JOHN & DATES PLUS 108

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

With the public implosion of Jon & Kate Plus 8, the TLC producers were looking for a new reality show and this AM @ Da Hills filmed the Pilot episode of JOHN & DATES PLUS 108. JOHN will be jointly played by HHI Founding Fathers: Scholesy & Lipper, although neither could shoot today (TV & B-Ball pun intended), but it wasn't because they were having an affair (alleged) with a 23-year old school teacher. DATES is X-Smoker Bob Dato as the producers wanted to continue with the Wyomissing connection. As for 108, I told TLC that several years ago we had come up with 100 players who had played with HHI & figured we added atleast 8 since then.

HHI was on life support a few weeks back & had to be resussitated by Dr. Collin, but today with the cameras rolling--17 players showed up looking for their 15 minutes of fame. The paparazzi also came across town for the HHI Pilot, although HHI's old guy fan from last year--Papa Razzi wasn't in this episode. Today's JOHN & DATES PLUS 108 Captains were Shiery the Science Guy-ry, Car-Marsh-Mellow, Magnum, and Your Athletic Supporter who created these virtual franchises:
* Tatt-Man-Doo's = Captain Magnum, Quick Mike, Here Comes Joey Late, and Diggetty Doug Bales
* Calling Out Shiery = Captain Marsh, Gary US Bonds, Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son, and Pitt Band Paul Bowers
* Mrs. Marsh's Successor = Captain Shiery, Bank'in Bowers, DJ Jazzy Jones, Mighty Kerr, and Prince Ali Wonderful-He Ali A-Bowers
* Reality Retreads = Captain Jack "Will Get You High Tonight" Strap, Iron Mike, Who Killed Kenny, and X-Smoker Bob DATES

The Round-Round Robin Goes Hacker Bob-Bob-Bobbin Along Tournament started with the producers creating intrigue by separating Shiery & Marsh who had "Called Out" Shiery last week, so it was the Reality Retreads taking on Calling Out Shiery & Mrs. Marsh's Successor vs. Tatt-Man-Doo's. The Reality Retreads Zone "D" slowed down Marsh & Co. which along with a patient passing offense had them on the verge of victory before two late turnovers led to Calling Out Shiery fastbreak buckets for the 11-9 win. But Tatt-Man-Doo's Magnum screwed up the TLC Marsh-Shiery in Championship Game script by hitting (3) deuces, which is a new HHI record for guys with tattoos (Tattoo Pierce had held the record), as they defeated Shiery (a.k.a. Mrs. Marsh's Successor). After the game, Magnum playing the "bad assss" role, flashed his "titt for a tatt" to the TLC cameras.

So the Stink'in Losers switched courts for JOHN & DATES PLUS 108's Round 2 where the Marsh-Shiery match-up turned out to be more of a conflict than a war as it ended fairly quickly with Calling Out Shiery prevailing without intrigue. But the Reality Retreads & Tatt-Man-Doo's saved the show by engaging in an epically exhausting battle that spanned both courts and finally (and I mean finally) ended with an 11-9 Tatt-Man-Doo's win.

So the JOHN & DATES PLUS 108 had both a Daily Championship & a Stink'in Losers Championship which is good for ratings. In the Stink'in Losers Bracket, the exhausted Reality Retreads were walloped in short order by Mrs. Marsh's Successor which gave them plenty of time to mug for the cameras while watching the DC. The tired Tatt-Man-Doo's fell behind early vs. Calling Out Shiery, but then showed testicular fortitude by reaching down deep and coming back strong. Then with the score tied at 10, both teams had their chances but it was Joey (who had biked in late although just in time to be drafted by Magnum) slashing to the basket for the game-winner right after which the JOHN & DATES PLUS 108 Director yelled "Cut".

