RED EYE TO DEAD EYE JEDI

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Not since Becks & Posh Spice arrived has there been such an anticipated arrival from Europe as HHI's Paul/Mike "Bank'in" Bowers who arrived last night on a RED EYE flight from Italy. Unlike Bend'em, Bank'in ignored the jet-lag & came right out to play Hoops @ Da Hills. Meanwhile Magnum was car-lagged from a traffic infested George Mason University visit yesterday & was standing by with Heck for Da Hills Court Report at the Leesport International Carport-Magnum Exiting Schuykill Valley High School (LIC ME SVHS). With Da Hills pretty dry, Magnum/Heck took off from LIC ME SVHS while the games began with these squads:
* King of Steaks = Captain Pat, DJ Jazzy Jones, Mighty Kerr, Iron Mike, Everybody Knows Joey, and Sheriff Hacker Notorious B.I.G. Biggy Smalls Sponge Bob Square Little Yao Pants
* King Tut = Captain Steve "Martin" Swoop, RED EYE Bank'in Bowers, Diggetty Doug Bales, Stay-Puff March-mellow Man, and Your Athletic Supporter

We'll get to the games, but first let's have a Sing-Along Without Mitch of the SNL Steve Martin Classic--King Tut:
King Tut (King Tut)
Now when he was a young man,
He never thought he'd see
People stand in line to see the boy king.

(King Tut) How'd you get so funky?
(Funky Tut) Did you do the Monkey?
Born in Arizona,
Moved to Babylonia (King Tut).

(King Tut) Now, if I'd known
They'd line up just to see him,
I'd trade in all my money
And buy me a museum. (King Tut)

Buried with a donkey (funky Tut)
He's my favorite honky
Born in Arizona,
Moved to Babylonia (King Tut)

Dancin' by the Nile, (Disco Tut)
The ladies love his style (boss Tut)
Rockin' for a mile (rockin' Tut)
He ate a crocodile.

He gave his life for tourism.
Golden idol
He's an Egyptian
They're sellin' you.

Now, when I die,
Now don't think I'm a nut,
Don't want no fancy funeral,
Just one like ole king Tut (King Tut)

He coulda won a Grammy,
Buried in his jammies,
Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia,
He was born in Arizona, got a condo made of stone-a,
King Tut

Hope you had as much fun singing along as the King Tutters had in Game 1 as they were clicking on all cylinders while taking a 12-3 lead, but then the King of Steaks' DJ Jazzy Jones (out of the shadow of brother-in-law EX-Smoker Bob) started playing like your favorite honkey--Funky DJ, but but it was not enough as King Tut finally prevailed by 15-11.

Heck & Magnum then arrived and were supplemental-patient drafted by King of Steaks & King Tut respectively for Game #2. What The provided King of Steaks a spark including a memorable Hacker-to-Hecker alley oop play. It was pretty close, but the King of Steaks emerged victorious to tie the series.

So it came down to a sweaty Game #3 to decide it with King of Steaks taking a 9-7 lead before Bank'in gave Swoop the rights to his top of the key Bank-in-Deuce to tie it. Then RED EYE Bowers made a JEDI-like drive to give King Tut the lead and next RED EYE went DEAD EYE with a Deuce and King Tut never looked back in seizing the RED EYE TO DEAD EYE JEDI Daily Championship.

THE BOY IS BACK IN TOWN

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

As I was heading to my car post HHI, I had my story line already done: THE BOY IS BACK IN TOWN relating to Caddy's return to Da Hills. Then I started the car & super freakily playing was Thin Lizzy's hit "THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN" including that line "then that chick got up and she slapped Johnny's face". HHI's parody version "then Magnum jumped up and he slapped Caddy's arm".

