COMMISSIONERS' COUP

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Unlike COMMISSIONERS in other sports, HHI's COMMISSIONERS nip problems right in the bud and that was crystal clear at HHI Saturday. COMMISSIONER WOJO-MOJO had hatched (i.e. he sat on it all week) the plan, but only COMMISSIONER Emeritus Collin could execute it. When Quick stepped into his Ozzies' office (i.e. bathroom) this AM, COMMISSIONER Collin was there with an agreement for Quick to sign and Old School wasn't going to hand over the TP until he did. The agreement gives Quick the right to continue to play for HHI, but with the caveat that he never sue or threaten suit upon HHI or any of it's players or affiliates. Quick asked "what if I refuse" and COMMISSIONER Collin replied "go home". Quick whined, COMMISSIONER Collin called him a "baby", and Quick signed just in time for #2. Thus the COMMISSIONERS' COUP was complete.

So with the COMMISSIONERS having solved the problem, HHI was free to do what it does best--play some hoops. Captains Swoop & Strap negotiated hard while forming these squads:
* Miller Time = EX-Smoker Bob, Sargent Carter, Magnum, Knee Scab Phil, and Your Athletic Supporter
* Swoop's Time? = Steve-Roller What the Heck, Scholesinator, Quick Mike, Iron Mike, and Swoop
* 11th Man Rover = Mighty Kerr

The tone was established fairly early in Game #1 when Quick came into Big Bob's house in the paint & took an accidental shot to the schnoz without any kind of retaliatory legal actions threatened as the COMMISSIONERS' COUP had taken care of that. With Miller Time not having to worry about lawsuits, they could concentrate on basketball and they played good team ball on both ends of the court in getting the "W".

In Game #2, Sargent Carter nailed Quick in the "family jewels" with an accidental shot and it was Miller Time again Baby and Not Swoop's Time for a Daily Championship. Quick was out for good by Game #3 as his foot popped after a quick move (ironic pun intended) on him by Phil as Miller Time romped to a Sweep over Swoop's Time.

In fact, the closest game of the day was bubble hockey match featuring COMMISSIONER Collin vs. Old School Bruce which ended in a 3-3 tie after a late goal by Bruce. Speaking of O.S. Bruce, our Golf COMMISSIONER announced that he'll be looking to schedule the HHI/TCFL Golf Outing in June.

BINGO IS HIS GAME-O

By Your BINGO Supporter, Jack Strap

Scholesy was much maligned for "dropping the ball" on organizing an Olde Time Hockey game in recent years, but redeemed himself last night by organizing an American Cancer Society Relay for Life BINGO fundraiser out on Rt. 724 in Birdsboro (near last week's earthquake measuring around 2 on the Richter Scale). So I guess you'd have to say BINGO IS HIS GAME-O as the net profit on the event was over $500 (an exacting report will be forthcoming from Scholesy & our Team Poletti Captains).

Actually BINGO runs in Scholesy's family on Mary Jo's (MJ) Phillips side as they've been operating this Hillcrest BINGO Hall since 1991 and before that the family had another BINGO Hall in Reading. Although, despite MJ working at Hillcrest for many years and daughter Sarah in recent years, Scholesy had never been there until a few weeks ago. Nonetheless with the help of MJ and a couple of Hillcrest BINGO employees, as well as the support of Poletti Family & Friends, this was a very successful fundraiser.

The crowd was pretty good with a mix of BINGO Pro's who really knew how to handle a BINGO Dabber to BINGO Amateurs (i.e. Members or Friends of Team Poletti, although was expecting more of a turnout from the TCFL & HHI) who just learned what a Dabber is. Despite going up against the BINGO Pro's (BINGO IS THEIR GAME-O), the Amateurs had a pretty good showing with BINGO winners including (but not limited to, as I might have missed a couple): A Girl Named Sue (Reitz), Mighty Monica, and Davey Boy Lipper. HHI/TCFL was shutout as Mighty Kerr, Iron Mike, Giant Lipper, and On The River Reitzy couldn't Dabber their way to BINGO, but it's not about winning & losing--it's about The Cause.

