A HAWK-EAT-RABBIT WORLD

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

It was A HAWK-EAT-RABBIT WORLD (or so it seemed) this morning @ Da Hills as 14 Hoopsters converged to play on a picturesque day. HHI veterans Coach Bill & Hacker Bob made like the NBA Draft except there were no talented freshman to be had, so they settled for these virtual franchises:
* The HAWK = Steve-Roller What the Heck, Iron Mike, Pat's Steaks, Radon Rader, Diggetty Doug Bales, Your Athletic Supporter, and Coach Bill
* The RABBIT = Stay-Puff Marsh-mellow Man, Sprewell Sprockett, Scholesinator, DJ Jazzy Jones, Mighty Kerr, EX-Smoker Bob, and Sheriff Hacker Notorious B.I.G. Biggy Smalls Sponge Bob Little Yao Pants

The HAWK was EATING The RABBIT up 7-0 in Game 1 when they looked up on the hill & literally saw a HAWK fly off with a RABBIT in it's mouth. We didn't see what actually happened after that, although assumptions were made, but at HHI--never assume. Because The RABBIT got back in the game and within 13-11 after The RABBIT'S Hacker Bob Jack'd (pun intended) in 2 straight deuces. But Pat abruptly ended it it with a deuce from Pat range for The HAWK win & then got a call from Billy King who noted that Thaddeus Young just isn't working out.

On to Game 2 as The HAWK suddenly seemed to lose their appetite for solid play at both ends and The RABBIT started to run their fastbreak well & those easy baskets were the difference in their win. The RABBIT carried this momentum over into Game 3 during which Heck commented that The RABBIT's DJ was like an AM/PM market--he's always open. The HAWK's lethal combo of lackadaisical "D", poor shooting, and turnovers was a recipe for "The HAWK is Dead" as Villanova likes to chant.

But in Game #4 The HAWK resorted to trickery (i.e. follow along closely below) to try to get back in this Best of 5 Series: The RABBIT shouted "HAWK Season", The HAWK responded "RABBIT Season", The RABBIT yelled "HAWK Season", The HAWK then responded "HAWK Season", and when The RABBIT then reversed it "RABBIT Season"--The HAWK screamed "Fire". So The HAWK's Pat did for the game-winning deuce to tie the series.

On to the Game #5 Finale where both teams battled through adversity to the precipice of victory while teetering on the agony of defeat. With the score tied at 12, The HAWK's Pat shook off a couple of Ugly misses & had a deuce half-way down, but it came out. Then The HAWK's Coach (who didn't hit a deuce all day long as pointed out by both Heck & Hacker) also had one go in & out. Next The RABBIT's well-behaved Sprewell Sprockett hit a clutch deuce under duress which was followed by EX-Smoker's game-winning drive under duress for The RABBIT's Daily Championship.

During the post-game, The Jubilant RABBIT said "this DC finally makes up for that crushing Hare loss to the Tortoise & Welcome to A RABBIT-EAT-HAWK WORLD".

BETTING ON BASKETBALL

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

So last Saturday I got up really early at 5am Vegas time and waited for the HHI BETTING odds to come up on the Big Board at The Mirage. It took you guys forever to pick your teams (the only thing slower is the NFL Draft), but when I finally saw the "What the Hacker" squad of Hacker, Heck, EX-Smoker, Mighty & Swoop I figured that BETTING ON BASKETBALL was a Better BET than taking a black jack hit, putting it all on black at the roulette wheel, or pushing the button at the slot machine (those levers are all fake these days). Unfortuately I "lost my shirt" on that BET, so I was back @ Da Hills this AM for a 4 x 4/5 x 2 simultaneous BASKETBALL courts' relay with the following virtual franchises:
* Drop & Give Me 50 Maggott = "Captain" Sargent Carter, Stay-puff Marsh-mellow Man, Iron Mike, Sheriff Hacker Notorious B.I.G. Biggy Smalls Sponge Bob Square Little Yao Pants (who found $5 in the pre-game & donated it to the Relay for Life) and the Unpopular 17th Man--Radon Rader
* Don't Give Me No Lip = "Captain" Giant Lipper, Scholesinator, DJ Jazzy Jones, and Pat's Steaks who ran up the score 39-2 while Coaching Under 9 BASKETBALL (although unlike Pete Rose he didn't BET on it) in the Reading Black-Top League
* Hoooo Shot JR = "Captain" JR (who was playing hurt with an ankle that requires a screw to hold it together in an upcoming operation that will put him out for atleast 4 weeks), EX-Smoker Bob, Diggetty Doug Bails (who left Da Hills briefly when he thought he heard "Last Call" per Pat), and Coach Bill
* Heck & the Founding Fathers = "Captain" What the Heck, Mighty Kerr, Swoop, and Your Athletic Supporter

Round 1 saw Heck & the Founding Fathers being almost handed the 11-2 win by the turnover-prone Don't Give Me No Lip. While Drop & Give Me 50 Maggott dished out some basic training to Hoooo Shot JR while getting the victory.