WHERE AMAZING HAPPENS (on occasion)

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

The HHI Playoffs--WHERE AMAZING HAPPENS (on occasion) were on tap with the Finals this Memorial Morning. But first let's bring you up to date leading up to the Finals, in the West Semis it was the favored Leesport Lakers including Heck, Iron, Swoop & Magnum losing to the Golden Nuggets as Coach was a bigger pain in Magnum's assss than his hemorroids. In the East, Kerry's Cavaliers routed Hacker Magic as LeBob Dates fouled out Shiery the Science Guy-ry, Gary US Bonds, and Hacker himself and Phil missed a lot of game time when his Knee Scab busted open & the blood ran down his leg. So this AM was HHI's WHERE AMAZING HAPPENS (on occasion) Finals with these starting line-ups:

• Kerry Cavaliers = LeBob Dates, DJ Jazzy Jones, Pistol Pete, and Mighty Kerr
• Golden Nuggets = Car-Marsh-Mellow, Who Killed Kenn-Nene, Coach Bill, and Your Athletic Supporter

NBA Series may be 7 games, but that's over like 2 weeks whereas the HHI WHERE AMAZING HAPPENS (on occasion) Finals were a Best of 5 Series--all on Memorial Day--I know, that's AMAZING. In Game 1, the betting was heavy on Kerry's Cavaliers vs. the Underdog Golden Nuggets who replied "there's no need to fear, Underdog is here". And just like Underdog always defeated Simon Bar Sinister, the Nuggets defeated Kerry's Cavaliers. Then in Game #2, the Nuggets were again Golden & AMAZING as the Cavs became the Cav-Nots in a 115-109 loss, although oddly DJ claimed a moral victory because he "out-ran" Car-Marsh-Mellow for a long loose ball which was maybe a signal that this Series would be over easy (like a good egg breakfast).

Game 3 moved to the Cavaliers home court which looked a lot like the Nuggets court as imitation is the purest form of flattery and this continued on the court as the Cavs imitated the Nuggets well while scrambling them on a sunny side up day to get back into the Series. Game #4 saw the Cavs clicking on all cylinders as LeBob James' teammates proved they can play at an AMAZING level too as the Nuggets worst nightmare was realized--they had to play yet another game.

So the Game 5 WHERE AMAZING HAPPENS (on occasion) Finale was on a neutral court @ Da Hills and all the HHI Fans (& their dogs) walking by got their money's worth as this was the closest game of the day. The lead changed hands frequently until it was finally 113-113 which was the perfect occasion for AMAZING to HAPPEN which it did when DJ Jazzy Jones nailed a deuce at the "buzzer" as Kerry's Cavaliers captured the HHI Championship.

DR. COLLIN RESUSSITATES HHI

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

HHI looked to be on life support as they didn't play at all last weekend, couldn't even draw ten players the week before that, Scholesinator was still injured, and Magnum has 'roids ("hemor" not "ster"). In addition, Commish Wojo-Mojo was totally distracted by the Wyomissing Parade, dirty HHI politics & his son Nick's wedding today. But into the HHI leadership void stepped Commissioner Emeritus COLLIN who today played DR. COLLIN and RESUSSITATED HHI. He brought along Dr. Old School & the paddles and when he yelled "Clear" it was clear that HHI was alive & well with (14) players in action including (and you're not going to believe this) Tim Lender Bender-over & Johnny Be Pretty Good. Swoop & I were so excited that we volunteered to be the Captains and selected these COLLIN-inspired virtual franchises:

• Go Home = X-Smoker Bob, Johnny Be Pretty Good, Mighty Kerr, Bank'in Bowers, Gary US Bonds, DJ Jazzy Jones, and Your Athletic Supporter
• E*Trade Babies = Swoop, Iron Mike, Lender Bender, Quick Mike, Stay-Puff Marsh-mellow, DD Bales, and Sheriff Hacker Sponge Bob Square Pants

Game 1 reverse psychology strategies included Go Home ignoring their height advantage and going to their outside game rather than their inside game while the E*Trade Babies amazingly decided to run rather than crawl-walk. Of course this made for some "interesting" basketball & outtakes including two Go Home players colliding while trying to break-up a fastbreak pass, leading to an easy E*Trade Babies score. If you like outtakes & the real E*Trade Babies, there are some real laughs at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8Ev5HgGACg. But seriously, "chicks dig the long ball" and this game saw Go Home hitting a half-dozen deuces on their way to victory.

