LOST & FOUND

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

FOUND this morning at Da Hills were (2) Special Guest Players (SGP's): Holiday Bill Ruth now out of Strongsville, OH & Beam Me Up Scotty from Hangover, PA as word of HHI has reached all corners of the globe & has boldly gone where no Hoopsters have gone before.

Also FOUND (& thus LOST) were a Little Mermaid cellphone, one bottle of Vodka (Open & Empty), two Little Debbie cupcakes (Open & Eaten), and one prophylactic (Unopened). Bales was alleged, but it would be a much stronger case against him if we had FOUND his Breakfast of Captains: Captain Crunch with Captain Morgan.

Speaking of Captains, once again this week we had Captaining problems with that rabble-rouser Quick. So Commissioner Wojo-Mojo was summoned to the courts, arriving with his "attack dog", but in the interim Captains Heck & Gary had stepped up to lead by example (hopefully Quick learned from that) in putting together all (4) Teams as follows:
* Gary Marsh (i.e. Marsh's Dad) = Gary, Marsh-mellow Man, Iron & Hangover Scotty
* Gary's Olde Town Tavern = Holiday Bill, Boooo Mike Tice, Who Killed Kenny & Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son
* 4-Man Hecking Crew = Heck, Swoop, Mighty & Jack Strap
* Hecklers = EX-Smoker Bob, Quick, Radon Rader & Bad Night Bales
* 17th Man Rover = Pat Steaks

Round 1 of the Round-Round Robin Goes Hacker Bob-Bob-Bobbin Along Tournament saw two close 11-9 games as Gary & Heck did a prime-time Captaining job. As Vath said, "the score doesn't matter" as his Gary's Olde Town Tavern squad LOST to the Hecklers from Cheers. Elsewhere it was the 4-Man Hecking Crew edging Gary Marsh.

The Stink'in Losers then switched courts for Round 2 which saw the 4-Man Hecking Crew winning ugly over Gary's OT Tavern while Gary Marsh FOUND the range in defeating the Hecklers.

The Daily Championship Round featured the 4-Man Hecking Crew vs. the Hecklers while Gary Marsh took on Gary's Olde Town Tavern. The results were Gary's Olde Town Tavern ending up winless, although they'll forget all about it by Happy Hour tonight. And the 4-Man Hecking Crew finished undefeated for the Daily Championship.

There was also an Iron Man Finale (IMF) Round which saw Gary Marsh behind Gary's deuce shooting & Hangover Scotty's final fast-break bucket defeating the previously undefeated DC's: the 4-Man Hecking Crew. On the flip side, it was the previous winless Gary's Olde Town Tavern who FOUND a "W" vs. the Hecklers as Kenny used a perfectly legal backboard pass to himself to set-up his winning lay-up.

For real LOST & FOUND: Mighty FOUND glasses under the pavilion which he said looked to be prescription, so holla-holla if you LOST them.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

"WITH ALL DUE RESPECT", never before in almost 16 years of what is now known as Hills Hoops Inc. (HHI) have I heard those words uttered until today. But today after "Captains" Quick & Marsh ended up on the same team, Bank'in Bowers said "WITH ALL DUE RESPECT these teams aren't even". Quick was of course the devious master-mind with Marsh as the young accomplice to the "crime", kind of like Thunderbolt & Lightfoot (great movie if you've never seen it). You judge for yourself:
* Thunderbolt & Lightfoot = Quick, Marsh, Mighty, Coach & Yours Truly
* Thelma & Louise (or so they'd want you to think) = EX-Smoker Bob, Iron Mike, Radon Rader, Bad Day Bales & Bowers

Before Game 1, Coach & I quickly calculated that 75% of HHI Teams that are dubbed "unbeatable" end up as "Stink'in Losers", so you'll see below if you weren't there and a lot of guys weren't as there was a large turnover of players from last week's "Big Man Battle" to a majority of "Guards" today. Out for the 2nd straight week was Swoop who has a "knee injury" that he's treating with "water ice", although it mysteriously doesn't impact his Walley Ball schedule? On the other hand, Swoop's PSU Roommate--Commish Wojo-Mojo did make a brief appearance this AM.

