FBI vs. HHI

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

The FBI was in the Grace House today as Caddyshack Steve made yet another comeback to HHI, although even with all of his FBI technology--Caddy had a very hard time finding HHI's latest home which makes me think that Osama Bin Laden may be living on Old Lancaster Pike rather than in an Afghan cave. Of course now that I typed that, Caddy's FBI undercover agents will be blanketing the Grace area & so you'll be able to identify them when you show up tomorrow AM, I've pictured their disguise below but under no circumstances are you to blow their cover.
Today's FBI vs. HHI Captains were Sheriff Hacker Bob & Iron Mike who created these virtual franchises:
* FBI = Caddy, Quick, Free Ride Todd, Scholesinator, and Captain Hacker
* HHI = Captain Iron, X-Smoker Bob, DJ Jazzy, Hoooo Shot JR, and Your Athletic Supporter
* 11th Man Rover = The Giant Lipper

Besides Caddy, the rest of you probably don't know that the FBI's Motto is Fidelity, Bravery & Integrity whereas HHI's Motto is Hilarious, Hooplicious & Insanity. Now that you're educated on that, I can tell you that in Game #1 the FBI put together an effective inside-outside attack that probably could have better handled the Waco Branch Davidian siege and did handle HHI.

Currently the FBI's Focus is on stopping terrorism, corruption, organized crime, cyber crime, and civil rights violations but now they'll have to add "Stopping JR" who in Game 2 rocketed to the top of the FBI's Most Wanted List while leading HHI to a 15-5 beat-down of epic proportions to tie the series.

Before Game #3, the FBI's Behavorial Analysis Unit issued a report noting that that the Roving Lipper was 0-2 and that they no longer considered him beligerrent (irrespective of the 1980 Shippensburg Case). Lip may no longer be "belligerent", but he was "determined" to get a win with HHI and he did just that as HHI took home the Daily Championship on a DJ Deuce.

But HHI wasn't going home with their DC quite yet as the FBI demanded an Iron Man Finale (IMF), Special Agent Caddy (SAC) allegedly set-up FBI snipers outside Grace to take out any HHIers who made a run (or fast-walk) for it, the FBI took Lip back by eminent domain, and you'd think they would have been happy when they won the IMF Title on a F.R. Todd putback, but No-o-o-o!!! The FBI then abused their power further by dictating a Steel Man Finale (SMF) to 15, that they later changed to 21 to their benefit, and finally won at 25 on a Quick 2-ball.

WASN'T GOING TO BE DENIED

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

While some HHIers were nestled all snug in their beds this AM, others WEREN'T GOING TO BE DENIED their day before Christmas basketball. Swoop was the Grace Key-Master, so he slip-slided away down Leesport Hills for Hoops as he WASN'T GOING TO BE DENIED. Hacker Bob WASN'T GOING TO BE DENIED & as he departed from far-off Douglasville, his Wife exclaimed that we "were officially idiots"--glad to hear it's now official. DJ was there with his daughters who unlike their Uncle Bob, WEREN'T GOING TO BE DENIED. Quick was "driving down the lane" like he WASN'T GOING TO BE DENIED when a lady & her car "stepped in", so he T-Boned her & when she called a "charge" he ripped off her door handle because he WASN'T GOING TO BE DENIED. After that little accident, Quick arrived as the popular 10th Man and then Gary US Bonds made up & named these they WEREN'T GOING TO BE DENIED Teams:
* HHI Originals = Swoop, Lipper, Quick, Magnum, and Jack Strap
* Misfits = Gary, Hacker, Bank'in, DJ Jazzy, and Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son

Game 1 saw the Misfits proving they belonged just like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer as they took the lead led by DJ, but post-accident Quick shot better than ever--nailing deuces that keyed the HHI Originals victory as he WASN'T GOING TO BE DENIED. But the Misfits came back in Game# 2 like they WEREN'T GOING TO BE DENIED and tied the series with some sharp-shooting of their own.

Before the Daily Championship game, the HHI Originals strategized with wholesale changes in their defensive assignments that seemed to confuse DJ who had said that Vath's ball "made him feel like he was on acid", but then he tried to cover himself by saying he "didn't inhale" & also think he said "I did not have sexual relations with that woman". But I digress--this game went back-and-forth, up-and-down, point-counter point until at a key juncture Lipper WASN'T GOING TO BE DENIED on a driving basket with Hacker draped all over him like a cheap suit. This gave the HHI Originals a 13-10 lead which they turned into the Daily Championship when Jack Strap set-up Quick on the "cough play" for the DC-winning deuce.

That just left the Iron Man Finale (IMF) and although "Misfit" Rudolph may guide that sleigh tonight, the Misfits WERE DENIED the IMF Title by the HHI Originals punctuated by Swoop's winning shot and a Strap-Swoop Chest Bump. But one thing nobody WANTS TO DENY anyone in HHI or their Families is a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

