END OF AN ERA?

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

It was January 4, 2004 when Hills Hoops Inc. played their 1st games @ Ozzies and it has worked out so well there that it earned Magnum an HHI promotion to Director of Indoor Basketball (DIB). Today's Ozzies games almost 4 years later could represent the END OF AN ERA? Ozzies is installing turf on the basketball court to expand it's capabilities to multiple sports, although the door was left cracked open by Ozzies Gary who noted that the turf rolls on kind of like a wrestling mat, so maybe we could roll it off to play hoops each Saturday? We'll see but we're thinking there's a good chance it could be the END OF the Ozzies ERA, so we ask you to keep working on other indoor options (it could earn you an HHI promotion).

I guess because of all the emotion surrounding today's probable END OF AN ERA games, it was a little weird in there @ Ozzies. I observed Boni asking Quick to hold his hand & Magnum "encouraging" Scott to take his shirt off. Between games included vivid discussion of TV shows featuring Atlantic City Hookers & Pedophiles (I felt a little out of place having spent my recent TV time watching College Bowl Games).

Anyway, there were (9) Hoopsters in action today and all but Energizer Boni had been there for the Opening of Ozzies. So we'll use the same team names from January 4, 2004 just to keep the symmetry:
* Quick Draw McGraws = Quick Mike, Swoop, Diggetty Doug Bales & Your Athletic Supporter
* Iron Chefs = Iron Mike, Magnum, Mighty Kerr, and Scott the Shot
* 9th Man Rover = Energizer Boni

Game 1 saw the Quick Draws playing short-handed, but making up for that with hustle on defense and by effectively running D.D. Bales "finger pointing" offense. At the end, Diggetty Doug called his own number for the game-winning "Hey Bails" shot.

The Iron Chefs came back short-handed but determined in Game #2 as their proverbial backs were up against the wall in this Best of 3 Series of games to 15. But Quick Draw McGraw hung in there even though they didn't have Baba Looey (not to be confused with Baba Booey from the Howard Stern show), but but (the dreaded "double but") at the end the Iron Chefs found the secret ingredient for victory.

Although the Series was tied heading into the deciding Game 3, the "Karl" Roving Boni found himself winless but he was Energized for victory. And even though he was called for walking (on a call Caddy wouldn't have made) to negate a fast-break lay-up, Energizer Boni kept going & going & going.

This END OF AN ERA? Finale game was tied at 14 when Quick made a nifty feed to a seemingly wide open Bales for what looked like the game-winning lay-up, but then out of nowhere Boni energized to the rim for the "Hollywood Squares" Block (Note to Bales Only--I thought this sounded better than the alternate ending) and then for the Win--Scott finally found a way to get a Shot to go in for the Iron Chefs "END OF AN ERA?" Daily Championship

So stay tuned for HHI "END OF AN ERA?" Updates this week regarding HHI's plans for next weekend's games.

HHI-BAY

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Hills Hoops Inc. (HHI) announces its latest business venture: HHI-BAY which is an "ahead of its time" idea. We'll cyber-post HHI sports memorabilia on an Internet (which was invented by HHI's Al Vath) Marketplace & auction it off to the highest bidder--Brilliant! Our 1st item up for HHI-BAY bid is an HHI Classic Bumper Sticker autographed by "Ben Dato #18" (see image below):I know all of you know all about HHI & Ben Dato and will bid accordingly, but the Internet is a World-Wide Web and there may be a few folks in the Far East who may not have yet heard about HHI & Ben, so we'll include this HHI-BAY memorabilia item description:
* Hills Hoops Inc.'s Basketball Division is Rated #1 (Numero Uno for our spanish speaking fans in Reading) by Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap
* the HHI Bumper Sticker itself is a classic collectors item created by Karen Miller who is also the co-owner of HHI's baked goods venture--Confectionately Yours
* Ben Dato is the son of the HHI Legendary EX-Smoker Bob Dato
* Ben is the only player in HHI History to dunk in a game (although Scott the Shot is still sticking with the story that he dunked pre-game)
* Ben is an All-American Punter from Fordham who was 2nd in the nation in net punting which is a measure of both punt length & hang-time
Let the HHI-BAY bidding begin, do I hear $1 Million?