Anyway, the big story early in Game #1 was EX-Smoker Bob coming out smoke'in hot as he made like Brad Pitt (or Mr. Dato WITH ALL DUE RESPECT) for Thelma & Louise while Thunderbolt & Lightfoot was shooting an "0-fer" from long-range. But down-the-stretch, Thunderbolt & Lightfoot found their deuce-range as they buried (4) 2-balls (= 8 points for the math-impaired) in garnering the "Dubya".

But one game doesn't make a Daily Championship and Thelma & Louise had by then realized that they could beat these guys and they were on the verge of doing just that in Game 2 with the score knotted at 14. But at the "buzzer", it was The Mighty Kerr hitting the "money shot" for Thunderbolt & Lightfoot's Daily Championship.

Although WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, you had to call Thunderbolt & Lightfoot the Daily Champions, Game #3 was still for pride that Thelma & Louise had although that pride was matched by Lightfoot Marsh who seemed to have the most energy on the court on a hot energy-sapping day at Da Hills. But Thelma & Louise hung tough just like in the movie and with the score at 14-13, they were just a deuce away from a win. And I can tell you the final basket was a deuce, but-but it was by Thunderbolt & Lightfoot's Coach Bill. Too bad for Thelma & Louise that we weren't playing Washers as Coach's deuce would have put them over the winning 15 score & back to zero.

Thelma & Louise's EX-Smoker Bob did have the best line of the day as after hearing about "Faraway" of LRP (Lunch Run Program) fame, he quipped "she looked like she ran a 100 yard dash in a 50 yard gym."

FROM TCFL TO HHI with a SPECIAL GUEST

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

It was "TCFL Night" out at the Reading Phils last night as Iron Mike was presented with the coveted TCFL Championship Plaque and (9) of the greatest fantasy football owners were in attendance. Although yours truly isn't a baseball fan anymore, I did pick up right where I left off from 1994 (it's like riding a bike) when I denounced baseball & began my boycott after they went on strike. But now I have some new favorite baseball players:
* LHP Fabio Castro - best name in baseball
* "Peter" Sellers - during pre-game I asked him where Brett Myers was & he proceeded to show me he could play a little ball too
* "The" Pope who we heckled in the bullpen from our "must be in the 2nd row" seats
* J-Rod who is having an affair with Donna (not to be confused with Madonna)
* And this Akron guy named "Head" who was really "Good"

So after a night of boring baseball, a Big 5 TCFLers were ready for some exciting Hills Hoops, although one was conspicuous by his absence. I won't mention any names, but he was the same guy last night who chose a water ice over a beer at a baseball game which is Un-American (hint: he could Never be a left-handed pitcher).

In addition, the excitement level at HHI Today was bolstered by the long-awaited return of Swishie Kurtz in a SPECIAL GUEST Appearance. Kurtzy was an HHI stalwart (look it up, it's not derogatory) for many seasons before moving from Birdsboro to Phoenixville several years ago. I selected today's teams utilizing the shirt color method & they ended up as follows:
* R-Phils = Giant Lipper, Scholesinator, Free Ride Todd, Who Killed Kenny, Swishie Kurtzy, and Your Athletic Supporter
* Iron-Pigs = Iron Mike, Gary US Bonds, Stay-Puff Marsh-mellow Man, EX-Smoker Bob, Big Boo-oooo, and Bad Day Bales
* 13th Man Rover = TCFL Commissioner: The Mighty Kerr

Game 1 saw the R-Phils jumping on the back of Free Ride Todd & taking a Slow Ride, Take It Easy trip to a 15-11 victory. Swishie Kurtz proved in this game that he had actually gained a step net-net because although he had lost one since he last played HHI, most of the veteran (i.e. old) hoopsters had lost two steps.

In Game #2, the Iron-Pigs took an early lead sparked by a Big Bob shot formally known as The Nicotine Hook & from there parlayed that into a Big 10-5 lead. But the R-Phils put on their "rally caps" & cut it to 11-9 by the "7th inning stretch". But-But (there's that dreaded Double But) then with his delightful daughters in attendance Marsh-mellow Man toasted the R-Phils defense who closed it out about as well as that R-Phils reliever who gave up a game-winning 2-run homer in the 9th last night.