Today Caddyshack Steve extended his HHI record for most Comebacks (he also leads in Farewells) as he was BACK IN TOWN for a Golf Tourney (where was he for our RfL Golf Outing) with his Dad. Caddy is no longer a BOY as he has turned 30, although still young enough to be Magnum or Iron's son. He's now living in Jacksonville, NC and here's what he told me about it:
Jacksonville is the commercial hub of Onslow County and home to Marine Corps Base Camp Lejeune and Marine Corps Air Station New River .

Some 72,254 people make the city their home. The once quiet farming community has grown into the business, retail, medical, banking and cultural center for Onslow County.

In 1992, Jacksonville was named an All-America City by the National Civic League.

Caddy is now working for the Department of Defense which is ironic as he was never known for that in his many HHI days--Dept. of Travel would have been my guess. He would like to get into the FBI and if he hurries he can join their investigation of that NBA referee who allegedly bet on games. Relating to that, HHI looks pretty smart now with our ref-less approach.

Anyway, there were hoops today with these 4x4/5x2 franchises:
* Billy Ball (anybody watching ESPN's new series "The Bronx is Burning"?) = Coach Billy, Hoooo Shot JR, Pat's Steaks, and DJ Jazzy Jones
* Athletic Supporters = Captain Jack (will get you high tonight) Strap, Magnum, DD Bales (who was 1st to arrive today), and Knee Scab Phil
* First National Bank'in = Captain Bowers, Swoop, Scholesinator, Radon Rader, and the late arriving Everybody Knows Joey
* US Savings Bonds = Captain Gary US Bonds, Caddy THE BOY IS BACK IN TOWN, Iron Mike, and Mighty Kerr
* The Rover = Who Killed Kenny

Round 1 saw Billy Ball nipping Your Athletic Supporters on a JR Hoooo Shot while I heard First National Bank'in's Scholesy was as hot as the Dow Jones Industrials were on Thursday as their Stocks defeated US Bonds.

As always the Stink'in Losers switched courts for Round 2 and the change of scenery helped US Savings Bonds as they defeated Billy Ball on an alley oop play to THE BOY IS BACK IN TOWN Caddy. It also helped Your Athletic Supporters grind out an 11-10 win over First National Bank'in as Magnum hit the game-winner that evened all teams at 1-1.

A good joke is in order before we get to the Daily Championship. You may have heard that the US Senate made like college kids and pulled an all-nighter this week. Unless you were watching C-Span at 4am (anybody?) then you probably missed Hillary Clinton's speech which was her 1st at 4am that didn't begin with "Where the Hell have you been?!?!?!". {Laugh Track}

THE BOY IS BACK IN TOWN Daily Championship Round first saw a game totally lacking in defense (kinda sorta like the NBA All Star Game) as First National Bank'in forced Billy Ball into Bankruptcy. As that game finished, Your Athletic Supporters & US Savings Bonds were tied at 3 in a game totally lacking in offense. Those teams traded leads back-and-forth until finally (& I mean finally) it was 10-10 when Magnum hit a baseline "bam" shot to give Your Athletic Supporters the Daily Championship via the head-to-head tie-breaker vs. First National Bank'in.

Although THE BOY IS BACK IN TOWN Caddy wasn't able to capture a DC for a triumphant HHI return, he may have gotten a little bit of a tan playing "caucasian white" as the Dept. of Defense evidently doesn't let him see the light of day. Relating to that, when Caddy fell on his back--Radon Rader quipped "he's just trying to scratch his back, so it's looks like a tan". You don't get laughs like that in Jacksonville NC which is why THE BOY WAS BACK IN TOWN.

DAILY CHAMPION(S)

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

I was surprised to see Hoooo Shot JR warming up when I arrived @ Da Hills this AM as he returned ahead of schedule from his "screw in wrenched ankle" Operation (from MB). This led some (not me) to question why Quick Mike was taking so long to return from his injury since everybody knows the foot bone is connected to the ankle bone. I think that Quick has wisely used his time away from HHI to further his career as CarTech just promoted him as production soared when he started threatening his guys with a "black boot up their assses" (with an extra 's' to fool the Corporate computer filters). Bales was also out of action with his asss still recovering from his RfL-Hooters Wing Bowl DAILY CHAMPION performance, although he did stop by with the hot sauce still on his chin. Also driving by to call a late foul on Magnum ("that was clean") was Free Ride Todd.