While the HHI-BAY bids roll in, let me tell you about this morning's HHI action which featured a Sweaty 16 Hoopsters with Special Guest Scott the Shot, Quick Mike, and What the Heck as the Captains selecting these virtual franchises:
* Great Chicago Fire of 1871 = Captain Shot, Iron Mike, Gary US Bonds, Mighty Kerr, and Your Athletic Supporter
* E.T. Can't Phone Quick (because his phone service still hasn't been restored) = Captain Quick, Swoop, Giant Lipper, Radon Rader, and Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son
* Heckle Ref Bob (ask EX-Smoker to tell you that story) = Captain Heck, EX-Smoker Bob, Pat's Steaks, Everybody Knows Joey, and Coach Bill
* 16th Man Rover = Energizer Boni

I could tell you all about the gory details of the Round-Round Robin Goes Hacker Bob-Bob-Bobbing Along Tournament games, but let's just cut right to the chase so I can work on HHI-BAY. Heckle Ref Bob captured the Daily Championship while losing only once (by 9-4 to the Great Chicago Fire of 1871) as they featured an effective inside-outside scoring attack led by Pat's Steaks who was on fire from long-range except for that one loss where he was extinguished by the defense of Scott the Shot (yea, you read that right).

HHI will return to action on Monday @ 8am in what could be our historic last games @ Ozzies. In the mean time--you can occupy yourself watching Bowl Games, especially if you're in our Relay for Life Pool which is currently led by Mighty, Coach, Swoop, and Your Athletic Supporter. Between games, you can HHI-BAY bid on the HHI/Ben Dato Bumper Sticker and there are some other items we're thinking of adding:
* Scott the Shot has offered to donate Vath's favorite shirt which he's been "holding" for several months
* the Vath Ball which was left behind today by "The Question"
* Swoop's Left Hand (mercy bids accepted)

'TWAS THE MORNING BEFORE CHRISTMAS

By Your Merry Christmas Supporter, Jack Strap

'TWAS THE MORNING BEFORE CHRISTMAS
There at Ozzies in Leesport
15 Hoopsters Were Stirring
Playing Games on the Court

The Baskets Were Hung
Players Except Mighty Kerr
Hoping a Daily Championship
Would Soon Be Theirs

Today's 'TWAS THE MORNING BEFORE CHRISTMAS Captains were the "Good Hands People" although neither were voted "All State"--Swoop & Stay-Puff Marsh-Mellow Man who were recently treated by the same HHI Doctor for hand injuries. But just as they had their 7-on-7 teams picked, the FBI motorcade brought in none other than Agent Caddy who became the 3rd Captain for a 3x5x1 court relay featuring these virtual franchises:
* Caddy Canes = Adam Bomb, Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son, Diggetty Doug Bales (returning from I/R), Pat's Steaks, and Captain Caddy
* Santa Swoops = Quick Mike, Radon Rader, Bank'in Bowers, Gary US Bonds, and Captain Swoop
* CHRISTMAS March = Giant Lipper, Iron Mike, Energizer Boni, Jack Strap, and Captain Marsh

With all the 'TWAS THE MORNING BEFORE CHRISTMAS games to Seven, anything could happen & it did with momentum changing quickly especially with extra valuable deuce shooting. Through two (2) Rounds--it was the Caddy Canes on top @ 3-1 with a nice balanced scoring attack, the Santa Swoops 2nd @ 2-2, and the CHRISTMAS March a 1/2 step slow @ 1-3.

