THE SUPER BOWL OF POKER

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

You may have heard of The World Series of Poker, but that's the minor leagues compared to THE SUPER BOWL OF POKER held on Saturday Night, high above the strip in Les Portas (the Rednecks call it Leesport) at the Poletti Brickhouse Hotel. THE SUPER BOWL OF POKER featured the Greatest Players in the Land (which in Disney, would be called Fantasy Land). There were some notables that weren't there including Johnny Chan & Doyle Brunson who claimed (just like last year) they got lost, the legendary Sheriff Hacker Sponge-Bob Square Pants, Guido (who instead had a "Romantic" Dinner with his wife per his daughter), F'in Ross (who was home caring for his Karen), and Radon Rader who like Vito "Swallow Not" Spat-afore was afraid what might happen if Sholesy Walnuts, Michael "Big Pussy" Mathias, and Swoop Soprano saw him (page down this Blog for that story).

Despite those absenses from THE SUPER BOWL OF POKER, there were fifteen (15) Playas (one more than last year's event) in action divided into three (3) tables of five (5) as follows:
* Last Year's SUPER BOWL OF POKER Champion: Moneymaker Bales; Bales Buddy--the Card Shark: Barry-cuda; Bluff'in Bowers; Quick Mike, and Swoop Soprano
* Last Year's SUPER BOWL OF POKER Runner-up: Jack "Of Hearts" Strap; Big Pussy Magnum; The Giant Lipper; Brother Craiger; and the Youngest Hustler in THE SUPER BOWL OF POKER History: Stevey "Wonder" Scholesy
* Chuck "GQ" Barbera (who took home the Best Dressed Award with his Dik-ta look); the real Iron Mike; HHI Commish: Wojo-Mojo; Scholesy Walnuts; and "On The River" Reitzy.

THE SUPER BOWL OF POKER pre-game featured Pizzas flown in from Sicily by Lipper (or so it seemed) and Dr. Evil was THE SUPER BOWL OF POKER Announcer who announced (what else would an Announcer do) that the SUPER BOWL OF POKER featured Millions (#2 then whispered "Dr. Evil, a million dollars isn't really that much these days")--strike that, Gagillions of Chips all for the worthy American Cancer Society Relay for Life cause, so "throw me a frigg'in bone" and shuffle up & deal.

THE 2007 SUPER BOWL OF POKER Story started off like Goldilocks & the 3 Poker Tables. One Table was Too Fast, Another Too Slow, and the last one was Just Right. The "Too Fast" Table saw Barry-cuda fairly quickly eliminated as he went all in & then out, followed shortly by none other than the Trash Talk'in Moneymaker Bales who at the turn of the cards went from SUPER BOWL OF POKER Champion to Has-Been (much to the delight of the Crowd). Then Bluff'in Bowers who took down Bales like Foreman floored Frazier, followed that up by reinventing himself as Ali with Quick as Foreman in a Rumble in the Poletti Jungle hand that left Quick stunned enough for Swoop to take him out. Thus, Bowers & Swoop were Too Fast to advance to THE SUPER BOWL OF POKER Championship Table (or as I like to call it: The Big Boys Table).

The "Just Right" Table saw The Giant Lipper eliminated after a spirited battle leaving a Final 4. At one point Brother Craiger was down to a poker chip & a chair (although that was better than Moneymaker Bales who by then just had a potato chip & a spectator's chair), but he took that hand. Eventually though, Craig's pile disintegrated and then there were 3. Your Athletic Supporter & Young Steven had by far the most chips, but Magnum appeared to be getting into Stevey's head & made a nice comeback until all 3 had enough chips to win it. But But (yes, the dreaded Double But) it came down to two very exciting hands at the end. The 1st saw Magnum betting with a good hand of 2 pairs, but Stevey Wonder pulled it out with a Straight. Then Magnum drew another 2 pairs, and went "All In" as Young Steven started to sweat under the pressure of Magnum's "bullying". But But But, like Bales "no look" shot over Magnum at HHI this AM (page down the Blog for that story)--Steven made the call & then took the Big Man down with another Big Straight. So it was Young Steven & Jack "Of Hearts" Strap advancing to THE SUPER BOWL OF POKER Championship Table.