The Stink'in Losers switched courts for Round 2 which saw Heck hitting 3 deuces & the Founding Fathers hitting one (Swoop actually) in their win over Hoooo (Out) Shot JR. On the flip side, it was Drop & Give Me 50 Maggott prevailing again vs. Don't Give Me No Lip.

During Game #2, a guy in a Scott-White (i.e. Yellow) Shirt rode up on a bike & entered the HHI fray. I hereby dub him "Everybody Knows Joey" as almost everybody seemed to know him. I have now completed my security checks on Joey & he's cleared to play again next week if he brings both a blue & a white shirt as the yellow jersey is a Tour De France thing. With the HHI Freedom of Information Act, I must release this info:
* "Everybody Knows Joey" is Joe Binasiewicz
* Joe is a Customer Service Manager for Birchcraft "Fine Custom Cabinetry"
* Birchcraft is located on Thorn St. which Swoop advised (per KSP) was near Al's Diamond Cabaret
* If you need a fine custom cabinet call Joe @ 610-375-4391 or check out their website www.birchcraftkitchens.com
* we'll see if Birchcraft's email filters block the HHI Blog?

Anyway, like a Dream Come True for him, "Everybody Knows Joey" was then inserted into the HHI Daily Championship (DC) game with Heck & the Founding Fathers vs. Drop & Give Me 50 Maggott. And Joey's slashes to the hoop were one of the keys in "Heck & the Founding Fathers" DC-winning victory as Sargent Carter's post-game protest was over-ruled as it was his call (Hacker mysteriously had No Opinion) to allow Joey in the DC. If anybody cares, deep in the Stink'in Losers bracket, Hoooo Shot JR got the "W" against Don't Give Me No Lip.

It was such a nice day that we decided to go to Round 4 with Round 1 Rematches. There winless Don't Give Me Know Lip gave Heck & the Founding Father a scare before the latter improved to 4-0. And I heard Hooo Shot JR's JR put on a shooting clinic while evening his squad and Drop & Give Me 50 Maggott at 2-2.

So that just left the Iron Man Finale (IMF) with 10 players on the court and three (Swoop, Lip & Mighty) in the Announcers Booth. This game was originally to 15 which was "won" by Scholesy, JR, Bales, Coach & Your Athletic Supporter, but EX-Smoker controversially extended it to 21. There was also more controversy (i.e. entertainment) in this game when Hacker called a Foul on JR (note HHI Rules state that "Defense Calls Fouls") for both shoving & grabbing him, although I thought Hacker should have needed 3 reasons to make that call. At the "black jack 21" end it was EX-Smoker, Heck, Hacker (note those 3 were key to my Lost BET ON BASKETBALL last week), Marsh & Iron Mike winning the IMF Title.

PARIS, QUICK, GUARANTEE, and MORE

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

PARIS Hilton went back to Jail kicking & screaming, but QUICK escaped his HHI House Arrest to make an appearance @ Da Hills. Also at Da Hills were a Sweaty Sixteen Free Men in hoops action, although very thankfully--none were wearing Crotchless Panties or a Black Boot. What they were wearing were (that's alot of w's) dark & light jerseys as they were divided into these 4 x 4 x 2 squads:
* A Night Inside PARIS (name courtesy of Robin Williams) = DD Bales, Bank'in Bowers, Adam Bomb, and Captain What the Heck
* Raw Skank Redemption (name courtesy of Conan O'Brien) = Coach Bill, Who Killed Kenny, Giant Lipper, and Captain Stay-Puff Marsh-mellow Man
* Das Boot (name courtesy of Lothar-Gunther Buccheim) = Pat's Steaks, Swoop, Sheriff Hacker Notorious B.I.G. Biggy-Small Sponge Bob Little Yao Pants, and Captain FU Frank
* Shake Your Booty (name courtesy of KC & the Sunshine Band) = Your Athletic Supporter, Iron Mike, Mighty Kerr, and Captain Hoooo Shot JR

Round 1 featured a Hot-Hot-Hot matchup between A Night Inside PARIS & Shake-Shake-Shake Your Booty which saw the teams tied at 6 before the Inside PARIS squad pulled away (Not "out") for the "W". Elsewhere it was Lipper hitting a "walk-off" deuce (looked like it swished in from my pavilion angle) for an 11-9 Raw Skank Redemption victory over Das Boot.

