FRENCH OPEN

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Tennis' version of the FRENCH OPEN is played on clay in Gay Paris (pronounced Pare-eee) while this AM, HHI's more masculine FRENCH OPEN version was played on the hardwoods of Grace Gym on Old Lancaster Pike (a.k.a. the home of Bin Laden) with Boo (a.k.a. Papa Du Mac which in English is "Mac Daddy") and Gary US Bonds (which in English is "Gary US Bonds") creating these Teams:
* Papa Du Macs = Captain Boo, Ian Rocks (back in action after a long layoff), Diggetty Doug Bales (back in action after a not as long as Ian layoff), DJ Jazzy Jones, Quick Mike, and Your Athletic Supporter
* Gary Merci Bocu's = Captain Gary, Scholesinator, Floor Burn Phil, Iron Mike, Mighty Kerr, and Who Killed Kenny
* 13th Man = X-Smoker Rover

Game 1 of the FRENCH OPEN saw Boo shooting well early and Ian Rocks & D.D. Bales coming back strong from their injuries and being instrumental (note this isn't a musical term) in Papa Du Macs victory with Ian rim-rolling in the game-winner from point blank range.

Statistically analyzing Game #2, Papa Du Macs' Quick Mike (a.k.a. Rapide Michel) Assists-to-Turnovers Ratio was incalculatable at Zero-to-I lost track, but he invented the Shots-to-Passes Ratio while passing on the latter (pun intended) & specializing in the former as he shot Papa Du Macs to the Daily Championship.

Game 3 of the FRENCH OPEN was for nothing but pride, so I wasn't surprised when Boo & Bob's "keep it light" pre-game discussion was about Sassy Cassy who they explained was a 2'7" 'little person' who performs @ Al's Diamond Cabaret, so you might call her a "tiny dancer" (arh, arh, arh). For those of you who never heard of Al's, a Cabaret refers to a Mediterranean-style brothel — a bar with tables and women who mingle with and entertain the clientele. Oh yea, the Papa Du Macs won this game too.

In the Iron Man Finale (IMF), Gary Merci Bocu's Kenny had enough of losing and started to "Kill" the Papa Du Macs from all over the court (who was guarding him?), but this was a masculine version of a FRENCH OPEN IMF and it was to 31 (yes, 31) and down the stretch the Papa Du Macs "executed their offensive sets to perfection" (don't think I've ever typed that phrase before) while garnering the IMF Title & being dubbed the FRENCH OPEN Mac Daddies.

PEAKING AT THE RIGHT TIME

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Captain Todd picked his team while being simultaneously stretched by fellow Captains JR & Marsh and if I didn't know better I would have thought I was at a "Sausage Fest". But our straight guys had 12 homophobes to choose from plus Your Athletic Supporter who like Nigel Powers from Goldmember only hates 2 things--"people who are intolerant of other people and the Dutch". Anyway, they created these virtual franchises:
* Marsh's Mellow Fellows = Captain Marsh, Swoop, Mighty, X-Smoker Bob, and Jack Strap
* JR's Southfork Ranchers = Captain Hooo Shot JR, Floor Burn Phil, Iron Mike, Magnum, and Booo Mike Tice
* Ton of Pain = Captain Free Ride Todd Pain-Ton, Gary US Bonds, Quick Mike, DJ Jazzy Jones, and Who Killed Kenny
* Sweet 16th Rover = Bank'in Bow-Bow-Bowers

Round 1 of the Round-Round-Robin Goes Hacker Bob-Bob-Bob'in Along Tournament featured JR's Ranchers vs. Marsh and his Mellow Fellows who hit 1-2-3-what are we fighting 4 deuces to win it big. Ton of Pain then entered "the ring" to dish it out, but then ended up taking it from Marsh's Mellow Fellows (MMF) when Jack Strap nailed the game-winning deuce at the buzzer as the MMF was PEAKING AT 2-0, but was it THE RIGHT TIME. This Round ended with a "Guinness" brilliant pass from DJ for the winning lay-up for Ton of Pain over JR's.

Round 2's Opener between JR's Southforkers & the MMF got intense as the normally Mellow Fellow Swoop was upset because he felt he was undercut (see what happens when you jump) and then JR accused him of setting a moving pick & charging which can't be charged as a felony like assault & battery, but are serious accusations nonetheless. JR's got the 1-point win, but Swoop got the last word which I think was "south fork you JR". Next the felonious Ton of Pain unleashed a Rodney King-like beat-down of epic proportions upon the MMF who obviously hadn't PEAKED AT THE RIGHT TIME in Round 1. The Round Finale saw Ton of Pain make like the Eagles in their season finale crushing of the Cowboys from Dallas which is where the Southfork Ranchers reside.