Then there was the "Too Slow" Table. Back & forth they went, when they were gonna stop--nobody knew. THE SUPER BOWL OF POKER Commissioner, Quick Mike eventually stepped in to make them double their blinds and Scholesy Walnuts was eventually eliminated. A while later, the dapperly dressed Chuckster finally succumbed to the "watching paint dry" tempo of their table. By then, Iron Mike had an impressive fortress of trips, so it came down to Reitzy vs. Wojo. They then lost their SUPER BOWL OF POKER Crowd when an exciting Wii boxing match broke out in the Penthouse between Lauren "The Pummeler" Poletti & "Lights Out" Lizzie the Lizinator. I am not able to report on the winner of that bout because it was my obligation to return to the "Too Slow" Poker Table, but the Crowd got their Wii monies worth (& later I heard them debating on who would win a real pugilistic encounter). But back to Reitzy vs. Wojo: Reitzy ev-en-tu-al-ly won, thus advancing to THE SUPER BOWL OF POKER Championship Table.

So the only 2006 returnee to THE 2007 SUPER BOWL OF POKER Championship Table was Your Athletic Supporter--Jack Strap, but he faced some stiff competition in the form of a lot of other tired (by then, it was like Midnight) old guys & one young guy whose Dad was dozing on the couch watching Sports Center reruns he had seen hours earlier. When yours truly won the opening hand, the Les Portas odds of victory jumped even higher, but after a series of hands where I just couldn't get the job done--my quest for the coveted plaque was shattered (& shadoobied). Next to fall was Bluff'in Bowers, followed by Iron Mike--leaving just Reitzy, Stevey Wonder, and Swoop.

The Final 3 (of 15) deserve a new paragraph. First there was The Boy Wonder who finally succumbed (used that "good word" again in case you missed it the 1st time) to the very high Blinds, which I guess is ironic for someone nicknamed Stevey Wonder. Then there was Swoop who has been living down in Texas for the past 5-1/2 weeks spending all of his time beyond his 20 minutes/day Proton treatment & trips to the store for shaving cream, studying/cramming for this Texas Hold'em Poker game. He had a shot to become THE 2007 SUPER BOWL OF POKER Champion, But Reitzy didn't get his "On The River" nickname for nothing as he used a couple of those River cards to drown Swoop and take home the bragging rights & plaque (note he was so tired, he almost forgot it) as THE SUPER BOWL OF POKER Champion.

Special Thanks to Diane-dretti for opening her Poletti Brickhouse Hotel to a bunch of hoodlums who don't really belong in a 5-Star ***** establishment and providing snacks & beverages. Also Thanks to Pure Carbon Corrine (I really hope I spelled that right this time), Iron Mike, and Mrs. Strap (a.k.a. Wilson's #1 Basketball Fan) for the Baked Goods. With the $25 entrance fee for the 15 Playas + Hacker Bob who paid despite not being able to make it, we raised $400 for our ACS Relay for Life Team Poletti less expenses (pizza, plaque, etc), so that's really the bottom line until THE 2008 SUPER BOWL OF POKER.

RADER BREAKS CODE OF SILENCE

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

When you join the HHI Family--you take an oath including The CODE OF SILENCE to Not share any HHI Family info with outsiders. This investigative reporter has learned that Radon RADER has BROKEN that CODE OF SILENCE by telling SRBA (Stiff Rich Basketball Amalgamation) players Woooh Nelly & Sprewell Sprockett that they could play on our Ozzies "Turf". Now you know what this means for RADER--that's right, a "social" visit from Scholesy Walnuts, Michael "Big Pussy" Mathias, and Swoop Soprano.

To outsiders, it might not seem like a big deal to let a couple of guys from the other side of the tracks play, but let me tell you the problem with that you goombahs. First off--the HHI Family already has plenty of guys, but let me also give you an example of where letting outsiders in gets you. The NBA started letting European League guys (etc.) play and they ended up taking the positions of the token white guys who then had no place to play. Luckily when that happened about 15 years ago, our Founding Fathers filled the void with HHI, so white guys still had a League to play in & let's keep it that way.

And today that League chose their (& maybe the World's) Top 2 Texas Hold'em Poker Players as the Captains & they then chose these Teams:
* Moneymakers = Captain "Betting" Bales, Steve-Roller What the Heck, EX-Smoker Bob, Bank'in Bowers, Mighty Kerr, and Gary US Bonds
* All In = Captain Jack "of Hearts" Strap, Magnum, Iron, Swoop, Scholesinator, and Quick Mike
* 13th Man Rover = Sheriff Hacker Little Yao Sponge-Bob Square Pants
* Did Not Play = Nelly, Sprewell & RADER whose next BREAK won't be The CODE OF SILENCE if you know what I mean

Game 1 saw the Moneymakers come back late for the vic-to-ry, kind of like when Bales beat yours truly on the last card (or in poker talk: drowned me on the river) at last years' Tournament. The rematch is tonight, but don't BREAK The CODE OF SILENCE by telling anybody outside Da Family.