Game 2 was another spirited game with Johnny & Bender playing a lot better than you'd expect from guys who haven't shown up at HHI for years (thinking if I give them some press, they may show up again). Like last game when Go Home thought they had won with the usual to 15 score only to find Hacker had made it to 21 where they won "again", this time the E*Trade Babies were first to 15 and then won "again" at 21 on a Swoop deuce (thinking if I give him some press, he may not be in FL so many weekends).

At that point, the players looked pretty tired and I was thinking about calling DR. COLLIN back to RESUSSITATE HHI for the Daily Championship Game to 21. But they all "courageously" played on until Bender unfortunately went down with a wrenched ankle while battling down low with the player formerly known as X-Smoker who for this game inexplicably changed his name to "Gray Squirrel". Bender left with Swoop's shirt (which now evens things out as Swoop has had Bender's Ball for years) and was replaced by Marsh-2 who along with Marsh-1, as it really felt like there were 2 of them out there, went on a "stock market" run that had the E*Trade Babies "flexing their golden pipes" all the way to the HHI Daily Championship.

HOPE FOR A CURE

By Your Relay for Life & Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

We had HOPED to play Hoops @ Da Hills this AM, but for the 1st time in I can't remember when (Note my memory is slipping with age)--there were no games this weekend, although Sheriff Hacker Sponge Bob Square Pants & Gary US Bonds were ready to go and we had the broom CURE for the couple puddles on the court. So I used my time windfall to hear from our Team Poletti Captains regarding what happened at this year's Relay for Life (RfL) which I had missed due to a business meeting in Cascais, Portugal. Others MIA included Quick Mike who was vacationing in FL, Mighty Kerr whose son Joe was graduating from Penn State, and Reitzy who was at daughter Diana's Elizabethtown College graduation.

They had what sounded like the best weather of the (5) RfL's that we have participated in which would have been a big deal for me, but doesn't matter for extreme campers like Scholesy who was there despite a wrenched ankle. Also in attendance through out the Relay were the Poletti Kids Lauren & Christine with Lipper, Brother Craiger, Young Justin & Stephanie (who didn't have to play pregnant this year). Iron Mike (with Pure Carbon Corinne) was there for Saturday's Rise & Shine Volleyball & Ross also showed up Saturday with the Donations he had raised at his Poker Tournament which provided HOPE FOR A CURE. Speaking of HOPE FOR A CURE, Swoop noted this year that the luminary bags in the SVHS stands spelling out HOPE were then by switching some bags around changed to CURE which sounded visionally inspiring. The windless weather also allowed 90% of the luminary bags in the stands & around the track to burn brightly until morning.

As the bags luminated after midnight, a depleted Team Poletti (whose calls to Magnum & Heck went unanswered) galliantly fought to defend their Tug-of-War Title against the likes of the Reading Hospital (who we literally upset last year) who looked to be on steroids which Team Poletti good guys didn't say a word about while RH's Loud Mouth Lemon Girl (which was Un-Kool-Aid) had Anchorman Craiger's spikes disqualified which forced him to do one tug barefoot. In brackets that sounded like they were made up by F'In Ross (reference Reitzy & My Batchelor Party Bubble Hockey Tourney), Team Poletti made it further than Reading Hospital but it was Riverside Credit Union defeating the SVHS "Football Team" (who the brackets made them tug like 10 times) in the TofW Finale. RH's Loud Mouth Lemon Girl did manage another win this year in the Silly Hat Contest, but TP's Justin is already plotting to take her down next year. Team Poletti did win the Hula Hoop & Diaper Dandy (Diane-dretti Poletti, do you have any pictures of that?) Relays over night.

But come Sunrise Saturday, it was finally time for the Main Event as the 4-Time Team Poletti Volleyball Champions of the World went for "a ring for the thumb" despite their depleted line-up. RH's Loud Mouth Lemon Girl surprised them a bit by entering a team this year (surely filled with Ringers) and there were some other good teams, but I was thrilled to hear as I had HOPED that with some close wins--Team Poletti valiantly defended our Volleyball Championship against all odds.