Speaking of The Relay for Life Cause, our next Team Poletti Fundraiser is F'in Ross' Texas Hold'em Tourney on May 12 @ the Sly Fox in Royersford where we're hoping for a big turnout including from the TCFL/HHI--sign up Now.

BE-CAUSE and EFFECT

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Only (9) HHIers showed up on a picture-perfect day outside for hoops inside @ Ozzies. The word on the street is that guys aren't showing up BECAUSE they are afraid of being sued, BECAUSE they can't afford the liability insurance, BECAUSE Magnum has been jacking up their rates, BECAUSE of all the threatened lawsuits in recent weeks--it's a Vicious Cycle. The EFFECT today was only 9 players when 12 our sought inside & we'll be looking for atleast 16 outside @ Da Hills (tentatively starting May 5 depending on DIB negotiations with Ozzies' Gary).

Speaking of our Director-Indoor Basketball (DIB) Magnum, he has no worries about the above because he gets his liability insurance for free BECAUSE his company has the HHI Insurance Contract (although rumor has it that Commish Wojo-Mojo is talking to the GEICO Caveman). The EFFECT of that is that Magnum is free to deliver Chuck Liddell-like forearm shots like the one to Iron's head today and he was also free to hit the basket with a bunch of shots in Game #1 to lead his "Box & No One" squad (also including What the Heck, Scholesinator & Quick) to a 15-10 win.

Sargent Carter was a bit tentative in Game #1 BECAUSE of the whole lawsuit/insurance dynamic after Quick alleged early that Carter hit him in the back. But in Game #2, Sarge just decided to throw caution to the wind and stop throwing the ball so much to his teammates (Swoop, Mighty, Iron & Your Athletic Supporter) who had shot in Game #1 like there was wind to be cautious of. The EFFECT was a very competitive game, although Box & No One prevailed again by 15-14 on a baseline drive by Heck.

The Please Don't Sue Me squad did comeback to defeat Box & No One in Game #3, but by then Box & No One already had the Daily Championship. The CAUSE and EFFECT also allowed B & NO to capture the Iron Man Finale (IMF) Title in convincing fashion but that wasn't too big a deal, BECAUSE the important thing was that nobody got hurt & nobody got sued.

HHI COACHING NEWS

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

This reporter has learned that HHI's Steve-Roller What the Heck has accepted a position as Offensive Coordinator for Central Catholic's Football squad. My source (who wished to be identified as "Bottomless Larynx" as he was too homophobic to go with "Deep Throat") knew about this months before the Reading Eagle's recent reporting of it & in effect acted as a reference for Heck. I couldn't get a quote from Heck, but I'm sure he would have said and I quote "My goal is to turn Central into an offensive juggernaut that will challenge Wyomissing. Tell D.D.Bales to give up on that pipe dream of Wyo beating Wilson and start worrying about CCHS" [end quote].

Your Athletic Supporter can also squash the related rumor that Magnum Magnum bought a 3rd house (this one perfect for BINGO) in the Central Catholic district, so Connor Magnum could play for Heck there as the Wilson move related to academics, not athletics.

SIGHT FOR SORE EYES

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

It was a SIGHT FOR SORE EYES when Quick showed up to play today with his welding glasses on after having been Doubtful on the HHI Injury Report. So as to Not add Insult to Injury, EX-Smoker Bob didn't bring those glasses with the eyes popping out. So as to Not be Politically Incorrect, Bob didn't call him a "nappy-headed ho" either. And that reminds me that Monday is Emancipation Day, so your Taxes aren't due until Tuesday and "Holiday" Bill Ruth was in action today with these squads selected based on glasses vs. no glasses:
* 20-20 Vision = EX-Smoker Bob, Iron Mike, What the Heck, Knee Scab Phil, and Your Athletic Supporter
* Mrs. Riley's Boys (reference to My HHI Lawyer--My Cousin Vinny) = Quick, Magnum, Swoop, Mighty, and "Holiday" Bill Ruth

I must say Game 1 was pretty good. Both teams got off shooting well as "Holiday" Bill Ruth & EX-Smoker Bob traded baskets & sub-par defense. In the final analysis, 20-20 Vision just saw the court better as they prevailed on a left-handed hooker (not to be confused with a nappy-headed ho) by Big Bob.