Yes, there was some basketball (and I use that term loosely) today as the Founding Fathers--Swoop & Your Athletic Supporter created these virtual franchises:
* Politically Incorrects (PI's) = Captain Swoop, What the Heck, Hoooo Shot JR, Knee Scab Phil, Who Killed Kenny, and DJ Jazzy Jones
* Paragons Of Virtue (POV's) = Captain Jack Strap, Magnum Mike, Stay-Puff Marsh-mellow Man, Iron Mike, Bank'in Bowers, and EX-Smoker Bob
* 13th Man Rover = Pat's Steaks

Game 1 saw the POV's (with Pat) playing pretty well and taking a nice lead, only to almost squander it in classic HHI fashion. But they steadied themselves at the end & prevailed 15-13.

Thus the PI's (with Pat) had their backs up against the proverbial wall in Game 2 and got serious without all the off-color politically incorrect jokes (e.g. did you hear the Hooters Girls have formed a Union backed by the "Boobsters") & also with some better defense. But the Paragons made their move late & were on the verge of becoming DAILY CHAMPIONS when JR "screwed" them with a PI 15-14 game-winning deuce.

So it was on to Game #3 of the DAILY CHAMPION Series Finale with the squads knotted at 1-1, while Pat was 2-0 and returning to the POV's. It was close early, but then the "explosive" Paragons went on a run to take a commanding 10-5 lead, only to see the "ebullient" Incorrects comeback strong to tie it at 10. So it went back-and-forth including Your POV hitting a deuce for a 12-11 lead which was answered by a Heck PI bomb to make it 13-12. Then due to early departures (unlike the Airlines), Pat's Steaks was traded back to the PI's just in time to see DJ nail the DAILY CHAMPIONS winning deuce which also made 3-0 Pat the DAILY CHAMPION.

RfL GOLF OUTING - From Pre-Game to Post-Game

By Your Relay for Life (RfL) GOLF OUTING Supporter, Jack Strap

An event like the RfL (Relay for Life) GOLF OUTING (organized by our Golf Commissioner--Old School Bruce) cannot possibly be confined to the 18 holes of scramble GOLF that ensued today--it is much more than that. This year's event started early with some entertaining Pre-Game trash talk as follows:
From Diggetty Doug Bales of The Defending Champions
My bookie has made the defending champions a 2-1 favorite with the Duffers next at 5-1 and Tiger Wanna Bees and Hackers coming in at 10-1.

The only question is - if heat and injuries can keep the Champions from winning by at least three strokes.

If the Hackers had one more half-decent "Hacker" they would drop to 5-1 or even better. Who out there wants a shot at the coveted HHI title? You can count on one hand the people with HHI titles. Reitzy & Bails for Poker, and Iron Mike, Quick Mike, Lipper and Bails (again) in golf. Who else would like there name etched on the back of the backboards at Da Hills court ?
From F'In Ross of The Duffers
As the silent partner and co-owner of the Duffers….and on behalf of the entire Duffer team, the Duffers are offering a challenge, since we are some kind of underdog. The challenge is offered to all teams, but especially to the defending chumps. $10 per person ($40 per team). The team that wins collects all of the cash pot. The winning team then contributes half of its winnings to the Relay for Life Team Charity. The winning team then splits the remainder among its members. And, the winning team is treated to lunch and drinks by all of the LOSERS.
Who has the nuggets for that challenge?
From Quick Mike of The Defending Champions
I would agree to any of that except there would have to be designated officials tagging along with all the teams and possibly even one extra to go along in the same cart as “Fn” Ross to monitor his “fair play”! Without the extra officiating I would highly refrain from wagering additional funds!
From Chucky Boy of The Duffers
I'll be there to watch his every move. Don't worry, I will keep it fair. You have nothing to worry about.