But the real HOPE FOR A CURE comes from the Relay for Life donations to the American Cancer Society and Team Poletti raised a respectable amount this year (the 2nd highest total in our 5 years participating), but the big news was that Reading Hospital wasn't the #1 Fund-Raiser this year with Loud Mouth Lemon Girl calling for a recount. Although the much bigger news was that the total raised by all the SVHS Relay for Life Teams exceeded the event goal which is wonderful. So on behalf of our Team Poletti Captains--we'd like to Thank All of you who contributed noting that our Poletti Family & Friends Team has raised a whopping $30K over the (5) years we've been doing this!

HHI ATTENDANCE DOWN

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

I don't know if it's HHI's aging population, the impact of the worldwide economic downturn, or some were afraid of seeing Magnum's Titt-Tatt (related story below) but HHI ATTENDANCE was DOWN with only nine (9) players at Grace this AM and that included Stay-Puff Marsh-mellow Man who had to leave early for T-Ball (heard he has A-Rod like stats without steroids or stolen signs). But despite ATTENDANCE being DOWN, HHI played on with these virtual franchises:

• Four-Dimensional = Iron Mike, Quick Mike, Boo Pong, and Your Athletic Supporter
• Fo-Fo-Fo = What the Heck, X-Smoker Bob, Bank'in Bowers, and Swoop
• Da Rover = A-Rod Marsh
  

But before we get to the basketball, let me answer the question that I'm sure is on everyone's mind--given that humans only visualize three dimensions, how is it possible to visualize four dimensional? This question is the underlying idea of a short novel written over a 100 years ago by Edwin A. Abbot called Flatland. Flatland is a story about two-dimensional creatures-- triangles, squares, circles and other polygons--that live on a plane. The story goes that one of the squares is visited by a three-dimensional object, a sphere. The sphere explains to the square the existence of four-dimensional objects, and ways in which the square can understand the form of such objects. If you don't want to read "Flatland", hold out for the Disney movie.

Anyway, now that you understand Four-Dimensional--I hope I don't have to explain that "Fo-Fo-Fo" was Moses Malone's famous playoffs quote in 1983 when the 76ers swept (almost) to the NBA Championship, but enough about the team names as despite HHI ATTENDANCE being DOWN, there was a Game #1 today. And this was a good game as Four-Dimensional with Marsh became the 5th Dimension who expected to go "Up, Up and Away to Aquarius", but Fo-Fo-Fo had another idea which was of course a Sweep. Something had to give, especially after yours truly hit a deuce to tie it at 14. But then Moses or was it Doctor J or maybe Mo Cheeks or ??? scored the game-winner for Fo-Fo-Fo.

On to Game 2 where Fo-Fo-Fo with Marsh became "Fiv-Fiv-Fiv" and rushed to a Fiv to 0 lead after X-Smoker was benched by Billy C (aka Heck). From there, Four-Dimensional tried to comeback with deuces but they were too little, too late as it was 1983 all over again with Fo-Fo-Fo sweeping to the Daily Championship.

So with A-Rod Marsh gone, the HHI Elite 8 ATTENDANCE decided to just finish with an Iron Man Finale to 21. Boo Pong was in a bit of a hurry with a Beer Pong Tourney this afternoon in Rockville, MD where he'll try to move up from his #22 ranking & as you can see below, they have cool team names too.
May 2009 Maryland State Rankings Poll Results

View the JanuaryFebruaryMarchAprilMayJuneJulyAugustSeptemberOctoberNovemberDecember 20092008 doublessingles rankings poll results

Poll Ranking	Team	#1 Votes	Trend
1	Wet Ballz	12
2	We're Comin' To Getcha	1
3	Team Miller Time	-
4	Carlton Banks	1
5	Who's In Your Mouth?	-
6	McAllister	-	Is that where Coach Bill has been?
7	WILDCARD	-
8	Redonkulous	-
9	Drunkenballers	-
10	Just Give Up Now	-
11	We're Going Overtime	-
12	Epsilon 7	-
13	Chugsters	-
14	Team Swagga	-
15	What, What? In the Cup	-
16	Get Mitch Or Die Tryin'	-
17	Wee-Bey Brice	-
18	That Shit Ain't Right	-
19	Dixie Normous	-
20	Cream Your Jeans	-
21	Chug Life	-
22	The Pong Show	-
23	Fuck Duke	-
24	5 Peez Nugget Mayne	-
25	Hands of God	-

