives) and I've yet to ask & answer the question "WHO PICKED THESE TEAMS?". I can answer that today it was Scott the Chicago Shot & Quick Mike (who has openly questioned Ski's PICKING Prowess) WHO PICKED THESE TEAMS:
-- Dred Scott* = Captain Scott, Magnum, Mighty Kerr, World B. Fri-to Ski, Knee Scab Phil, Ian Rocks, and Jack Strap
* a black slave whose suit for freedom (1857) was denied by the U.S. Supreme Court on the grounds that a slave was not a citizen and therefore could not sue in a federal court.
-- Hang Hussein* = Captain Quick, EX-Smoker Bob, Pat's Steak & Bake, Radon Rader, Iron Mike, Diggetty Doug Bails, and Swoop
* Iraqi military and political leader who became president in 1979. His invasion and occupation of Kuwait led to the Gulf War in 1991. He was deposed in a U.S.-led invasion of Iraq in 2003 and was tried & convicted of war crimes, and was Hung this AM (I added the last part as the Internet was not up-to-date)

Game 1 saw Dred Scott playing like Free Men as they annihilated, destroyed, demolished, obliterated, wasted & wiped out Hang Hussein--"dam" it was "Sad" the way they played, but they couldn't get "Hung Up" on that as there was much more hoops to be played.

In HHI ball-busting fashion during Game 1, Ski constantly asked WHO PICKED THESE TEAMS as a retaliatory shot at Quick (see above). But just when you think you got things totally figured out in HHI--you Don't as Hang Hussein came back to win 4 straight games and the Daily Championship.

Note that many HHIers will be in Olde Time Hockey action tomorrow @ 10am @ Ozzies (come out to watch if you're not playing) and back in Hoops action next Saturday @ 8am @ Ozzies when an absent Jack Strap will be looking for a fill-in reporter.

BAD SANTA

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

I finished Christmas shopping for my wife at the Mall yesterday, and then decided to do something for myself. So I visited the obligatory BAD SANTA to ask for some hoops skills for Christmas to improve my fledgling game, and found a line of Hills Hoopsters. Quick asked for Spiderman-like power to scale walls & evidently he was good this year (who knew?) because he already had it Saturday & used it to "spiderman" the Ozzies equipment room wall to get the whatchama-call it devise to raise the basket. Swoop asked to be able to use his left-hand on the b-ball court and BAD SANTA asked his Dwarf (sorry, I mean "little person") to get a machete to cut off his right arm--fortunately Swoop was faster than the "little person".

Anyway, after raising the basket this morning, we were ready for some basketball with Captains Iron Mike & World B. Fri-to Ski selecting the squads:
Iron's Side = Captain Iron, Swoop, What the Heck, Magnum, DD Bales, Bank'in Bowers, and Scholesinator
Ski's Schemers (Ski-mers for short) = Captain Ski, Mighty Kerr, EX-Smoker Bob (it's been over a year now), Pat's Steak & Bake, Spidey Quick, Connor Magnum, and Your Athletic Supporter

Game 1 saw Iron's Side playing like Raymond Burr, who unknown to many was a great wheelchair basketball player. Pat's S&B from the Ski-mers did manage to set an HHI record by sticking (2) long deuce attempts between the backboard & rim and BAD SANTA must have granted Swoop's wish because he jumped up and knocked the ball loose with his Left hand. The only other record for the Ski-mers was 0-1 as Iron's Side prevailed.

Game 2 was pretty tight heading into the 4th quarter, but then a "walking call" (Caddy would have been outraged) scattered & scadoobied the Ski-mers, as well as Bowers "walking" in off the bench to lead Iron's Side to victory.

Game 3 was a coming out party for Young Connor Magnum (the best SVHS Basketball Player since Follow the Bouncing Ball--Brett Gaul) as he made some real nice plays including a whirling-dervish drive to the hoop & score in traffic (amongst jealous calls of traveling from his Dad & Heck), as well as running a text book 2-on-1 tic-tac-toe break to score on his Dad (& then "nicely" returning the ball to Mag-Daddy). The end result was an easy Ski-mers win.