Ross, have you predetermined the amount of strokes we will win by yet? Also, will you be using the old Waterford scoring model to confuse the other players? Lastly, I have obtained the drugs to mix in Glenn's drink to knock him out for a few hours while we hit for him. We can take turns propping him up in the cart.
From F'In Ross of The Duffers
Great Plan about Glenn. However, he did contribute a handful of terrific shots last year, as well as some comic relief – he is very versatile.

As for the number of strokes we will win by – I would rather not get cocky at this point. It is better to let our play do the talking. (However, I did hear that the Vegas over/under for the Duffer margin of victory is 3.)

But, I’m not saying anything that would inspire our fellow gamers.
From DJ Jazzy Jones of The Hackers
Where is the love for The Hackers. I feel we are very under estimated. We have the benefit of someone hitting 2 putts on each hole for the birdie or eagle. That person will make the putt 1 out of 2 times. Golfers know that when they miss a putt and then drop a ball and try it again, that putt goes in. So, I think we are going to take down the champs.
From The Tiger Wanna Be's
Nothing. Nada. No Comment.

There was a good RfL (Relay for Life) turnout for Breakfast at The Wyomissing Family Restaurant which featured a special guest appearance by none other than--HHI Commissioner Emeritus Collin. Ross & Chuck would have been there if TCFL Stink'in Loser Reitzy would have been buying, but that was deferred until the morning of September 14 before departure for the PSU Road Trip. DD Bales wasn't there as he told Quick Mike "Breakfast isn't my thing", and whoever said Bales never met a meal he didn't like was evidently wrong. Besides breakfast being the most important meal of the day (as they say), it was also a time today for a "stack the half & halfs" contest between Collin & Swoop, as well as a "thought provoking" discussion of "ketchup or syrup on your scrapple" (Magnum said he goes both ways).

After Breakfast, it was off to Willow Hollow. I followed Radon Rader on the back roads as "The Highway to Hell" fittingly played in my Hybrid. Upon arrival, Your RfL Supporter pulled out the traditional TCFL football golf ball for Pre-Game putting practice & promptly nailed an "Eagle" putt. Soon it was time to tee off with these RfL GOLF OUTING Teams:
* The Tiger Wanna Be's = Captain Old School, Knee Scab Phil, Swoop & Magnum
* The Duffers = Captain Ross, Holiday Bill Ruth, "Bubbles" Barbera & Your GOLF OUTING Supporter
* The Hackers = Captain DJ Jazzy Jones, Sheriff Hacker Notorious B.I.G. Biggy Smalls Sponge Bob Little Yao Pants, Radon Rader & all of the above for 2nd shots as we could never sign that 16th Golfer
* The Defending Champions (Boo! Boo! Boo!) = Captain Quick "No Black Book" Mike, Lipper, Iron Mike & DD Bales

I won't bore you with all the Golf, but here's some things I remember from The Duffers perspective:
* Holiday Bill Ruth nailed some putts "for dough" early on, but his best moment was when the blade of his 3 Iron inexplicably flew off & into the swampland on #6
* Chuck hit some real nice shots later after Ross Motivatingly (is that a word?) Chided (I like that word) Chucky for not contributing earlier
* #1 Quote from our Team was "OK Ross, it's up to you"
* As Director Of Cart Security (DOCS), my main job was to stop Ross from unhooking our bags, but while focused on that--got unhooked by Swoop, Chuck, and DJ (who made a classic unhook move)
* Alotta Laughs

As for the RfL GOLF OUTING final scores, The Tiger Wanna Be's were just that--Wanna Be's, as they finished last at (-3). My Duffers made a bad strategic move in not taking my final drive at #17, which was better than my behind the trees shot on #18 that led to a bogey that dropped us to (-3) also. A string of birdies on the Back Nine (after Hacker Bob bought DJ & Rader lunch) propelled The Hackers to a (-5). But once again it was The Defending Champions winning with a (-6). Other notables included Iron Mike's "Closest to the Pin" and Hacker Bob's "Longest Drive" (beating Bruce by a few feet).