For Round #3, the Santa Swoops & CHRISTMAS March then made a pact to both defeat the Caddy Canes and then CHRISTMAS March intended to beat the Santa Swoops in the final game to tie all teams at 3-3. Sounded like a good 'TWAS THE MORNING BEFORE CHRISTMAS Plan especially when CHRISTMAS March found their maximum resonance frequency amplitude (Scholesy can explain the Physics involved) while snapping the Caddy Canes. Then Santa Swoops appeared to be doing the same to the Caddy Canes when:

Caddy put his middle finger aside his nose
Then giving a nod, up near the basket he rose
Next he sprang into the lane
And gave his Team a whistle
Then they took the Daily Championship
Like a heat-seeking FBI missile
(or was it an Adam Bomb?)

But you didn't hear me exclaim
As we all drove out of sight
MERRY CHRISTMAS To All
And To All a Good Night

I.E.C. OZZIES BOWL

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Since the (32) BOWL Games aren't enough, Industrial Equipment Corp. (IEC) decided to add one more by Sponsoring this AM's OZZIES BOWL from inside the OZZIES Dome in semi-snow-covered Les Portes (Leesport to the locals). Speaking of BOWLS, the HHI contingent is dominating the Relay for Life BOWLS Pool as DJ Jazzy Jones, Jack Strap, defending BOWLS Pool Champion Mighty Kerr, Swoop, Pat's Steaks & Coach are at the top of the BOWLS Pool Standings (although Hacker, Kenny & Rader are currently stuck on Zero points). IEC Owner Swoop wasn't there today as he was off working a consulting gig in Hangover, PA since Sponsoring a BOWL as prestigious as the OZZIES BOWL isn't cheap.

Today's I.E.C. OZZIES BOWL Captain/Coach were the Mighty Kerr & Coach Bill who divided the (14) Hoopsters suited up as follows:
* Coach's Game-Cocks = The Old Ball Coach Bill, Quick Mike, Giant Lipper, Floor Burn Phil, Who Killed Kenny, Pat's Steaks & Your Athletic Supporter
* Mighty's Horny-Frogs = Captain Mighty Kerr, Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son, Steve-Roller What the Heck, Iron Mike, Energizer Boni, Radon Rader & Gary US Bonds
The I.E.C. OZZIES BOWL 2007 was a uniquely formatted Best of Five Series and for those of you not there today (Magnum, Swoop, etc.), now would be the time for you to make your prediction?

Game 1 saw the Game-Cocks creative game plan working to perfection including introducing the Slingo Kenny Two-Ball play because as Dan Fouts said in the Waterboy "last game of the season, can't hold anything back" (he also said "Shut Up Brent"). Later, "Who Killed" squished the Horny-Frogs with a game-winning shot.

Game#2 saw the G-Cocks continuing to be Masters of Their Own Domain and hoping that chicks dig the long ball as their deuce-shooting was again the key to vic-tor-y which was clinched by a gorgeous Pat's Steaks feed to Lipper for the game-winner.

But the Horny-Frogs kept battling in Game 3 which turned into an Amish Barn-Burner with the teams tied at 14 before Gary US Bonds scored off a deflected pass for them to stay alive in this Best of Five I.E.C. OZZIES BOWL Series.

The Horny-Frogs then evidently made some major adjustments for Game#4 as they came out strong & then showed no mercy while "mercy ruling" the Game-Cocks 15-1. Just for the record--when yours truly continuously said "let's get one", he didn't mean for the whole game.

So this I.E.C. OZZIES BOWL fittingly came down to a Grand Finale Game Five as the BOWL fans held their breaths & the gamblers put big money down on the Horny-Frogs who had all the big Mo-mentum coming off a 15-1 "behind the wood shed" beating of the Game-Cocks (pun Not intended). But the Old Ball Coach had other ideas as he turned Quick Mike into Slash Mike who did it all but serve popcorn (that lazy bastard, I was hungry by then) in leading the Game-Cocks to the I.E.C. OZZIES BOWL Daily Championship.

