PHIL FACTOR & THE FOIL

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

On my way home from Hoops, I was sad to hear that Paul Newman just passed away at 83 after a long battle with cancer (Note: cancer is really pissing me off). Newman was known for many things but my favorite was his role as "Reggie Dunlop", Player/Coach of the Johnstown Chiefs in that Classic "Slap Shot". Here's some memorable Newman quotes from that flick:
Reggie Dunlop: It's their rink, it's their ice, and it's their fuckin' town. But tonight we got our fans with us! [other players cheer]
Reggie Dunlop: They spent their own dough to get here, and they came here to see us! All right, let's show 'em what we got, guys! Get out there on the ice and let 'em know you're there. Get that fuckin' stick in their side. Let 'em know you're there! Get that lumber in his teeth. Let 'em know you're there!
That movie also featured Da Hanson Brothers:
Reggie Dunlop: What are you guys doing?
Steve Hanson: Puttin' on THE FOIL!

HHI was "there" this AM putting on "THE FOIL" at Grace Fellowship Church with these Newman-inspired combatants:
* Cool Hand Luke = EX-Smoker Bob, Quick Mike, Mighty Kerr, Gary US Bonds & Your Athletic Supporter
* Butch Cassidy = Boo Mike Tice, Marsh-mellow Man, Bank'in Bowers, Scholesinator, and Iron Mike
* 11th Man Rover = Floor Burn PHIL FACTOR

Game 1 saw Cool Hand Luke putting Butch Cassidy "in the box" as what BC had there was a "failure to communicate" and Cool Hand Luke had the Hot Hands while winning big. Before Game #2, Butch Cassidy traded the Sundance Kid: Floor Burn PHIL FACTOR and proceeded to scorch the nets in a 15-5 beat-down of epic proportions.

So after 2 blowouts, the HHI Fans (Excluding #1 Fan Sandy who was at Da Hills wondering why HHI wasn't there) clamored for a competitive Game 3 and they got it. This one went back-and-forth, up-and-down, hither-and-yon, etc. until it was tied at 14 when Your Athletic Supporter put in a patented bank shot from the wing for what appeared to be the Daily Championship for Cool Hand Luke. But No!!!!!! A decision came down from "The Commissioner" that to win the DC, a team needed to overcome the PHIL FACTOR as Floor Burn was 0-3.

So PHIL FACTOR joined the Almost Daily Champion Cool Hand Luke for Game #4 and really did his best, but his best wasn't enough as Boo Mike Tice made like Butch Cassidy while winning the game for BC with a deuce, so the Series was tied. PHIL FACTOR then decided to leave the dark cloud he was carrying around Grace and it was a good move as here's what he walked out to: So it all came down to a PHIL-less Finale to 11 which saw Butch Cassidy take the lead, but Cool Hand Luke battled back before Scholesinator took matters into his own hands with some tough points in the paint for BC's DC.

#1 FAN RETURNS

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

If you're here to read all about the DRIVER CUP Golf Tourney, that story appears below but also feel free to read all about the continuing adventures of Hills Hoops Inc. This AM's Basketball (a game like most where the high score wins) Captains were Magnum Mike & EX-Smoker Bob who selected these virtual franchises:
* Magnanimous = Captain Magnum, Swoop, Quick Mike, Iron Mike, Boo Mike Tice, and Knee Scab Phil who told me he hasn't been around for awhile because he's been covering for Frito Lay guys out with hernia's from lifting--so remember that next time you think there should be more chips in your bag
* Marlboro Men = Captain EX-Smoker, Everybody Knows Joey, Marsh-mellow Man, Mighty Kerr, Hacker Bob (originally the Rover), and Your Athletic Supporter

In Game #1 the Marlboro Men kicked the habit & Magnanimous' butts early on for a 6-0 lead as Big Bob had delusions that he'd drafted the best HHI team ever. But Magnanimous came back with 4 deuces (3 by Quick) although in the final analysis--that was too little, too late as they went down by a score of 15-10.