In Game 2--All In put it all in while jumping to a big 11-4 lead, but then like the "hokey pokey", they took it All Out while "pissing away" (as they say in Da Family) that lead. The Moneymakers stormed all the way back to tie it at 14 before Swoop Soprano took matters into his own hands to win it for All In with a putback in the paint.

With the Series tied, Game 3 was for all the chips & the Moneymakers jumped to a big lead, But All In came back led by Quick Mike. But But (the dreaded Double But) Bales hit a "Globetrotters" (and 1) shot at a critical juncture to spur his Moneymakers to the Daily Championship (and the only Championship he'll win today).

In my final analysis, it just occurred to me that the Roving Hacker Bob was 0-3 today. Now I'm not saying it was Hacker's fault, although EX-Smoker Bob did in Game#2. And remember--don't forget the CODE OF SILENCE for next week's HHI games.

CAPTAINS' CHOICE

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

The CAPTAINS for today's game: Diggetty Doug Bails & yours truly Jack Strap made the CHOICE to "Think Outside the Box" & join forces rather than compete against each other. This CAPTAINS' CHOICE resulted in these HHI All Star Teams (note HHI turned down Las Vegas' offer & thus the NBA is there, but you won't see a word from me on that as what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas):
* CAPTAINS' CHOICES = CAPTAIN Bails, CAPTAIN Jack, What the Heck (a.k.a. CAPTAIN Crunch), Quick Mike (a.k.a. CAPTAIN Kangaroo), and The Mighty CAPTAIN Kerr-k
* CAPTAINS' Discards = Magnum Mike, Ian Rocks, Iron Mike, EX-Smoker Bob, and Bank'in Bowers
* 11th Man = Roving Radon Rader

Game 1 saw the CAPTAINS' Discards playing like they wanted to prove to the CAPTAINS that they were worthy, rather than like Party on Wayne & Party on Garth's "we're not worthy". And they were worthy, led by Ian Rocks who now prefers the manly ball to that girly ball that I heard he brought last week, as they prevailed to take the series lead.

But the CAPTAINS steadied their CHOICES in Game 2 and they came together like the cohesive Team that Bails/Strap had visualized while tying the series. Then in Game 3 they "laid the smack down" on the CAPTAINS' Discards while (jennifer) garnering the Daily Championship (DC) & more importantly--giving Rader his 1st win.

Before we get to the Iron Man Finale, I promised to educate the HHI masses by providing the definition of Heck's word "harbinger":
har·bin·ger /ˈhɑrbɪndʒər/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[hahr-bin-jer] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

1.	a person who goes ahead and makes known the approach of another; herald.

2.	anything that foreshadows a future event; omen; sign: Frost is a harbinger of winter.

3.	a person sent in advance of troops, a royal train, etc., to provide or secure lodgings and other accommodations.

–verb (used with object)

4.	to act as harbinger to; herald the coming of.

It turns out that the CAPTAINS' CHOICES' DC was a harbinger of the Iron Man Finale as the CAPTAINS' CHOICES took the IMF Title too by a score of 15-12.

HHI NEWS

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

In HHI NEWS, I talked to HHI Hall of Famer, Old School Bruce as he was walking the frozen tundra Saturday Morning. He advised that Commissioner Emeritus Collin has added to his collection of HHI phrases & names which include such Classics as "Quick Mike--a baby", "Quick Mike is mean", "Big Bob", "Swoop", and "Blue Car"--he now says "Glenn". Seems he learned this because he has a teacher named Glenn who he was calling Blue Car--you know Collin's sense of humor. No word yet when he'll be saying "Jack Strap".

HHI NEWS in last Sunday's Reading Eagle where Iron's picture appeared while receiving a Realtor's Award under his weekday alias of "Michael White".

In other HHI NEWS, Magnum supplied Swoop with this Texas Workout for his free time in Houston, although if you pay Magnum a license fee--you too can get "Pumped Up" like "Hans & Franz":

1) 20 minutes of cardio - get your heart rate up to about 70% of your max (that's 220 - 48 = 172 * .7 = 120). Try to stay around 120 to 130 for 20 minutes.