BEN DATO: ALL-AMERICAN

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Congratulations to HHI's own Smokeless BEN DATO, who was named to College Football's ALL-AMERICAN Team. Too bad Bob Hope isn't alive for his ALL-AMERICAN Team Special--those were great. Here's how that might have gone down:
* Bob Hope: Our ALL-AMERICAN Punter is BEN DATO from Fordham. We haven't seen Kicking like that since Disney's Gus the Wonder Mule.
* BEN DATO: Thanks Bob & I'd also like to Thank My Mom, EX-Smoker Dad Bob & Hills Hoops Inc.

I want to put to rest the rumor that George Mitchell will be investigating HHI. A confused Quick thought it was George "Wham Ham" Michael, so he totally avoided the Ozzies bathroom today. Note that if there is an HHI investigation, it will spearheaded by the FBI's Caddyshack Steve and may include Dick "The Quail Shot" Cheyney & George "Dubya" Bush when they leave office (so you have some time to get off the "Juice").

Since EX-Smoker Bob's son BEN DATO is an ALL-AMERICAN, we let him pick both Teams today for a 7-on-7 Drill Tourney:
* Hand-picked Henchman = Captain EX-Smoker Bob, What the Heck, Scholesinator, DJ Jazzy Jones, Floor Burn Phil, Energizer Boni & Iron Mike
* Undrafted Free Agents = Swoop, Mighty Kerr, Quick Mike, Who Killed Kenny, Gary US Bonds, Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son & Your Athletic Supporter

In the first game, the Hand-picked Henchman did just as their Boss EX-Smoker Bob (who played like an ALL AMERICAN in this game) told them while opening up the proverbial can on the "can't hit the broad sign of a barn" shooting Undrafted Free Agents. But the HHI world got turned upside down in Game#2 as the Undrafted Free Agents played like they had something to prove, and prove it they did while taking down the Hand-picked Henchman in decisive fashion.

Everybody was "happy" to see Pat's Steaks show up just in time for Game#3 and since EX-Smoker Bob didn't supplemental draft him--he joined the Undrafted Free Agents who then utilized wholesale line changes like in Olde Time Hockey. Unlike the preceding games, this one was close with Who Killed Kenny scoring well, much to the chagrin of EX-Smoker Bob (did I mention that his Son BEN DATO was named an ALL-AMERICAN?), for the Free Agents, but at the end it was his teammate Mighty Kerr hitting the "BEN DATO: ALL-AMERICAN" Daily Championship-winning deuce.

But with Ozzies filling up & a line waiting outside to get in, HHI covered for Santa Claus (who was late as usual) by starting an Iron Man Finale Tournament. Game Numero Uno (for my Spanish speaking readers) saw Bob's Hand-picked Henchman getting back on track with a big IMF win. In the Tin Man Finale (TMF), the Undrafted Free Agents played with heart (Wizard of Oz pun intended) while taking a big lead, but the capacity crowd got their monies worth as The Henchmen came from behind behind (the dreaded "double behind") the deuce shooting of Pat & Heck to win the I/TMF Title.

GOLDEN BLING'S RADER NO LOVE

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

An even dozen players managed to make it to Ozzies early as per HHI's directive, but one odd-ball was both 13th & Late, thus there was NO LOVE for RADER. Being there early for once, I did get to see the GOLDEN BLING of Pat's Steaks and "Yea Baby" I'm sure there was no cubic zirconium in his collection. Picking from our collection of hoopsters were Captains Floor Burn Phil & Bank'in Bow-Bow-Bowers who both believed their following picks were greatest hits like GOLDEN Earring's Radar (Not RADER) LOVE:
* Austin Bowers = Captain Bowers, Sheriff Hacker Notorious B.I.G. Biggy Smalls Sponge Bob Square Mini-Me Pants, Iron Mike, What the Heck, Everybody Knows Joey (making his Ozzies debut), and Your Athletic Supporter
* Dr. Phil-vil = Captain FB Phil, Swoop, Energizer Boni, EX-Smoker Bob, Quick Mike, and Pat "GOLD-member"
* 13th Man "Fat Bastard" = Roving Radon RADER NO LOVE

Game #1 saw Austin Bowers (without RADER NO LOVE) grooving to a decisive win led by Steve-Roller What the Heck & Everybody Knows Joey. For Game 2, RADER NO LOVE switched to Austin Bowers who then saw the wheels come off their Mini-Cooper as Dr. Phil-vil scored an impressive victory sparked by Pat's GOLDEN BLING deuce shooting.