Game 2 was close early on but then the Marlboro Men appeared to take control only to see Magnanimous come roaring back at the end before the Marlboro Men dashed their hopes at the buzzer to capture the Daily Championship.

Game #3 was for pride before which our #1 FAN Sandy returned. Sandy asked where we've been the past couple weeks and I could tell by the tone in his voice that he thought we were a bunch of pusses for not playing when the court was a little wet. I'm sure back in #1 FAN's days of youth in the coal belt they played in a lot worse conditions. Maybe #1 FAN was right about us being pusses as early on today, some players were asking whose idea it was to play outside & complaining about their little handsies being cold. Anyway while Joey kept #1 FAN company before finally departing on his bike to pick-up his wife (she must be petite), his Marlboro Men team completed the sweep with Marsh's 2-ball winning it.

Next week we'll hopefully be outside again, but if not I'm not going to be the one making the decision to play inside & later feel the wrath of #1 FAN Sandy as that cane looks like a lethal weapon.

DRIVER CUP

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Forget the Rider CUP, the big event in Golf yesterday was the DRIVER CUP. Golf Commissioner Old School Bruce pulled together (26) of the "best" players in the world who could actually find the neatly tucked away "Manor Golf Course" and not one of them was European or You're a Pee'in (since Scholesy wasn't there). The 2008 HHI/TCFL/RfL Scramble Teams:
* Old School Golfers = Captain Bruce, Knee Scab Phil, Sheriff Hacker Bob, and batting clean-up The Mighty Kerr
* Who Needs Hacker = DJ Jazzy Jones, Radon Rader, and "Ringer" Tim Kirkpatrick with Magnum canceling out after Bruce advised him Golf was a non-contact sport
* Miller Brothers (not to be confused with the Hansen Brothers) = Brother Dave Miller, Brother Gary Miller, and Jim Kurtzy-Miller
* Top Gun Bogeys = Captain Chucky Boy Barbera, Swoop, Craiger, and Jack Strap without F'in Ross (although we kept score like him)
* Defending Champions = Quick Mike, Iron Mike, Lipper, and Diggetty Doug Bales
* Morton Powder Coatings = "Muggsy" Raihl, Golf Ball'in Bow-Bow-Bowers, Glenn "I'm OK, You're OK" Correll, and The Nedster
* Gary's Golfers = Gary US Bonds, Mike Klingman, Duke Wolf, and Gary's last Recruit who he got on a tip from the snake-oil salesman Rich Rodriquez

If this was any other sport but Golf, Top Gun Bogeys would have had won easily with the high score of the day as most others were negative--since when is negative good? But this was DRIVER CUP Golf and although Captain Chuck had the biggest DRIVER head on the course and Swoop was the craziest DRIVER out there on the Nas-Carts circuit, the end result was a Bunch of Bogeys (I wasn't keeping score, but I thought I saw more than 6 of them?). In the past, Top Gun "Maverick" Ross would "scramble" those Bogeys, but without him our shots were "sunny side up" outside the cup.

Top Gun Bogeys did manage some "you tube" moments as my drive on the road canyon hole missed smashing a windshield only because there were Thankfully no cars at that moment, although the road carom was terrific & we actually ended up using that shot. But the "shot" of the day was PO-letti's imitation of Happy Gilmore where after a "swing and a miss" he lost his balance and fell right on top of his ball--if we only had that on video.

Finishing in a tie for 2nd to last at One Over Par was the team that played ahead of Top Gun Bogeys on the Front 9 and the one that played behind TGB on the Back 9 as they got out of order after the "meatball" turn--you know what they say "Bogeys are contagious". The Miller Brothers were smart enough to figure out that the safest place on the course when playing ahead of Top Gun Bogeys is on the green. Also a notable shot I did see was Captain Gary US Bonds hitting a wonderful chip within inches of the cup that drew applause from the envious TGB.

