ILLUSION SHATTERED

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

For years my "younger" brother Jay from Illinois (note the "s" is silent) has been on the HHI distribution reading about the high level of play & exploits of the Hills Hoopsters. This Black Friday @ Ozzies the ILLUSION created by Jack "Copperfield" Strap was SHATTERED when Jay made his HHI debut. His twin daughters (Carly & Haley) were also there to witness this momentous event and they even got a chance to shoot around with the HHIers between games (I'm sure that was a "thrill"). JayBird was selected as a Tri-Captain along with our other out-of-town "special guests" from HHI past: Caddyshack Steve & Scott the Shot.

Tri-Captain Caddy is now living in Washington D.C. & working for the FBI--that's right, the Federal Bureau of Investigation. He showed me his ID badge & it looked more official than my Dr. Evil ID that I always use on Penn State weekends. I'm not sure if he does a lot of traveling (pun intended) with the FBI because if he told me too much, then he'd have to kill me. What I could ascertain from my extensive research utilizing records available via the U.S. Freedom of Information Act is that Steven Blaum (a.k.a. Caddyshack Steve) is an FBI Personnel Psychologist working in the Office of the Director. The FBI Director is Robert S. Mueller III, but I assume Caddy takes most of his "secret" direction from Dick Cheney (pictured below) just like George W. Bush does.
Tri-Captain Scott the Shot was back to visit HHI from the windy city of Chicago, which is not too far from where Brother Jay lives near University of Illinois (made famous in 1983 by Tom Cruise in "Risky Business"). Scott has been out of hoops action for about a month during treatments for skin cancer which he noted were successful and we were happy that he could make his return to the court with HHI today.

Scott was also heard giving job relocation advise to "Holiday" Bill Ruth who has recently accepted a very good R&D management position with PPG in Strongsville, Ohio (near Cleveland which was made famous by the 1989 movie "Major League"). Our Best Wishes to Bill and we hope he'll return to HHI for "Holiday" games while visiting the area which means we'll see him at HHI about as much as we have in the past.

Pat's Steaks also returned after a hiatus coaching his son who won a "Punt, Pass & Kick" contest. After hearing that, I quickly started "recruiting" him for Wilson and Pat said he learned from the Connor Magnum transfer experience, so he'll make his move when he's a 7th grader. Speaking of lovable youngsters, Commissioner Collin was back today giving Quick Mike the "kiss my butt" sign after which Quick tried to call Collin's grandmother to "throw him under the bus", but accidentally dialed Swoop who he woke up on the West coast (that's good stuff).

Oh yea, almost forgot about the "ILLUSION SHATTERING" basketball. In the foul shooting contest to determine which of the (3) Teams played in Game #1--Brother JayBird calmly sunk his 1st shot, but the ILLUSION started SHATTERING when Caddy followed that up with an air-airball (just calling it an air-ball doesn't properly describe it) and then The Shot & Caddy proceeded to match each other: miss per ugly miss. With the Copperfield ILLUSION already SHATTERED, Scott finally made a Shot so it was the Jay-Birds vs. Scott's Shots in Game#1. This game saw The Shots take an 8-4 lead before they went as cold as the aforementioned foul shooting and the Jay-Birds (including Captain Jay, Alan the Question I-Vath-son, Quick Mike, Floor Burn Phil, and Yours Truly) took advantage for the 9-8 win which unfortunately was their only win of the Tournament.

Although all the Teams finished Round 1 at 1-1, the Daily Championship ultimately came down to Caddy's Shackers (i.e. Captain Caddy, What the Heck, Scholesinator, Pat's Steaks, Bank'in Bowers, and Old School Bruce) vs. Scott's Shots (i.e. Captain Shot, "Holiday" Bill Ruth, Magnum Mike, Iron Mike, and Mighty Kerr). I thought Scott's Shots had the Daily Championship won but at the end, they made like Linda Lovelace & blew it allowing Caddy to take the D.C. back to Dick Cheney in D.C. which will maybe take the above scowl off his face.

In the Iron Man Finale (IMF), the shooting of Iron Mike & What the Heck led their squad including Scott the Shot, JayBird, and Jack Strap to the IMF Title over Scholesy, "Holiday" Bill Ruth, Pat's Steaks, Al Vath (who had a female CIA Agent in his Wedding party) and Caddy who asked us not to tell Dick Cheney.