The 3rd game of the Series saw RADER NO LOVE rejoining Dr. Phil-vil and looking like he might get his 1st win before Austin Bowers geniusly attached a frigg'in laser beam to Hacker Bob's frigg'in head just before he frigg'in sharked in a game-winning deuce for the "GOLDEN BLING" Daily Championship.

So that left RADER NO LOVE with one last chance to get a "W" in the Iron Man Finale which was made possible by the earlier than normal HHI game time. But even though RADER tried to take matters into his own hands with a couple of buckets, it wasn't enough as Dr. Phil-vil finished him at 0-4 while both Austin Bowers & Dr. Phil-vil were Undefeated Without RADER NO LOVE.

The early (be there before 8am) schedule continues next Saturday and Ozzies' Gary told Heck that Santa Claus will be in Da House then. Coincidentally(?), Hacker Bob said he won't be back to HHI until after Christmas. Has anybody ever seen Santa & Hacker or Magnum & the Easter Bunny in the same place at the same time?

WINNING STREAK

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

After my Brother JayBird "Chin" Strap's endorsement of HHI basketball--an enormous eighteen (18) Hoopsters showed up this AM @ Ozzies. Which reminds me of a "Nick Joke" whenever he saw a fat guy (think the Amish Whopper Comic)--he's got more Chins than a Chinese phone book. OK, enough laughs as it was serious business today with Tri-Captains Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son, Magnum Mike, and Quick Mike drafting these virtual franchises:
* Al-leluia = Captain "They Call Me" Al Vath, Pat's Steaks, Gary US Bonds, Bank'in Bow-Bow-Bowers, Radon Rader, and Coach Bill
* Mag-netics = Captain Magnum, EX-Smoker Bob, Swoop (returning from master of his domain injury), Iron Mike, DD Bales, and Sheriff Hacker Sponge Bob Square Pants
* Quick Raiders = Captain Quick, Mighty Kerr, Energizer Boni, What the Heck, Floor Burn Phil, and Your Athletic Supporter

Quick purposely threw the "who plays" foul-shooting contest so that Heck could scout & game-plan their opponents. Who can question Quick now as his Quick Raider's own the TCFL Nation's longest WINNING STREAK heading into the season finale. So it was the Mag-netics vs. Al-leluia in the Opener and Glory-Glory it was Al-leluia's proving the pundits wrong with an easy win. Then the Al-leluia's seemed to be marching on to another victory, before the Quick Raiders turned up the defensive intensity to pull it out to start a WINNING STREAK.

Round 1 of this 3x6x1 Tournament then came to an ugly end with Heck's game plan working perfectly as the Quick Raiders took the Mag-netics behind the wood shed and opened up a can of the proverbial whoop a-s-s with a 9-0 shutout win to keep the WINNING STREAK going.

Round 2 saw the Mag-netics continue conducting their physics experiment and proving that a basketball isn't magnetically attracted to their basket, although it was to the Al-leluia's hoop as they hit (4) deuces & looked like they were "trampling out the vintage where the grapes of Vath are stored". But when the Al-leluia's Battle Hymn says "He is wisdom to the Mighty, He is Succour to the Brave"--the Mighty is Kerry & the Succour is Quick, thus the Quick Raiders WINNING STREAK continued.

The Grand Finale game of the Tourney saw the Mag-netics avoiding the shutout, but nonetheless going down to continue their stink'in losing STREAK while Quick & his Raiders took home the Daily Championship & now also own the longest HHI WINNING STREAK.