Almost everyone then went to the 19th Hole RfL GOLF OUTING Post-Game at Hooters because we heard the food was really good there. And the food was really good there (that's my story & I'm sticking to it) including Fried Pickles, Pulled Pork, Cheese Steaks, Chicken, Breasts (freudian slip), Wings, and Hot Wings. As for the latter, Bales impressive eating display demonstrated that he has replaced Breakfast with a meal he calls "Hot Wings". Quotable: The Hackers' Captain DJ said he thought Rader would suck, but was pleasantly surprised by Radon's play & I think he also said that Hacker Bob was like a Father to him, it was either that or he told Bruce to not put that Mother on my team next year?

Outside afterwards, a half-dozen of us waited at the sign "Hooters To Go" just to see what would happen and we did see the Hooter Girls marching towards us, but it turned out they were heading in for the dinner shift and thus weren't "To Go". I hate to say this, but probably for the best at our advanced ages.

So another awesome job with this RfL GOLF OUTING by Old School Bruce & I think we raised like $150 for the Relay for Life while having a great time.

LUCKY 7/7/07

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

While the superstitious flocked to the casinos this LUCKY 7/7/07, HHI was betting on another 7-on-7 game on 7/7/07--either that or Tupac Shakur will return from his faked death (if not Tupac, then Elvis or Jim Morrison or Stone Cold Don). But we got LUCKY on 7/7/07 with 18 Hoopsters dividing up into these virtual franchises:
* Ramblin Wreck of What the Heck = Captain Steve-Roller, Swoop, Iron Mike, and The Mighty Kerr
* Magnum Forceful = Captain Mag, Scholesinator, Bank'in Bowers, Sheriff Hacker Notorious B.I.G. Biggy Smalls Sponge Bob Little Yao Pants, and Your Athletic Supporter
* Lip-Tumbos = Captain Giant Lipper, Stay-puff Marsh-mellow Man, Who Killed Kenny JR, and Coach Bill
* The Grapes of Vath = Captain "The Question" I-Vath-son, EX-Smoker Bob, Who Killed Kenny SR, and Pat's Steaks
* 18th Man = Roving Radon Rader (Triple R)

Round 1 of the Round Round Robin goes Hacker Bob Bob Bob'in Along 4x4/5x2 simultaneous courts' relay Tournament's 1st done was the Ramblin Wreck's What the Heck-led 11-4 whooping of The Grapes of Vath. Magnum Forceful was also opening up the proverbial can on Lip-Tumbos, before a late Lip run atleast made it slightly interesting.

Round 2 started with Rader signing as a free agent with The Grapes of Vath and although to the untrained eye it didn't look like he did much, I clearly saw that he was the sniffing glue holding The Grapes of Vath together as they outshot Magnum Forceful. Meanwhile the Ramblin Wreck was Steve-Rollering their way to another win vs. Lip-Tumbos.

On to Round 3 and Radon Rader Roving to play against Magnum Forceful yet again and for the demanding What the Heck. Rader did have one lapse on "D" (which Heck will admonish him on again during film study), but he also made a key steal & fastbreak layup to help the Ramblin Wreck improve to 3-0. On the 0-3 flip side, there was no sex for the Lip-tumbos as they were frustrated by the Grapes of Vath.

The LUCKY 7/7/07 Championship Round featured Round 1 Rematches. First in the Stink'in Losers Bracket it was Magnum Forceful again prevailing over Rader & the winless Lip-Tumbos. So in the final standings, Rader & Magnum Forceful tied at 2-2 and you know what they say "a tie is like kissing your sister" which isn't LUCKY on 7/7/07 unless you're from the Deep South (where Caddy lives & Al Vath is also moving to GA next Summer). Speaking of Vath--in the LUCKY 7/7/07 Daily Championship (D.C.) game, his Grapes (to be renamed the Peaches of Vath when he relocates) survived the Great Depression (literary pun intended) of an opening game loss & came back with great intestinal fortitude to defeat the Ramblin Wreck to even both squads at 3-1, thus the D.C. is a push until next Saturday.