HHI returns to action tomorrow @ 8am @ Ozzies, although now that the ILLUSION is SHATTERED I won't be there, but rather will be up at the Wilson vs. Harrisburg district playoff game.

BUCA BUCA BUCA!!!!

By Your Culinary Supporter, Jack Strap
From November 10

The BUCA Pope Room was as loud & raucous as it's ever been
last night as the PSU/TCFL/HHI Contingent (& their
wenches--I mean "better halves") ascended upon it with
Italian-like passion.  This was either our 2nd or 3rd
BUCA Dinner depending on whose memory you want to trust
after many years at The Brewery Inn before that
neighborhood became The Hood and the food wasn't quite
good enough to risk our lives.

The evening started with Commissioner-Emeritus Collin
& Old School Bruce greeting the Contingent before they
had to depart as the Commish is in demand.  There were
16 in attendance at BUCA (or 18 if you go with
PO-letti's New Math) and our Co-Waiter Tony had a lot
of problems getting the right number of seats set-up to
get things started (after that he was "Dead to us").
Thankfully our other Co-Waiter Phil "The Refill" showed
up to pacify us with some drinks & became the crowd
favorite.

Since Poletti was the last to arrive, we put him in the
Big Seat which he took as the King's Seat and started
ordering for the group before Quick shouted "who put you
in charge you guinea bastard", which set the tone for the
evening.  It was anarchy after that, but eventually
everyone got enough food & drink (& salt) they wanted to
be satisfied.  Not even Da Pope staring at the "sinners"
(and you know who you are) could restore order to the event.

At the end, we used up all our alloted BUCA Pope Room time
as "King" PO-letti went thru multiple iterations of
collecting enough money (or De Monet) to pay the bill &
give Phil (but Not Tony) a tip.  If we remember (possible,
but not a sure thing)--we'll schedule another BUCA Pope Room
event next year.

SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

There is SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT this week as HHI officially started their winter season inside @ Ozzies. But the lead story is the Return of HHI Hall of Famers: Commissioner Emeritus Collin & Old School Bruce. They have been following along with the HHI stories and were concerned about the drop in HHI attendance & the increase in the PUP list (those Physically Unable to Perform, even with viagra). The Commish was in rare practical joker form setting up skateboard traps that tripped up Bales, Heck, and Quick Mike although the "athleticism" of yours truly allowed me to avoid a pratfall. Old School who had Retired from HHI on May 13, 2006 (see that story OLD SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER........ in the archives of this HHI BLOG) has a small print clause in his HHI retirement contract that said if he returns that he could take enough shots to make up for all the games he missed. Although this was physically impossible, Old School gave it his best shot (pun intended).

SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT and we'll get to the basketball eventually but 1st a funny Bales story who returned from the HHI PUP list after a night of passion with Angelina Jolie & that's not even the funniest story. First off Bales screwed up & raised a daughter who is going to (Shit on) Pitt, so he's moving her in a few months back & thinks it's his lucky day as just as he shows up--the best parking spot opens up. Only to be "greeted" by a Pitt Police Officer who tells him he can't park there. Bales tries to reason with him "how about that other guy who was in that spot?", but the Copper makes him move. Now Bales is trudging along from blocks away trying to carry as much move-in stuff as a guy with size 5 feet can manage, when he finally gets back to where the parking spot is & it's filled. He sees the Pitt Officer and frustratingly exclaims "why the f... (expletive deleted) did you let that guy park there?". Officer's reply: "because he's not wearing a Bengals hat" as they take their Steelers football very seriously in Pittsburgh.

SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT and in the Career Moves category--after 25 years, Giant Lipper is taking his CPA & moving from Reinsel Kunts Lusher to Herbein & Co. Said Lip (& excuse me if I misquote him), "Reinsel is a terrible place for a Relay for Life car wash fund-raiser & no longer a good place to work". Best of Luck Lip.

SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT and just a few more things before we get to the Hoops (which will be just as entertaining--well almost) as Steve Roller What the Heck returned from his Offensive Coordinator position at Central Catholic who made the playoffs. When this reporter noted that C.C. threw the most passes in the County--Heck quickly pointed out that most people (me included) don't realize how balanced his play-calling was. Speaking of play calling, Magnum is a Closet Offensive Coordinator (COC) as he pointed out some weaknesses in York's defensive alignment to me. Thankfully the Wilson Coaches noticed them also & exploited them for some big plays in the Bulldogs big win (Note that Magnum, Mrs. Magnum & I were prominently shown in a "Big Ticket" crowd shot). Mifflin was also victorious in the Quad AAAA playoffs & Scholesy will be upset if I don't mention Daniel Boone's really nice playoff win. In addition--Good luck today to the Muhlenburg Mighty Muhls vs. power house #1 seed Harrisburg on the road (winner to face Wilson).

SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT so guess it's finally time for this AM's games with Giant Lipper & Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap selected as The Captains & picking using Lip's patented methodology: "Who Don't You Want?" which in essence means he picked my team & me his. Here's what we ended up with for this Classic HHI Match-Up if you're scoring this at home:
* The Paragons of Virtue = Diggetty Doug Bales, Energizer Boni, Old School Bruce, Floor Burn Phil, What the Heck & Captain Jack "Will Get You High Tonight" Strap
* The Voices of Reason = Sheriff Hacker Sponge Bob Square Pants, Mighty Kerr, Iron Mike, Gary US Bonds, Quick Mike (i.e. as always, the last picked) & Captain Lip

SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT from Game#1, but there's only so many bytes of BLOG space. This game saw Old School wearing #3 and jacking it up per his HHI contract like that other #3 Alan "The Answer" Iverson and/or Scott the Shot, but he didn't shoot a bad % for a guy who hasn't played since May 13, 2006 and his biggest shot was his final one for the Paragons victory.

It was during Game 2 that Offensive Coordinator Heck pointed out that the Paragons were running Phil Jackson's Brokeback Mountain Offense which included penetration, kicking it back out, and then banging it home from long-range. Of course I never saw that movie so didn't know what he was talking about except that I benefited with some longer-range baskets including the Daily Championship-winning hoop for the POV's.

Iron Mike had seen Brokeback Mountain (see the November 4, 2006 "SURPRISE!!!" Story in this HHI BLOG's archives) & relatedly seemed distracted in Game #3 as his Voices of Reason were playing for pride. This was a closer game, but at the end F.B. Phil's back-door (Brokeback pun Not intended) cut basket gave the Paragons their 3rd straight win.

SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT but all that's now left is the Iron Man Finale (IMF), regarding which we decided the IMF Title is even more coveted than the Land Grant Trophy which is on-the-line today as Penn State takes on MSU in East Lansing. Despite their tiredness, ten (10) hoopsters sucked it up and put on a show. A show might be a slight exaggeration, but Swoop (who was a PUP but stopped over to play with The Commish) noted that the HHI action looked "pretty good". The Voices of Reason appeared to be on their way to the IMF Title before Jack Strap banged home a deuce & Heck banked in the game-winner for the Paragons of Virtue's Sweep.

They'll be even more TO WRITE ABOUT next week as HHI plans to be in action on both Black Friday (maybe outside If the weather permits or if not then In) & Saturday @ 8am @ Ozzies.

HHI's TRUE HILLYWOOD STORY

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Although HHI's PUP list of Physically Unable to Perform is long & growing (is that a paradox?), there were still (11) Hoopsters in action but we'll get to that after HHI's TRUE HILLYWOOD STORY. The word on the street as uncovered by HHI's TRUE HILLYWOOD STORY is that Bales is currently a PUP on & off the court, but the real shocker is Swoop who claimed to have hurt his right hand last Saturday @ Da Hills. Since nobody there could remember that, HHI's TRUE HILLYWOOD STORY investigated & uncovered this shocking story. After Iron Mike ran out of beer (likely due to Adam Bomb) last Saturday night, he saw a light on at the Poletti Brickhouse Hotel & dropped in for a cold one. What he allegedly saw through the window was disturbing, a Solo Swoop frantically trying to "perform" until (we assume) something popped in his right hand (another instance where a "left hand" could have helped). So that's it for this week's edition of HHI's TRUE HILLYWOOD STORY.

Ozzies welcomed HHI for the official beginning of the inside Winter Season with some inflatables, not unlike what you'd see at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade including one that looked like Magnum. Speaking of Magnum, last night he gave me a great play-by-play of Wilson blocking Altoona's last second field goal to hold on for a 7-6 Quad A Playoff win. Congrats also to Gov. Mifflin who rolled over the State College Little Lions (Your Athletic Supporter was there on the Penn State side sitting behind PSU WR Jordan Norwood's Mom as her younger son was playing) & to the Muhlenburg Mighty Muhls who had a great comeback win to advance. So that's it for Friday Night Lights, and let's get to the basketball action this AM.

Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son made his Ozzies debut & was selected as a Captain along with Gary US Bonds and they selected these virtual franchises:
* Al's Diamonds (in the Rough) = Captain Al Vath, DJ Jazzy Jones, Quick Mike, Floor Burn Phil, and Your Athletic Supporter
* Junk Yard Dogs (JYD's) = Captain Gary, EX-Smoker Bob (who noted that Smokeless Ben Dato is 2nd in the nation in Net Punting Avg), Iron Mike, Mighty Kerr, and Radon Rader (who leads the league in keys)
* 11th Man Rover = Energizer Boni

Game 1 saw Al's Diamonds dancing their way to a 15-4 fastbreak win. But the Junk Yard Dogs got "doubly mean" in the 2nd game as they doubled their points in a 15-8 loss as Al's Diamonds (in the Rough) captured the Daily Championship. Defense wins Championships and DJ showed that his "D" stands for "Defense", otherwise he'd be OJ and getting away with murder.

But the JYD's played Game 3 with Pride as they stood toe-to-toe with Al's as the squads came into the final seconds tied at 14 at which point for the 2nd straight week--Jack Strap went "high above the rim" for a game-winning tip-in. But the JYD's still had a chance to capture the Iron Man Finale (IMF) Title and their chances increased when Captain Al gathered up all his "luggage" (it appeared that he had slept over @ Ozzies) and left. The IMF was another close game, but at the end the Junk Yard Dogs' Iron Mike scored on a back-door cut to give them the HHI TRUE HILLYWOOD STORY IMF Title.

UNACCOUNTED FOR CADDY

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Please join me in welcoming Rachael Ray-don Rader (i.e. Triple R) to the HHI Network as she came Out-of-the-closet this week as a Fan of Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap. Now please join me in Outing an UNACCOUNTED FOR CADDY who left (15) Hoopsters waiting for him for a 4x4x2 simultaneous courts' relay. With CADDY UNACCOUNTED FOR--the last arriving Quick Mike, Gary US Bonds & LIFO (Last-In First-Out) Magnum selected these virtual franchises:
* El Kabongs (Quick Draw McGraw's alter-ego) = Captain Quick, Energizer Boni, DJ Jazzy Jones, Giant Lipper, and Yours Truly
* Big Head Bonds = Captain Gary US Bonds, Radon Rader (i.e. Triple R's 2nd favorite player behind Jack Strap), Iron Mike, Scholesinator, and Coach Bill
* Mag Lites = Captain Magnum, Swoop, Who Killed Kenny, Mighty Kerr, and Knee Scab Phil

The Opener saw El Kabongs kabonging the Mag Lites with Your Athletic Supporter capping the victory by swishing in a deuce. This brought Big Head Bonds on to the court and it looked like they had come from the Reid Boys' Drug Emporium as their performance was enhanced by (3) deuces to within a deuce of a victory before El Kabongs started played "smashing guitar over the head" Defense (see http://www.miniclip.com/toons/el-kabong/en/) to get back into it. But El Kabongs Offense went South like UNACCOUNTED FOR CADDY and Big Head Bonds held on for the win.

This left Big Head Bonds controlling their own Daily Championship (DC) destiny and El Kabongs cheering for the Mag Lites to light it up. But the Mag Lites batteries had very little (offensive) power, although Big Head Bonds performance enhancers appeared to have worn off also. So these teams put on a long, drawn-out show that only a Mother could love, although El Kabongs were happy when KS Phil hit a side shot to pull Mag Lites within a point @ 8-7 of having all teams tied at 1-1. But then Coach Bill ruined the El Kabongs party by hitting the DC-winning deuce.

With LIFO Magnum off to see the Wilson-Reading JV game starring HHI's Connor Magnum, this set-up a 7-on-7 Iron Man Finale (IMF). The supplemental draft saw El Kabongs adding Swoop & Kenny while Mighty & Phil went to Big Head Bonds (BHB). El Kabongs came out psyched up like it was Seniors Day (unlike PSU who just gave up a TD on the opening kick-off with tickets still available--call Swoop) and took the lead, although BHB did make a comeback sparked by a deuce by Radon Rader (Triple R begged me to write something about him & it took this long for him to give me anything to work with). But at the very end it was Yours Truly soaring "high above the rim" for a tip-in to give El Kabongs the IMF Title.