So Four-Dimensional hurried behind (3) Boo Pong deuces to a probably insurmountable 9-4 lead before Fo-Fo-Fo sensing their "Sweep" was in real Jeopardy, changed the game to Wheel of Fortune where they liked to "buy a vowel". The vowel was an "o" which changed "Sweep" to "Swoop" who then inexplicably ran into his own man (Heck) after which, like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack, Swoop said "I think it's hyper-entended" as he probably figured it would be too obvious to say "broken". So with HHI ATTENDANCE DOWN, there was nobody to replace him and because Four-Dimensional hadn't gotten to 11--the game didn't count & Swoop kept his Sweep.

So aren't you (i.e. those who stayed at home today) sorry you missed all of the above excitement & brought HHI ATTENDANCE DOWN? That is a question that only you can answer by showing up at a new day & new time & new venue due to the Relay for Life--that's next Sunday @ 10am @ Da Hills.

A TITT FOR A TATT

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

That's Magnum's TITT FOR A TATT and here's the story behind it:
Magnum: ok so I've always wanted a tattoo, and have waited long enough... I celebrate the year of my 50th birthday with several. And at this moment, Connor has 1, and Margaux's planning her first. The only house rules that apply are these.... think hard about where you're putting it... it's there for life, and something profound and or deeply meaningful to you.

Of course it created an internet "buzz":
Carlotta: nice lookin' left boob! (Editor's Note: that's a TITT)
Karen Miller: I didn't realize you were so badass!
Magnum: Well... ya know girl..datz how we roll in do hood here at Spring Ridge! ya feeln me (Editor's Note: a profound & deeply meaningful response)
Alison: i have to agree with the badass comment...two tats in less than what, a month??? you are the dude from black rock, the whole bag of chips, u da man, etc...you get my drift...are there any piercings in your future (Editor's Note: would a tongue piercing make him any less outspoken?)
Laura: Ok, Mr. "Badass", next trip to NYC...am taking your lilly white khaki wearing, suburban gangsta self to Malcolm X Blvd and droppin' your ass off...will sell tickets... will be fun! (Editor's Note: Great Idea, no fouls called on Malcolm X Blvd)

So the next time Magnum's TITT shows up at HHI, you can see his TATT.

HHI SURVIVORS

By Your Cancer SURVIVOR, Swoop PO-letti

HHI has become a survivor’s league. This week Miss Quick was a no-show. I assumed it was due to the minor injury he suffered last week; Magnum insisted it was because Quick’s tampon was in crooked.

Speaking of survivors, there was a discussion as to which was the best real survivor show - Survivorman or Man vs Wild. I say it’s no contest. Survivorman goes out on his own and films himself. The British guy in Man vs Wild has a camera crew and sleeps in hotels.

So with that thought in mind, captains Marsh & Swoop chose the following teams:

Survivormen: Heck, Bankin, DJ, Knee Scab Phil, Mighty and Captain Swoop

Men vs Wild: Smoke-Free Bob, Iron, Magnum, the two Bankin Boys and Captain Marsh

Game one saw what has to be the highest shooting percentage ever in an HHI game. After five minutes, both teams had to take a break just to figure out the score because the baskets were dropping so quickly. Although the Survivormen jumped out to the early lead, back came Men vs Wild lead by the virtually unconscious shooting of Captain Marsh, who carried them to a 15-13 victory in game 1.

Game 2 saw Men vs Wild jump out to the early 8-1 lead and hold off the Survivormen's comeback attempt for another 15-13 victory.

But just like in their respective shows, the real survivors emerge when thirst and fatigue takes over. While the Men vs Wild crew was sipping Perrier, the Survivormen played through their thirst to win game 3. To prove it was no fluke they lined up again for a fourth and final game. Once again the Men vs Wild crew was busy having lunch with the camera crew while the Survivormen led by Heck’s 3 consecutive two balls won the Survivor Man Finale.

Check your email for next week’s time and location, so you too can test your basketball survival skills.