2) use the circuit. Go right from one station to the next. Select a weight that you can get 10 reps but probably not 11. At the end of 1 trip thru the stations, rest for 2 minutes. Do this 5 times. Your reps will decline, but probably won't drop under 8 for all 5 sets.

3) warm down on the cardio again for about 10 minutes - slow and easy.

4) then lay on the floor and do all kinds of stretches (anything you can think of) for about 15 minutes.

5) seek out the hot tub, order over a few Heinikins, and light up that big Cuban. The smoke will clear every one out and you'll have it to yourself.

6) call room service - ask for Olga - you want the full body sweedish massage - you deserve it!

Hopefully you can make it to steps 5 & 6

Big HHI NEWS regarding Da Hills from Commish Wojo-Mojo:
At our regular Rec Board meeting Tuesday night, I asked the Borough Manager to remind the Borough Maintenance Director that he promised to repair/replace the backboards and rims at the playground. This led to a discussion about removing the curb around the court as well. I was up there this week and noticed that nothing has been done and it looks even worse now than it did this summer. Hopefully something will get done now. I'll let you know what I hear.

On a related note, there is a movement by the Wyomissing School Distriict to acquire that Playground and Park and build a new school there. There is even a preliminary design that puts a parking lot right on top of the basketball courts. There is also room for new courts, but the residents of our area are mounting a fight to stop any development of the park, which for years we thought was designated as permanent recreation/open space. Some very good people are fighting very hard against the borough and school district to keep this from being destroyed. Ask Quick about it when you see him. He's seen the e-mail campaign, and that's just the surface. All, of course, in the name of HHI.

And finally in HHI NEWS--Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap is heading to Walt Disney World (WDW) to represent HHI during Champions week along with Tony Dungee, Peyton Manning, etc., so looking for a reporter to provide me coverage of HHI Saturday AM.

GOING TO DISNEY

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

What's almost as fun as GOING TO DISNEY? That's right, HHI Basketball @ the Oz-Rena (or Da Hills--more to come on Da Hills on Tueday). Anyway, if you got that wrong then "drop and give me 20, maggot". Speaking of orders--Sargent Quick ordered What the Heck & Magnum to be the Captains and of course they were submissive & selected these squads:
* Magnanimous = Captain Magnum, Bank'in Bowers, Radon Rader, Diggetty Doug Bales, Quick Mike, Swoop, and Your Athletic Supporter
* Hecktorious = Captain Heck, Iron Mike, Coach Bill, Mighty Kerr, Connor Magnum, Scholesinator, and EX-Smoker Bob (returning from therapy recovered from Sargent Quick's past verbal abuse)

Game 1 saw Hecktorious jump to a nice lead before Quick turned the tables on them with 1-2-3 deuces as Captain Heck beckoned for Connor Magnum to play tough defense like they do at Wilson, although I think the problem was just that Connor had to drop a "2" {wait for it} in the bathroom. After he returned, Hecktorious retook the lead at 14-13 before Mag-Daddy abruptly ended it with a Magnanimous deuce.

Magnanimous took the nice 10-5 lead in Game 2, but it was then Mag-Daddy's turn to go on a long bathroom break (paraphrasing from the "Water Boy"--this begs the question, what are they putting in the water in Leesport). While he was sitting, Hecktorious went on a run (bathroom pun not intended) and just as Magnum couldn't get anything to come out, his Magnanimous teammates couldn't get anything to go in. The result was Hecktorious tying the series with an easy win.

Thus Game 3 was for {drum roll please} the Daily Championship (DC). Some will say that the DC is HHI's Super Bowl and that the MVP of the DC should be GOING TO DISNEY. I know those not in attendance are now on the edge of their seats (hopefully not toilet seats with their laptops), so I'll cut to the chase. Magnanimous prevailed for the Daily Championship & yours truly was "voted" the MVP so I'm GOING TO DISNEY. The "vote" was no surprise as here's what some of my Magnanimous teammates said about me:
* DD Bales = "Feed him, he's hot"
* Swoop = "You're the best big man on the court"

This just left the Iron Man Finale (IMF) which some will say is the equivalent of the NFL Pro Bowl (especially me after I win the DC) except that it's in Leesport rather than Hawaii (same country anyway). If anyone is still reading this, note that Hecktorious was victorious for the IMF Title. More importantly, stay tuned for my report on Tuesday, before I'm GOING TO DISNEY, which will include:
* An Old School Bruce update on Commissioner Emeritus Collin
* Magnum's patented TX Workout
* Commissioner Wojo-Mojo's "State of Da Hills" Address