But on a LUCKY 7/7/07, HHI wasn't done as (10) Iron Men played on for the Finale (IMF) Title. It was "Winless" Marsh, Kenny JR (a.k.a. Eric), Lipper & Coach picking up Scholesy vs. EX-Smoker, Pat, Kenny SR (a.k.a. Who Killed Kenny), Vath & yours truly. The "Winless" jumped to a huge lead as they wanted this one very badly (e.g. Coach violated IMF etiquette when he "hammered" EX-Smoker on a layup even though the "Winless" had a 10 point lead) and they coasted to victory led by the mercurial Marsh.

DA COURT OF DA YEAR

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Big News this week in the Reading Eagle's Voices section as Wyomissing Hills was named "The Pool of the Week" led by Pool Commissioner Nick Wojo-Mojo. And this is true because you're reading it on the Internet, the National Association of COURTS (NAC) recently named DA Hills "DA COURT OF DA YEAR" and Commissioner Jerry Wojo-Mojo was there in Intercourse (i.e. the town in Lancaster) to accept that prestigious award. Meanwhile, EX-Smoker Bob & Your Athletic Supporter were at DA COURT OF DA YEAR picking teams for an Independence Day Special as follows:
* Smoker's Tokers = Captain EX-Smoker Toker Bob (purely for medicinal reasons), Iron Mike, Swoop, Who Killed Kenny, Magnum, Mighty Kerr, and Sheriff Hacker Notorious B.I.G. Biggy Smalls Sponge Bob Little Yao Pants
* Miller's DA Hillers = Captain Miller Madness (aka Jack Strap), Radon Rader, Pat's Steaks, Coach Bill, What the Heck, DD Bails, and the long awaited return of the Energizer Boni (playing in a stylish button down shirt)

As the puddles were being swept away by the HHI Staff (most notably Coach & Bales), EX-Smoker announced that he wants HHI to enter a float in next year's (Old) Wyomissing Parade (for some reason this made me think of the parade finale scene from Animal House). That being done & said, we were ready for some Hoops on DA COURT OF DA YEAR. Game 1 was kinda played in slow motion as DA COURT was slick and the play wasn't, but it was competitive and the squads battled neck-and-neck (and elbow-for-elbow) to the bitter sweet (depending on which team you were on) end where Wyomissing Parade Promoter & Grand Marshall Poobah EX-Smoker Bob hit a deuce for a 15-14 Tokers win.

Game 2 saw Smoker's Tokers jump to a 10-5 lead as Miller's DA Hillers were Out of Sync which I guess is better than being in the Boy Band--In Sync. But then "Backside" Bob (Magnum's pet name for him) took his Tokers stash & left for the Parade and that's when DA Hillers made their move. Their move didn't stop until the Happy 4th of July squads were tied at 14. but then Swoop ruined DA Hillers party by Swooping in a bucket for Smoker's Tokers Independence Day Daily Championship (ID2C).

That just left the Iron Man Finale (IMF) with the courts pretty dry by then which allowed Miller's DA Hillers to unleash their team speed (not running speed, but amphetamines for medicinal purposes). In what the National Athletes in Finales Today Assocation (NAFTA) has just rubba-dub dubbed one of the greatest IMF games of all time, DA Hillers took home the coveted IMF Title.

In news of the other NAFTA, "Holiday" Bill Ruth was uncharacteristically missing today because his Glenside Plant was working (taking off Friday instead) and his big problem was trying to figure out how to get a July 4th rush shipment into Canada even with the North American Free Trade Agreement. Anybody who can help with that today (noting FedEx appears to be celebrating the holiday), call Holiday Bill @ 610-207-7690.