KEEPING SCORE

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

There was once again (13) HHIers in action this AM including newcomer Rolling Stones Tongue Jarrett (RST-J) who I learned was recruited by Boo Pong. Boo, it's not your fault as we didn't take you through HHI Orientation, but note new players must be approved by the League Office via this HHI Procedure:
* Complete "New Player Proposal (NPP)" form in triplicate
* Get NPP form signed off by all the HHI Founding Fathers
* 3rd copy of NPP goes to New Player for him to show his Mom and say "told you Mom that I'd make it to the big-time"
* 2nd copy is recycled as HHI is environmentally-friendly
* Original is filed by the HHI League Office in a hermetically-sealed mayonnaise jar buried next to Jimmy Hoffa's body

So since it was "our bad" and Boo & RST-J didn't know about the NPP Procedure, he was cleared to play and the Bands (i.e. squads) were selected by who was warming up at either end of the court as follows:

• The Rolling Stones = RST-J, What the Heck, Gary US Bonds, Bank'in Bowers, Mighty Kerr, and Iron Mike
• Led Zeppelin = Jack "Zeppelin Still Rules Rock" Strap, Floor Burn Phil, Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son, Who Killed Kenny, X-Smoker Bob, and the Return of Pat's Steaks
• 13th Man = DJ Jazzy Jones
  

Game 1 saw us KEEPING SCORE manually, although we had to stop the game a few times to synchronize--not because the baskets were coming too quickly, but quite to the contrary. It was close down the stretch while Kenny was on the Led Zepp bench riding X-Smoker Bob like a government mule, but Big Bob doesn't respond well to public ridicule and The Rolling Stones took advantage of the diversion to get the "Satisfaction" of the win.

For Game #2, Nathan "The Semicolon" I-Vath-son was appointed as the SCOREKEEPER (which is an HHI Cabinet Post) so there would be no doubt. Kenny was almost (doesn't count) turned into the Rover by Gary before this game, but he stayed with Led Zepp and led them by example with X-Smoker following along very nicely as they dealt DJ Rover his 2nd loss while tying up the series.

Nathan did a great job KEEPING SCORE in Game 3 expanding his stats, so let me give it to you by the numbers:

• Led Zeppelin shot 26 times, had 7 turnovers, 7 fouls, and a "Shattered" 9 points
• The Rolling Stones took 33 shots, turned it over 10 times, fouled 9 times (those hackers), and scored 15 points (for a "not too shabby" 45% shooting %) with RST-J "sha-doobying" them to the Daily Championship
• Rover DJ avoided the "Rover Jinx" as down the stretch he roved to The Stones after Gary departed so we'll give him a loss & a win
  

That just left the Iron Man Finale (IMF) with Nathan again KEEPING SCORE and the stats don't lie & they're very interesting in that Led Zepp turned it over 12 times (to only 6 for The Stones) & was out-rebounded 19-13 (without X-Smoker), but overcame that by hitting (3) deuces & shooting a net-scorching 60% (12 for 20) in their IMF Title-winning 15-14 victory.

DO THE HOKEY POKER

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

If you're here for HHI's HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO QUICK, that's the next story below but first you'll want to extra, extra read all about the DO THE HOKEY POKER Tournament where a "Sweet 16" were POKERING (i.e. Connor Magnum's word) at the Poletti Brickhouse Hotel high above the strip in Les Portes. We'll start with a Sing Along (without Mitch):
You put your blue chips in
Win & take all the blue chips out
Magnum then put his Big "blind" in
But thankfully he didn't whip it out
You DO THE HOKEY POKER
Where the betting goes around
Relay for Life is what it's all about
A catchy tune as POKER tunes go, but now that we got that out of the way, let's get down to business with the Table assignments:
* Iron's Table (literally it was Iron's Table as he wheeled it up Oak Circle with a hand truck) = Iron Mike, Adam Bomb, Chucky Boy (donning the sweater vest ala OSU's Tressel), Swoop, Stephen "16 Candles" Scholesy, Magnum, DD Bales, and Jack "Of Hearts" Strap
* Defending Champion's Table = DC Gary US Bonds, Scholesinator, Mighty Kerr, Guido-Meister, The Card Shark Barry-cuda, Quick Mike, Sheriff Hacker Bob, and Newcomer Buffalo Bills Mike

At Iron's Table there was "no feeling out process" as unlike the Flyers game that was on, there were more raises than checks and the "pot" sometimes got as large as Cheech & Chong's stash. This high risk play resulted in Iron Mike being all in & 1st out at his own table and there were no bailouts in this DO THE HOKEY POKEY Tournament. Next Stephen Scholes saw his chips disintegrate after a couple of hard luck hands & he was then followed out by the hyper-aggressive betting Steven PO-letti.