Finishing in 4th place were the Old School Golfers led by Bruce who did a great job putting together this Tournament and negotiating greens fee & food/beverage discounts that at the end yielded $400 for the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life (RfL). The deserving Bruce was also close to winning almost all the longest DRIVES & closest to the pins, but some "selfish bastard" would always beat him out.

So it came down to (3) DRIVER CUP Golf Teams for the coveted Title & the all-important bragging rights with "Who Needs Hacker" finishing early and putting up a very good (-7) number to beat as DJ got them going early with a big DRIVE on #1 to pick up Rader who trickled one slightly off the tee (making my #1 DRIVE look Tigerish, OK Michelson-ish). Later, I'm sure Rader contributed some good shots & great laughs.

That number held up until the Defending 2-Time Champions tied it benefitting from an "Eagle" and some good strategic "scout" work through-out by Bales who was dressed for "winter golf' in jeans. But their 3-Peat wasn't in the cards as the Morton Powder Coatings (MPC) team that I put together & then smartly stepped away from so they could win the DRIVER CUP, did so with a (-8). Amongst the many shots it took to win this DRIVER CUP Tourney, I got to see Nedster's shot within 20 inches (Pam Anderson would have called that a "Tommy Lee") of the hole at #10 and sorry I missed my "Glenn" namesake's long "putt for dough" on the "Undulating" hole. Glad I had just learned that word "undulation" (to have a wavy form or surface; bend with successive curves in alternate directions.) from Swoop before Nedster told me about "I'm OK, You're OK" Correll's putt. During the post-DRIVER CUP get-together, Captain Gary "Muggsy" Raihl told me MPC would be back to defend their Title in 2009.

So that's it for the 2008 DRIVER CUP and again Thanks To Golf Commissioner Bruce as we had a lot of fun while raising $400 for the worthy RfL Cause!!!

FOUNDING FATHERS RETURN

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

HHI's FOUNDING FATHERS RETURNED triumphantly from Happy Valley after having shaved/damned/pelted the Beavers. The FOUNDING FATHERS were pleased to hear that HHI had played on without them last Saturday with (8) players including the likes of Iron Mike, Magnum, Heck, and the Large & In-Charge Big Bob--all strong branches on the HHI Family Tree. This morning at Grace there were a Bo Derek 10 that were broken into a pair of 5's divided up as follows:
* A Dato that will Live in Infamy = Captain Big Bob Dato, Mighty Kerr, Stay-Puff Marshmellow Man, Bank'in Bow-Bow-Bowers, and Your Athletic Supporter
* Boo Do You Think You Are (see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdZlm2yjWjo) = Captain Boo Mike Tice, Swoop, Quick, Iron and Scholesinator

Game 1 saw Big Bob Dato hit that famous EX-Nicotine hook early to spark his squad and then watch his trade for the mercurial Marsh pay off over & over again as A Dato that will Live in Infamy prevailed. It was more of the same in Game #2 as the Marshmellow Man just couldn't miss, thus the Dato-nians won the Daily Championship.

This prompted calls for the Ghostbusters & Swoop to come in with their Proton Packs to roast Stay-Puff Marshmellow Man in Game# 3. Nonetheless the Dato-nians were up 14-8 and in desperation the Ghostbusters decided to cross the streams on the Proton Packs. Meanwhile, Swoop's asss (with 3 s's to fool the Spam filters) started to tingle having heard "proton", so he decided to nail some deuces in leading Boo Do You Think You Are back to tie it at 14. But the drama was ended when some pin-point Dato-nian passing resulted in a Captain Bob (not to be confused with Captain Morgan from HHI FOUNDING FATHERS PSU Tailgate Fame) game-winner.

That just left the Iron Man Finale (IMF) which some think should be a winner-take-all game, but I checked the sports rulebook and it turns out that is only the case at the PSU Tailgate Washers Championship (won by Chucky Boy & myself). Be that as it may, Boo Do You Think You Are wanted this game and Boo's extra between-games shooting practice (yes Iverson, "practice") paid off as he shot his squad to the IMF Title.