BACK TO SCHOOL

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Earlier this week we're looking at the Wilson Quarterly Report in the High Honor Roll section for Grade 10 for our son Andrew's name and also see "Michael Mathias" (see scanned picture below). For those of you who don't know Michael Mathias, that's Magnum's alter ego so I contacted "Deep Throat" just before he passed away (may he rest in peace) and he advised that Magnum is BACK TO SCHOOL. Magnum playing the Rodney Dangerfield BACK TO SCHOOL role (Magnum: Kim said she wanted to make love in the backseat and then asked me to drive, No Respect) as a Sophomore sitting in class next to his son Connor Magnum-Mathias. Evidently Magnum's SVHS diploma was deemed the equivalent of a 10th Grader at Wilson (a.k.a. The Harvard of High Schools, which is why Connor transferred there). This explains why he hasn't been at HHI much lately nor did he have time to complete a College Foot-Bowl Pool, because he's been studying really hard. No word yet on the year of football & basketball eligibility he is seeking?
Without High Honors Student Michael "Magnum" Mathias, (14) HHIers played on with these BACK TO SCHOOL characters' squads:
* Dean Martin's Rat Pack ("Dean Martin" played by Ned Beatty, who is maybe best known for squealing like a pig in "Deliverance") = Captain Swoop, Free Ride Todd, Quick Mike, Iron Mike, Mighty Kerr, Gary US Bonds, and Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap
* Professor Tergeson's Class ("Tergeson" played by Sam Kinison, who is maybe best known for saying on the Howard Stern Show that he fell asleep "inside" Jessica Hahn) = Captain Lipper, X-Smoker Bob, What the Heck, Everybody Knows Joey, Bank'in Bowers, Scott from Hangover, and Floor Burn Phil

BACK TO SCHOOL Games 1 & 2 were as good as it gets in HHI as they both came down to the wire up for grabs as the teams were well-picked. They were also as bad as it gets in HHI, as particularly at the end of Game#2, both teams appeared to be trying to give the game away. But it was Dean Martin's Rat Pack who after a heart-breaking loss in Game #1, accidently gave Professor Terguson's Class Game #2 and the Daily Championship.

With Dean Martin's Rat Pack Frank Sinatra-like star "Free Ride" Todd (only Quick would make the politically incorrect sight joke & say Sammie Davis Jr.) departing for the hospital before Game 3, they lost their inspirational leader & then the game to Professor Terguson's Class.

Before the BACK TO SCHOOL Iron Man Finale (IMF), word came down from Iron Mike's new boss Barack Obama (who I understand is a "closet" HHI Fan) that there are strings attached to the $25 Million the U.S. Treasury just gave to Iron's Co.--VIST Financial starting with Iron having to change teams for the IMF. This was bad timing for Iron as his former team--Dean Martin's Rat Pack re-grouped very nicely to defeat Iron's new team for the coveted IMF Title.

DIABOLICAL PLAN

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

The presentation of the TCFL Brick & Piels Trophy by Yours Truly to Quick Mike in the HHI pre-game seemed innocent enough, but if you promise not to tell TCFL Commissioner: The Mighty Kerr & the other TCFLers--I'll share our DIABOLICAL PLAN with you. As you may or may not know, Quick made a "one-sided" TCFL trade of valuable players to Your Athletic Supporter weeks back that put our Legion Of Doom (LOD) in a very good position to capture the TCFL Title this year. Quick's Raiders in return got valuable 2009 draft picks & a valuable player to be named later. So Quick will be a TCFL contender next year when the DIABOLICAL PLAN will see Yours Truly make a "one-sided" trade of valuable players to him so he can win the 2009 TCFL Championship & in return get valuable draft picks/valuable player to be named later so Your LOD can win it all in 2010, and so on & so forth. Thus Quick & Your Athletic Supporter's DIABOLICAL PLAN will have them taking turns year-after-year-after-year going from Worst-to-First & thus controlling everything that means something in the TCFL--the Brick, the Breakfast, the Championship Plaque, and the Championship Party--a DIABOLICAL PLAN that can't be stopped.

But at HHI this AM--a courageous man who believes in truth, justice, and the American way: Magnum (Yes, Magnum) stepped in as a Captain to stop Captain Jack Strap from teaming up with Quick to "Take Over HHI" with another DIABOLICAL PLAN. Magnum stopped that by taking Quick with the 1st pick in the HHI Draft, where he'd usually be a 3rd or 4th rounder which is Anti-DIABOLICAL. With the DIABOLICAL PLAN stopped (atleast for this week), the HHI squads filled in as follows:
* Men Of Magnum (MOM) = Quick, Scholesinator, Who Killed Kenny, Iron Mike, Floor Burn Phil, and Captain Magnum
* DIABOLICAL And Dastardly (DAD) = Captain Jack Strap, Swoop, EX-Smoker Bob, Pat's Steaks, Bank'in Bowers, and The Giant Lipper
* 13th Man Rover = Gary US Bonds

So it was a DAD vs. MOM Battle of the "Sexes", nothing like Bobby Riggs vs. Billie Jean King in 1973 (does anyone remember 1973?). Seemingly void of DIABOLICAL PLANS, DAD vs. MOM just battled it out on the court in Game 1 until they were tied at 11. But then Magnum & Quick concocted a DIABOLICAL PLAN (there is no honor amongst thiefs like Quick) that saw them hit back-to-back deuces to win it for MOM. Men Of Magnum's (MOM's) DIABOLICALNESS continued in Game #2 as they took home the HHI Daily Championship with a victory.

DAD (DIABOLICAL And Dastardly) had had (the DIABOLICAL Double "had") enough by Game 3 and taking a page out of Ike Turner's book--frustratedly decided to "slap the b-itch (MOM) around" which is DIABOLICAL And Dastardly (DAD), but it got them the "W". On to the Iron Man Finale (IMF) with Pastor Ray & the "I Need 2 Strong Men" Lady watching to assure there were No DIABOLICAL Plans, so DAD resorted to playing basketball (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) while taking home the IMF Title and thus Quick & I split up the "HHI Hardware" just like we DIABOLICALLY PLAN to in the TCFL.

But DIABOLICALNESS is evidently a sin, so as post-game penance--the HHIers set up tables/chairs on the Grace/HHI court for what looked to be a MOM Party as there were no DADs names on the floor plan that DAD PO-letti "foremaned" while fittingly being mocked by the likes of the Men of Magnum (MOM).