Things appeared to be going slower at the Defending Champion, Gary US Bond's, Table but as Led Zeppelin said on their debut album "Your Time is Gonna Come". And so it eventually did for Scholesinator & Barry-cuda & Guido-Meister who were sent to the "Gallows Pole" like in Led Zeppelin III. But I won't "Ramble On" (Led Zepp II) because we need to know who was the next POKERER "Trampled Under Foot" (Physical Graffiti) or who was a victim "When the Levee Breaks" (Led Zepp IV). Well it was "What Is and What Should Never Be" (Led Zepp II) when after surviving two all-ins Jack "Of Hearts" Strap was the next eliminated by that Bully Magnum breaking his streak of (3) consecutive Final Table appearances. Next Mighty Kerr had to leave so he turned his chips over to Swoop who shortly thereafter became a "Stink'in Loser" for the 2nd time.

Thus it was time for the Survivors merge at Iron Mike's Table with an Elite 8 including DC Gary, Birthday Boy Quick Mike, Magnum Mike, Buffalo Bills Fan: Newcomer Mike (from that POKER Hotbed, Sage Drive), DD Bales (who after winning it all the 1st year was out 1st the last 2 years), Adam Bomb, and the two Best Dressed (which got you nothing in this DO THE HOKEY POKER Tournament), Hacker Bob & Chucky Boy.

I'm not exactly sure of the order of elimination but think it was Quick, Magnum, DC Gary, Bales and Hacker leaving a DO THE HOKEY POKER Tournament Three-some of Chuck, Newcomer Mike, and Adam Bomb. By then, Iron Mike had taken over the Dealing with assistance from Quick so things moved "quickly" (which is faster than "ironly") to a pivotal head-to-head featuring Chuck vs. Mike or alternately The Sweater Vest vs. The Bills Hat. But unlike the Buffalo Bills Scott Norwood in Super Bowl XXV, Mike wasn't "wide right" & he took down the Chuckster.

Therefore it was a shorter-stacked Adam Bomb who didn't really like the "Running Rebels" pace that his Dealer Dad had set vs. Mike who then made up for those (4) consecutive Buffalo Bills Super Bowl losses by capturing the DO THE HOKEY POKER Tournament Championship, the coveted Championship Plaque, and the all-important Bragging Rights.

So in the final analysis--The DO THE HOKEY POKER Tournament raised $400 for the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life while everyone seemed to have fun which is a Win-Win or a Win-Win-Win if you're Buffalo Mike.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO QUICK

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO QUICK
He Yanked On His Dick
It Gave Him A Groin Pull
And He Couldn't Play Hoops

So without the BIRTHDAY Boy QUICK to be a Captain, his Cabana Boy Bales stepped in along with Iron Mike to form these HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO QUICK franchises:
* HAPPY BIRTHDAY = Captain Bales, Swoop, X-Smoker Bob, Scholesinator, Bank'in Bowers, Floor Burn Phil, and Sheriff Hacker Sponge Bob Squarepants
* TO QUICK = Captain Iron, What the Heck, Boo Pong, Who Killed Kenny, Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son, Mighty Kerr, and Your Athletic Supporter

Game 1 started very slowly before Kenny got in the game & hit a deuce which "proved" he could make it at Duke athletically and he would be perfect coming off Coach K's bench when Duke had fouls to give. So Kenny--study up because it'll take over 1400 on your SAT's to get in Duke, but you do have HHI on your resume. This game finished as a Classic with the scored tied at 14 before Jack Strap picked the perfect spot for his only basket of the game to give TO QUICK the win over HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Game#2 saw TO QUICK hammering it inside to Heck who managed to score despite good "D" on him and when HAPPY BIRTHDAY's Captain Bales went down with a bad knee, they were "blowing out the candles" and "wishing" for QUICK, but he was Dunkin Donuts rather than basketballs. So Memo TO QUICK: TO QUICK prevailed to clinch the Daily Championship.

Game 3 was for Pride which HAPPY BIRTHDAY had, but what they didn't have was enough scoring so they ended up going down again on a "two for a quarter" deuce by TO QUICK's Jack "Meoff" Strap.

That just left the Iron Man Finale (IMF) for who was left which didn't include Bales & Hacker, so Mighty traded himself to HAPPY BIRTHDAY which was good for them as he played both ubiquitously & omnipresently. Meanwhile, TO QUICK's Captain Iron was doing most of their scoring which Vath was keeping track of. But at the end, Vath & TO QUICK lost track of Swoop who made them pay with the IMF Title-winning deuce.

That all being said, please join me in Wishing a HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO QUICK Mike!!!

13 IS HHI's LUCKY NUMBER

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

13 IS HHI's LUCKY NUMBER as it's amazing to me how often we end up with that number of players, but interestingly it's an ever-changing cast of characters. For example, there were (6) HHIers not in action last week who were playing today. Oddly, the entire squad of Boo Pong (note Boo finished 11th out of 97 NYC Beer Pong teams, losing in Triple Overtime--who knew there was OT in BP) was back from last week, but only Floor Burn Phil from the opposition.