The Stink'in Losers switched courts for Round 2 and Pat's Steaks GUARANTEED a Win for Das Boot, but just like Nazis--they went down Inside PARIS (& the Russians Bombed Pearl Harbor per Belushi) as PARIS Hilton's ex-boyfriend (per the HHI Tabloids) Adam Bomb scored 9 & Heck had 20 assists per his calculation. On the flip side, it was Raw Skank Redemption defeating Shake Your Booty 11-10 on a Coach shot inside the 2-point line.

So this set-up Raw Skank Redemption vs. A Night Inside PARIS in an All-Hilton Daily Championship Round, while on the QUICK side of the bracket--it was Das Boot vs. Shake Your Booty. QUICK was gone by then, but he would have been proud of the instant stink'in losers classic which saw Shake Your Booty defeat Das Boot for the Black Boot (although they would have preferred the Little Brown Jug or Paul Bunyan's Ax). The Viva Las Vegas (where I'll be next Saturday) Oddmakers picked Inside PARIS for the D.C., but it was Raw Skank Redemption prevailing as Coach hit 3 deuces. Note that Captain Heck kept screaming at his PARIS team to "recognize shooters", but Coach had one of those fake nose/mustache/glasses disguises.

So on a picturesque day, they had to play an Iron Man Finale (IMF) with the D.C.-winning Raw Skank Redemption joining forces with winless Das Boot to form Das Skank vs. PARIS' Booty. Although Lip hadn't yet felt de-feat, he did have to leave this game due to pain in de-feet. This left Das Skank vulnerable on "De" and PARIS' Booty Shook-Shook-Shook all the way to a 15-7 IMF Title.

HHI DRAFT LOTTERY

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

This is the historic 100th Report in this HHI BLOG Series and it starts with a reminder to check your email on Friday night/Saturday morning for HHI schedule changes. The HHI Founding Fathers & Director of Indoor Basketball (DIB) made a decision last night in the midst of the thunderstorm downpour to switch today's games to Ozzies. The decision was made after Swoop advised that it was "raining like cats & dogs and he just stepped on a poodle" (Nick Joke: arh-arh-arh). Fortunately a crazy 8 players read their Friday night schedule change email, but unfortunately several others didn't & ended up at Da Hills which was surprisely dry per my sources.

So the Ozzies Eight were split-up by today's Captains Steve-Roller What the Heck & Stay-Puff Marsh-mellow Man as follows:
* Heck Industries (manufacturer of bevelers, nibblers, hole cutters, deburring equipment, and mag drills) = Swoop, Iron Mike, Mighty Kerr & What the Heck
* Blue Marsh (inexplicably in the White jerseys) = E-Marsh, Diggetty Doug Bales (back in action after a stress fracture to his arm), Bank'in Bow-Bow-Bowers, and Your Athletic Supporter--Jack Strap

In Game #1, Marsh was doing his best impression of Lebron James that a skinny white guy could in leading Blue Marsh to a hard fought victory. In the post-game, Swoop described the game as "ugly" while I saw it as a "thing of beauty" with the contrast of opinions kind of like that "Shallow Hal" movie.

Heck Industries came back strong in Game #2 as their Co. Chairman of the Bored (yea, I spelled it like that on purpose)--What the Heck did an even better imitation of Lebron in leading his squad to the win. In the post-game, I described the game as "ugly" while Heck Industries' Swoop missed his setup cue and also called it "ugly".

At first Game #3 was for the Daily Championship, but the stakes got higher when "The EX" Smoker Bob & Sheriff Hacker Notorious B.I.G. Biggy-Small Sponge Bob Square Little Yao Pants showed up from Da Hills. It was then decided the winner would get the D.C., but the loser wouldn't be so stink'in when they got the 1st pick in the HHI DRAFT LOTTERY. Things were complicated further when Hacker Bob got tired of waiting & stormed out with "better things to do", and somebody told me he had an offer in hand from the European League but I dug into that further & found it was actually the "You're a Pee'in" League. So Heck Industries prevailed for the D.C., but bigger than that--Blue Marsh won the HHI DRAFT LOTTERY.

Before the Iron Man Finale (IMF) Title game, Blue Marsh used all of their HHI DRAFT LOTTERY clock in deciding between "the rights to Hacker Bob" who wasn't there or EX-Smoker Bob who was there {Jeopardy Music}?? It was a tough choice, but it paid off in the short-term as a zestfully fresh EX-Smoker Bob led Blue Marsh to the IMF Title. But time will tell regarding who got the best out of this HHI DRAFT LOTTERY If What the Heck can sign Hacker Bob to a lifetime deal.