The Finale Game# 4 was a slobber-knocker and it went into the final seconds with Iron's Side clinging to a 14-13 lead, but let me first tell you about my BAD SANTA experience:

Jack Strap: BAD SANTA, I've been pretty good this year, so can you give me a game-winning deuce shot for Christmas
BAD SANTA: Quit {expletive deleted, but I can tell you it began with a "fuc' and ended with a "kin"} whining you {expletive deleted, but I can tell you the medical term is "vagina"}, what the FU Frank do I look like. Here, take a shot of this whiskey & get some balls to make your own deuce shot douche bag.

So with Iron's Side clinging to a 14-13 lead, I thought about what BAD SANTA had so eloquently said, reached down to check my scrotum sack, and then reached up & followed thru on a deuce shot that hit nothing but net to give the Ski-mers a dramatic series-tying victory, and assure that nobody has to head into Christmas as a Stink'in Loser.

MERRY CHRISTMAS To All & To All a BAD (SANTA) Night!!!

OZZIES MATINEE

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

It was an OZZIES MATINEE Today with a rare 11am start following Reading Tube's Kids Christmas Party. Nine HHIers were in action & we also recruited The Kid from the party to even it up for Captains Strap & Swoop who then created these virtual franchises:
* Strappers = Iron Mike, Pat's Steak & Bake, Mighty Kerr, What the Heck, and Captain Jack
* Scrappers = Knee Scab Phil, Quick Mike, World B. Fri-to Ski, The Kid, and Captain Swoop

So it was the Strappers vs. the Scrappers and the Big Story in Game 1 of the OZZIES MATINEE was Pat's Steak's sizzling shooting from long-long-range in the Strappers 15-12 win.

With The Kid departed, it was 4-on-4 with a Strappers sub in Game 2. The Scrappers used their superior speed & scrapiness to force Strappers turnovers while prevailing 15-11 to even the OZZIES MATINEE Series.

The Grand Finale Game #3 saw Ski sitting it out as he didn't feel well, but before departing he completed his ACS College Foot-Bowl Pool (get yours in now). This deciding contest saw the Strappers get their turnover act together in time to prevail as Pat hit the OZZIES MATINEE Daily Championship winning shot from the outer limits.

Your Athletic Supporter is now heading off to the Alvernia @ Albright basketball game @ 3pm with all the proceeds benefitting the American Cancer Society (ACS). HHI will return to action tomorrow at High Noon outside @ Da Hills.

TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH.........

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Unlike Billy King but like Ed Snider, I'm Gonna TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH and Nothing But The Truth. If you missed it, Alan "The Answer" Iverson was out of action last night for the 76ers in that other league. General Manager Billy King told reporters that it was because AI was hurt, but Owner Ed Snider TOLD THE TRUTH that it was because they're trying to trade him. So I'm Gonna TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH.........to the question regarding Quick Mike's absense today--"there's no calf injury, we're trying to trade him". The TRUTH is we nixed an offer from the SRBA (Stiff Rich Basketball Amalgamation) of "Loud Mouth" Jeff for Quick, but we are considering Ed Snider's offer of AI for QM & monetary considerations. Note we're a little apart on the money, they asked for $1 Million & we counter-offered $1 (not the same $1 missing from the Ozzies Pot today).

Speaking of the Ozzies Pot, there were a perfect dozen Hoopsters in action & they were divided as follows:
* 6-Pack Abs = Captain Iron Mike, Magnum, Swoop, World B. Fri-to Ski, Ian Rocks, and Radon Rader
* Keg Abs = Captain Bails, Scholesinator, Bank'in Bowers, Knee Scab Phil, Gary US Bonds, and Your Athletic Supporter

THE TRUTH is that Magnum was the scoring star of Game 1 as he took 6-Pack Abs on his ample shoulders & carried them. On the "piggy back", Swoop tried to make it more challenging for Magnum by putting his hands over Magnum's eyes, but he just responded by banking in a key deuce in a 15-13 victory.