HHI TURNS 16 & RADER 49

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

HHI TURNED 16 today while RADER's BIRTHDAY made him 49. So when HHI TURNS 49, RADER will be 82 which is how old Marsh said Radon plays like he is before the Championship Game today (although not saying yet if it was Daily Championship or Stink'in Losers Championship). For this HHI/RADER momentous occasion, twenty (20) players TURNED out for a Round-Round Robin Goes Hacker Bob-Bob Bob'in Along Tournament with these virtual franchises:
* Marshmellow Fluff = Captain Marshmellow Man, Magnum & Swoop (those guys were the Fluff), Iron Mike, and Coach Bill
* Nestle's Quick = Captain Quick, EX-Smoker Bob, Adam Bomb (who now has a real job), Sheriff Hacker Bob, and Jack Strap (who hadn't lost a Daily Championship since the last Holiday game on July 5--look it up)
* Kung FU Panda = Captain FU Frank, Who Killed Kenny, Mighty Kerr, New Guy Paul, and Gary US Bonds
* Vath of Least Resistance = Captain "Call Me" Al Vath, Radon RADER--Age 49, DJ Jazzy Jones, Bank'in Bowers, and Boo Mike Tice

Round 1 featured Marshmellow Fluff & Nestle's Quick which actually go well together for lunch, but this was breakfast so they went at it like Scrapple & a V8. It was like the old HHI days at the Owls Sports Complex with Coach & Hacker again playing like they were 49 as their teams' leading scorers. These squads were tied at 10 for awhile before Marsh finally found a sliver of daylight for the game-winning lay-up. Meanwhile, Boo Mike Tice hit a long ball to give Birthday Boy RADER & the Vath of Least Resistance the victory over Kung FU Panda.

So as per HHI Tradition, the Stink'in Losers switched courts for Round 2 where the Vath of Least Resistance sweaked by Nestle's Quick and Marshmellow Fluff came on down the stretch to defeat Kung FU Panda. So that set up the Championships: Nestle's Quick vs. Kung FU Panda in the Stink'in Losers Championship, where as some might be slightly more interested in the Daily Championship Battle of the Unbeatens: Marshmellow Fluff vs. the Vath of Least Resistance.

The Stink'in Losers Championship was everything you'd expect & maybe more--"bonehead" plays, turnovers, lackadaisical defense, etc. with Nestle's Quick prevailing but then since the DC was still in progress, we played again with Kung FU Panda winning this time to fittingly tie these teams for last place.

The Daily Championship (DC) saw Marshmellow Fluff on the precipice of stardem, leading by 10-7 before the Vath of Least Resistance figured out the Path of Least Resistance to the DC was to let RADER'S Golf Partner, DJ Jazzy Jones go for the deuces. DJ made Marsh eat his words that "RADER played like he was 82" while nailing two deuces (the 2nd behind a picket fence of picks) for their dramatic 11-10 DC victory as HHI TURNED 16 & RADER 49.

Since it was HHI's 16th Anniversary Game & such a be-a-u-tiful day, 18 players played on in an Iron Man Finale (IMF) Round. Although Marshmellow Fluff had just tasted the agony of defeat they resiliently bounced back in a battle vs. Nestle's Quick who were pridefully inspired by what woulda-coulda-shoulda been today. The result was an Instant HHI Classic won on a lucky bounce of the ball to Marsh (Quick, I spun this the best I could). I have no clue what happened on the other court, but I'm giving Radon RADER the win on his 49th Birthday since he shares that Birthday with Hills Hoops Inc. (HHI).

After 16 years--HHI's Founding Fathers are going on Vacation next weekend to Happy Valley, but we ask that the rest of you play on next Saturday @ 8am and note that we have appointed EX-Smoker Bob as large & in-charge.