My wife just asked me if Quick wore protection today & I told her I wasn't sure if he had a condom on or not (Quick?). But I am sure that Magnum got worked up between games as he talked about the Hostile Take-over of the Schuykill Valley Youth Football Program. Magnum Magnum also told us that SV had sent Connor Magnum to Peer Mediation for saying a girl was Fat. It's at the point now that you can't call a spade a spade, or a nappy-headed ho. Anyway--a short while later Magnum saw a lady using Ozzie's new Generic Ice Cream of the Future Machine & noted that's the last thing that Fat.....(you get the point about the acorn & the tree).

Back to the action in Game 2, this was a close game that was ultimately won by good Defense by Mrs. Riley's Boys who now had the right amount of thickness in their glasses. I would be remiss if I didn't point out that Magnum stole the ball in the open court from EX-Smoker, not once but twice for layups. You know what they say Bob--get it to a guard.

But EX-Smoker Bob had the last laugh in the deciding Game #3 as 20-20 had more stamina over the final 60 Minutes (did you miss that one?). If you remissed it then you also probably didn't see what I saw--that Big Bob right-hand hooked-in (the shot formerly known as the Nicotine Hook) the Daily Championship winning shot for 20-20 Vision.

Mrs. Riley's Boys thought they had the Iron Man Finale won at 14-10, but they couldn't see how many fingers My Cousin Vinny was holding up. It turned out it was two--telling 20-20 to go for deuces which yours truly & Heck did to tie it, and then Your Athletic Supporter went "low below-the-rim" to tip-in the IMF Title-Winner for 20-20 Vision.

PIRATES LIFE FOR ME

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

The HHI pre-game was tenser than usual with the talk including words like Injury, Plaintiff, Defendant, and Suspension. But EX-Smoker Bob knew just what HHI needed to loosen things up when he donned a PIRATES eye patch & did his best impression (Arrrg Matey) of a Swashbuckler. Then shiver me timbers, Captains Mighty Kerr & Iron Mike selected their Crews:
* Swashbucklers = EX-Smoker Bob, What the Heck, Ian Rocks, Your Athletic Supporter & Captain Iron
* Skull & Crossbones = Magnum, Swoop, Pat's Steaks, Yanu Tim & Captain Mighty
* 11th Man Roving Sitter = DD Bales

The Swashbucklers were almost heard singing It's a PIRATES LIFE FOR ME after they swept three (3) straight games for the Daily Championship (note Game 2 was the only one that was particularly tight). While Skull & Crossbones was left for dead in the water with a yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum.

So that being said & done, it may be a PIRATES LIFE FOR ME as my HHI Fate is in the hands of Commissioner Wojo-Mojo and a Judge/Jury if Plantiff Quick brings his threatened lawsuit to trial. Suspension or No Suspension, that is the question The Commish will 1st need to answer. I will stick by my statement from yesterday "I'm guilty of accidently poking Quick in the eye & feeling bad about it." I will ask the Commish to consider why it is always Quick in the middle of these things (e.g. a few short weeks ago he was allegedly injured by & threatened lawsuits against both Magnum & Swoop). Also remember Swoop's statement "I haven't seen anyone put their body in harms way as much as Quick since Tex Cobb retired."

If this goes to trial, I have already lined up my lawyer--My Cousin Vinny. I can hear Vinnie now "Are we to believe that a mere finger could cause so much damage, was it a bionic finger like that $6 Million Man guy had?" Quick showed up at Ozzies this AM showing & telling one & all about his latest injury and his medical bills. He said that he may not just limit his lawsuit to me, but rather sue all of HHI for unsafe playing conditions. If that comes about, I can tell you that the Founding Fathers will stop at nothing to save the League which plans to celebrate its 15th Anniversary this Summer. This isn't a threat Quick, but a promise that we'll put Cool E on the Stand regarding her statement yesterday that you're Always getting hurt and we'll have her tell that classic story about how she personally fixed your broken nose like Burt Reynolds did in "The Longest Yard" (the original of course).