So it all came down to the Daily Championship Game with the R-Phils wanting to "Win One for the Kurtzy" who had driven all the way from Phoenixville, but noted it was a "good deal" because gas is twenty cents less here in Berks. Yours truly tried to get the Iron-Pigs' Marsh out of the game by plotting with his daughters to demand "you scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream", but the plan didn't work so the R-Phils were forced to win the game the old fashion way--they had to earn it.

This was a tough game, but at crunch time the R-Phils called the pick & roll play with Jack Strap & Free Ride Todd making like Stockton & Malone (i.e. Dick Stockton & Sam "May-Day" Malone) which resulted in Your Athletic Supporter being open & burying the Daily Championship-winning "walk-off" deuce for the R-Phils.

Just like old times for Kurtz, there was an Iron Man Finale where the Todd-less R-Phils were scrapped-butchered by the Iron-Pigs. The play that best summed up this defeat was when I got a little too much air under a fast break pass (OK, it was a "wounded duck") to Kurtz who pulled a Ricky Watters "for who, for what" while being out fought for the ball by The Mighty Kerr who was by then hungry for his 1st win of the day which he got.

So all-in-all it was Really Fun & All Good on Friday Night & Saturday AM FROM The TCFL TO HHI with a SPECIAL GUEST. Also note that we will have another HHI SPECIAL GUEST in the next couple weeks.

WHO YOU GONNA CALL?

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

After a short Grace Key-Master delay when a Les Portes (i.e. Leesport) power outage led to an incorrect AM/PM clock re-setting which resulted in a 7am wake-up alarm not going off because the clock thought it was 7pm, therefore...(well you get the point), today's Captains Swoop & Quick selected these squads:
* Key-Masters = Captain Swoop, Bank'in Bowers, EX-Smoker Bob, Gary US Bonds, DJ Jazzy Jones, and Stay-Puff Marsh-mellow Man
* Gate-Keepers = Captain Quick, What the Heck, Iron Mike, Bad Day Bales, Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son & Your Athletic Supporter
* 13th Man Rover = The Mighty Kerr

Game 1 saw the Gate-Keepers team defense rotating their locks on the basket, causing the Key-Masters offense a lot of trouble trying to get them open for points. Meanwhile the Gate-Keepers pretty much scored at will (& Will wasn't even playing) for a decisive victory.

So if you're the Key-Masters after that defeat, WHO YOU GONNA CALL for Game#2? Actually, they didn't need to dial up the Ghostbusters or anyone else because they had all the pieces they needed for success & just had to put them together which they did while impressively tying the series.

So now to win the Daily Championship, if you gave both teams a WHO YOU GONNA CALL? to anyone on the HHI Roster? You couldn't go wrong ringing up Free Ride Todd who had arrived after a tour of all Grace Churches in Shillington. The Team Captains then went into heavy negotiations over who had the rights to Free Agent Todd & also related trades to then even up the teams.

While all that was going on Todd told me that his battle with Cancer continues, where as I was really hoping his return to HHI signified his return to a clean bill of health. They had taken out a quarter-sized tumor behind his eye last year, but unfortunately he required another operation a few months back & is now trying to get in shape for upcoming radiation treatments. His attitude is still very positive and let's all keep him in our thoughts & prayers.

Todd joined the Key-Masters for Game 3 and although not at his full strength--he played well & inspired his new teammates to an easy victory. The Key-Masters then traded Todd to the Gate-Keepers to avoid the Daily Championship* (i.e. Asterisk). This next game was the best of the day, but at the end without the WHO YOU GONNA CALL Ghostbusters in attendance to stop him, it was the Stay-Puff Marsh-Mellow Man's shot that gave the Key-Masters the 15-14 "asterisk-free" Daily Championship.

Although HHIers had voted against a Independence Weekend Doubleheader, a dozen "voted" to play on today with an Iron Man Finale (IMF) despite heavy sweatage resulting in a slippery court. With Todd & a slip-sliding Heck playing well together, the IMF Title then went to the Gate-Keepers.