Outside HHI, there are many who fear the NUMBER 13 which is known as "friggatriskaidekaphobia". I don't frigg'in make this stuff up, nor did I make up that according to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, NC, an estimated 17 to 21 million people in the US are affected by a fear of Friday the 13th. But 13 was a LUCKY NUMBER for A-Rod until he started taking the steroid "Octochokerone" and ask that you Yankee fans read that slowly & weep. Rather than weeping like Yankees fans Swoop & Mighty, Bank'in Bowers & Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son took it upon themselves to be this AM's HHI Captains:
* Bower's Soul Powers = Captain Bank, Hooo Shot JR, Booo Pong, Gary US Bonds, Floor Burn Phil, and Your Athletic Supporter
* Hell Hath No Fury like a Vath Scorned = Captain Vath, Swoop, Iron, What the Heck, X-Smoker Bob, and DJ Jazzy Jones
* LUCKY 13th Man = The Mighty Kerr

Bower's Soul Powers demonstrated the Power of Soul in Game #1 while taking leads of 8-3, 10-5, and 13-8 before finding out 1st hand that even in a church gym, Hell Hath No Fury like a Vath Scorned as his squad came back to win it at the buzzer. But in Game 2--Bower's Power of Soul healed & rejuvenated while once again taking a lead, then losing it to the scorned Vath's, but this time they had the testicular fortitude to win it at the end sparked by the hustle of Floor Burn Phil.

Thus the series was tied, but the Soul Power's JR had turned his ankle & Bowers had no "Operation" doctors to "take out wrenched ankle" nor did Iron Mike have a cortisone shot in his first aid bag although he did have a Al-ish wad of ones. So Bowers traded for Swoop which was ironic because before Bank'in had even picked his team, Swoop predicted that Bower's Team (whoever they were) would lose. Therefore now Swoop could either be Right or a Daily Champion? It appeared that Swoop wanted to a be a DC as he played well early on, but truly Hell Hath No Fury Like a Vath Scorned and his squad just wore down the Soul Powers while taking home the Daily Championship & making Swoop "Right".

That just left a 4-on-4 Iron Man Finale (IMF) with only F.B. Phil & Jack Strap remaining from the original Soul Powers, so they re-signed Swoop & obtained X-Smoker by telling him he could shoot whenever he wanted to. So he did & pretty well, but at the end Big Bob drew the double-team and then hit Your Athletic Supporter with a soulful pass for the IMF Title winning lay-up on the day after Friday the 13th as 13 IS HHI'S LUCKY NUMBER.

STEPHEN'S PENANCE & BOO PONG

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

What did STEPHEN Scholes do wrong that resulted in having to watch HHI for 2 hours? That PENANCE seemed cruel & unusual to me until I uncovered that allegedly STEPHEN had taken & distributed the picture of Michael Phelps smoking the bong. If so, then STEPHEN'S PENANCE seems fair to me as he took down a U.S. Olympic Hero. Since we're talking PENANCE, I have a Confession: when I saw the headline "Phelps caught smoking marijuana" my 1st thought was that it was "Digger". I guess in my brain, Digger's Notre Dame Fighting Irish snapping UCLA's 88 game winning streak ranked higher than Michael's 8 gold medals, although with his lung capacity he may now hold the Guiness Book Record for longest bong hit.

Anyway STEPHEN'S PENANCE involved these squads picked entirely by who was warming up at what side of the court:
* BOO PONG = BOO, Bank'in, Mighty, Iron, DJ Jazzy Jones & Jack Strap
* Zoom Schwartz Profigliano = Scholesy, Ian Rocks, DD Bales, Who Killed Kenny, Floor Burn Phil & Quick Mike
A quick explanation on the team names--Zoom Schwartz Profligliano was a great beer drinking game from our PSU days, whereas Beer PONG is the modern day equivalent. Think if Michael Phelps would have been pictured playing Beer PONG, he would have gotten a Budweiser sponsorship contract, so remember PONG Good, Bong Bad. Anyway, BOO entered a big Beer PONG Tournament in NYC today, thus BOO PONG.

Game 1 saw BOO in a hurry to get on the road to Beer PONG, so he scored the ball well early on. Then later, DJ came up big as BOO PONG prevailed. On to Game#2 with Zoom Schwartz playing Old School Basketball while appearing to be on the verge of victory when Bank & BOO hit back-to-back deuces and then BOO scored the game-winner down low for BOO PONG's Daily Championship win.

Game 3 was only for Pride, but STEPHEN'S PENANCE still required him to watch it. I believe he was warned not to look directly at the HHI action or he could develop glaucoma, although that is treatable in CA. with Phelps Bong & in PA. with Beer PONG. BOO PONG won again after which BOO explained Beer PONG to Bales who responded "let me get this straight, you can either win money or get to drink all the beers on your side of the table--that's a win-win so I'm in". Thus BOO & Bales quickly headed off to NYC to team up against like 176 other teams in the Double Elimination Beer PONG Tournament today.

So that just left 10 players & the Iron Man Finale (IMF) which saw BOO-less PONG looking for the Sweep, but although they were close--that doesn't count in Beer PONG or HHI Basketball as Zoom Schwartz Profigliano prevailed for the IMF Title and then PENANCED STEPHEN got out of there as quickly as he could without taking any incriminating HHI pictures.