But Keg Abs was not tapped out yet as they came back in Game 2 as they filled the fastbreak lanes & kicked it out when necessary to the open man like Todd Shock used to fill everyone's "bottomless cups" at Penn State until the Keg was kicked. The result was a series-tying 15-14 win & that's THE TRUTH.

THE WHOLE TRUTH in the Daily Championship game was that it was a tight game until Radon Rader made a steal & scored on a moderate-break (just beating the 24 second clock) and then made a driving basket in traffic to give 6-Pack Abs the DC. Then to TELL THE TRUTH it was Keg Abs coming back strong to win the Iron Man Finale Title.

THE WHOLE TRUTH would also include the Founding Fathers firing one of their own, Scholesy as the Hockey Coordinator (and Swoop also created a new word, a verb "scholesied" as in Swoop "scholesied" booking the rooms for the PSU Road Trip). He was replaced as Hockey Coordinator by the Frito-Lays = Ski-Phil, so look for an Olde Time Hockey announcement soon.

OZZIES-HHI BREAK $100 MARK

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

With (she was just) 17 (if you know what I mean) Hoopsters in action this AM, OZZIES-HHI BROKE the $100 MARK for the 1st time. Just to be sure, let's work thru the numbers using the Old Math (as opposed to the New Math): 17 x $6/Head. Start with 7 x 6 =42, save the 2 & carry the 4 to add to 6 x 1 = 6 + 4 carried = 10 with the saved 2 = $102, thus OZZIES-HHI BROKE the $100 MARK. Follow that? It doesn't matter, the real problem is what to do with 17 Hoopsters @ OZZIES?

That question required some brainstorming which requires a new paragraph. Our Director of Indoor Basketball (DIB)--Magnum & the Founding Fathers stormed up a plan that would have 6 Hoopsters going to Magnum's SOLA (Secret Overground Lair Arena) for a 3-on-3, but then OZZIES-HHI Wouldn't have BROKE THE $100 MARK because 17 Total Hoopsters less 6 going to SOLA = 11 x $6/Head = $66. Follow that? It doesn't matter because Iron brained a plan to have a 4 Teams x 4/5 Hoopsters x 2 Half-Courts OZZIES-HHI Tournament, so OZZIES-HHI BROKE the $100 MARK.

If all of the above was confusing to you--I'll try to make the rest simpler. The Captains Jack Strap, Giant Lipper, Knee Scab Phil & World B. Fri-to Ski created these OZZIES-HHI franchises:
* Where's the Beef = Magnum, What the Heck, DD Bails & Captain Jack will get you high tonight....
* Lip Stickers = Swoop, Iron Mike, Bank'in Bowers & Captain Lip will get you high tonight....
* SWellers = Scholesinator, Gary US Bonds, Ian Rocks & Captain Phil will get you high tonight....
* Ski Team = Quick Mike (who had HHI Fantasy Basketball Owners & Ski Whining when he departed early on with a calf injury), Mighty Kerr, Radon Rader, B4R=Q, and Captain Ski will get you high tonight....

And to keep this simple, as I promised, Where's the Beef swept to 1-2-3-4 straight victories and the OZZIES-HHI BREAK $100 MARK Daily Championship in memory of Wendy's "Where's the Beef" lady--Clair Pellar. And that reminds me of another Championship song (I have to go way back for this one since I'm a Philly Fan):
1-2-3-4 Who the Fuck is Bobby Orr
5-6-7-8 Esposito is a Fake
9-10-11-12 All the Bruins Can Go to Hell
And as the Late Great Gene Hart screamed: "The Flyers Win the Stanley Cup! The Flyers Win the Stanley Cup!! The Flyers Win the Stanley Cup!!!"