But if none of the above works, then without HHI: It's a PIRATES LIFE FOR ME--Smoker, where can I get a Pirates Patch?

BENDER DIDN'T HAVE THE BALL TO SHOW UP

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

BENDER'S BALL was there once again (courtesy of Swoop), but BENDER DIDN'T HAVE THE BALL TO SHOW UP for HHI's Good Friday Special @ Ozzies. Also Not SHOWING UP was Magnum, but that was because the HHIAA has temporarily suspended him why they investigate if he has a "Residence" within the HHI District. By HHIAA Definition--a "Residence" doesn't include a Poker House, a "Secret" Basketball Lair, or an Insurance Business. Those SHOWING UP included the Captains Hacker Bob & Coach Bill, although they played more like Hacker Bill & Coach Bob, but first they selected these Virtual Franchises:
* Big Man Bluff = "Holiday" Bill Ruth, Scholesinator, Gary US Bonds, Your Athletic Supporter, and Captain Sheriff Hacker Sponge Bob Square Pants
* Yee of Little Faith = Quick Mike, Swoop, Pat's Steaks (those 3 whined about Coach's picking), Mighty Kerr, and Coach Bill

Game 1 saw Big Man Bluff losing early, but coming back Big by pounding it inside and taking what looked to be a safe lead. A "safe lead" in HHI, that's usually a contradiction of terms (or a "paradox" for those of you who graduated from PSU) and it was in this case as Yee of Little Faith stole one at the end as Mighty Kerry Good Friday scored the 15-14 game-winning bucket.

In Game 2, Yee of Little Faith not only found HHI Religion, but a Strategy = Spread the court, feed it into Mighty Kerr on his Good Friday Holiday for a score Inside or if Big Man Bluff doubles down--kick it Outside to a plethora of deuce shooters. It was a genius strategy & whoever (or whomever) came up with it qualifies as the next Coach at SVHS as it's going to be tough to win there without HHI's Connor Magnum. Anyway, you might have guessed that Yee of Little Faith won again.

Game 3 was another close one, but the Yee's stuck to their strategy and it was enough to put the Exclamation Point!!! on their Daily Championship. That just left the IMF Title and that was yet another close game as the squads were tied at 12 when Your Athletic Supporter inadvertantly poked Quick Mike in the eye. Unfortunately, this was a Mo Howard-like poke and Quick was unable to continue. Let's all pray and keep the "Faith" that Quick will be Eye-OK.

BREAKING NEWS

Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap has BREAKING NEWS. You won't see this tonight on ESPN, Comcast SportsNet or the NFL or NBA Networks (note tomorrow it will be all over those sports media outlets) as it's a Jack Strap Exclusive.

Via intense investigative efforts--Your Athletic Supporter has learned that HHI's Connor Magnum is coming out early. That's right, Magnum Magnum's boy is coming out of Schuykill Valley early and has matriculated to that mecca of educational excellence--Wilson. Mr. Magnum elaborated "Wilson School District offers a broader selection of AP classes at the Sr High level as well as their Dual Enrollment opportunity with Penn State Berks for seniors who wish to combine their Senior year of high school and earn college credits at Penn State Berks."
Of course, this reporter doesn't need to tell you that it doesn't get any better than a Wilson & Penn State combo.

Connor will also play football & basketball when he's at Wilson and I think his time with HHI has prepared him for the big jump (pun intended) to Quad AAAA competition. Thankfully, he inherited Mrs. Magnum's basketball gene rather than Mr. Magnum, so he won't be in constant foul trouble since they don't call their own fouls in High School. Mr. Magnum will claim Connor has his football gene and after seeing Magnum catch (5) of my TD passes (over Scott the Shot) at the Body Zone a couple years back--I won't quibble with that.

Connor Magnum & his parents are living over in Spring Ridge in what Magnum described today as "a great poker house", so we'll look forward to The Stanley Cup of Poker there in the coming months.