The Finale Round 3 proved that Ton of Pain was PEAKING AT THE RIGHT TIME as they won two more to finish at 5-1 and take home the Daily Championship. DC DJ threatened to break into my HHI BLOG (is that a felony?) if I didn't mention his defensive highlight when he & I quote "blocked his brother-in-law Bob back to yesterday" which resulted in the X-Smoker sitting down to rest up for tomorrow (because he then thought it was Friday--aah forget it).

That just left a Dirty Dozen (down from a Sweaty 16) for the Iron Man Finale which was largely Marsh's Mellow Fellows who added the Mellow Kerr vs. Ton of Pain with Iron Mike who was their leading scorer in a nice comeback win. The IMFers were then rewarded by Pastor Ray & Church Lady (well, isn't that special) with CD's & Buffalo Jerky (Buffalo meat has a rich, beef-like taste. Being lower in cholesterol and calories yet higher in iron and protein makes buffalo a perfect beef substitute for the health-conscious like HHIers who want to PEAK AT THE RIGHT TIME).

HHI's INAUGURATION GAMES

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

You won't see it on the Final OBAMA INAUGURATION Schedule, but Barack originally planned to play Hoops this AM in HHI's INAUGURATION GAMES. Unfortunately an FBI Agent by the code name of "Caddyshack" raised the Threat Level on Old Lancaster Pike to "Red" after reports in this BLOG that Osama Bin Laden may be hiding out in the Grace Gym area, so the President-to-be went to ride on a train out of Philly (no security threats there) instead.

Without Obama, HHI chose Obobma (Hacker) & Obowma (Bank'in) as the Captains (a position that Barack rates higher than Vice President) and they in turn chose these HHI INAUGURATION GAMES franchises:
* Justice Dept. = Captain Sheriff Hacker Bob, Free Ride Todd, Iron Mike, Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son, Gary US Bonds & Your Athletic Supporter
* Dept. of Defense = Captain Bow-Bow-Bowers, X-Smoker Bob, Booo Mike Tice, Quick Mike, Scholesinator, and Floor Burn Phil
* Roving Dept. of Health = The now healthy Mighty Kerr

INAUGURATION GAME #1 saw the Justice Dept.'s Free Ride Todd playing like Chief Justice of the Paint (CJotP) and the Dept. of Defense (DoD) had no weapons that could stop him as he led the Justice Dept. to the win. It was more of the same in INAUGURATION GAME 2 as just for a change of scenery F.R. Todd went outside to hit the Daily Championship-winning deuce.

The Dept. of Defense was visibly upset when Todd had to depart (especially Boo & Bob) before HHI's INAUGURATION GAME #3, but they got over it very quickly, but but (there it is, that "dreaded double but" or what some call an "Oprah") unfortunately the Justice Dept. didn't as the DoD took this INAUGURATION GAME for Pride.

That just left HHI's INAUGURATION Iron Man Final (IMF) GAME to 21 during which the Dept. of Defense unveiled the B-52's, not the Bombers (although they did hit a few 2-balls) but rather the new wave rock band that sung Rock Lobster & Love Shack. Not really but the Dept. of Justice played this IMF INAUGURATION GAME like they had beehive hairdoos & made more turnovers than a pastry chef as the DoD took home the last IMF Title before Barack Obama is sworn in as our 44th President.

MAGNUM'S 50th BIRTHDAY BASH

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

MAGNUM'S 50th BIRTHDAY BASH started with some pre-game "Well Wishes":
QUICK: I cannot believe you're 50 years old! I think I speak for all of us when I say that you don't play like a 50 year old. I guess what I'm saying is that you act like a child most of the time so hopefully, your maturity level will soon catch up to your age.
COACH: Magnum, as you may remember, I gave u ur BD gift last Saturday. Here, allow me to help u recall...I was guarding u, u were 'camped' out in the lane for what seemed like 50 seconds..the ball was passed to u...u went up 4 the shot -- but u never got it off...I clearly & cleanly blocked your shot...however u looked at me, beaten & teary eyed...Yes, I did call "the foul"
VATH: Is the HHI foul limit on an age based scale? i.e. Do you get more fouls when you hit 50?
MAGNUM: ohhh that's funny! We'd have to check the bylaws, but judging by those already 50, I think that means I get to camp out around the 3 pt line & jack up 3 point shots all game and play no defense
QUICK: As quoted by Ten Bears in the movie The Outlaw Josie Wales, "These things you say we will have, we already have". Basically, You do those things already!
VATH:"Pats Steaks" is 50?
BONI: I have a few comments/observations I would love to make about your condition and the current quality of your game, but I am in no position to hand out shots.
MAGNUM: Boni, you old fossil, where have u been?!!
BOWERS: Pastor Ray may want to start-up a Seniors League, so you now qualify. Although the scuttlebut from the church sleepover kids is that you got a "T" and should be excommunicated from the (church) league. I'll light a candle for you.
MAGNUM: U think a candle's going to work for me?? Better make it a torch!!

So after MAGNUM blew out all his candles/torches while celebrating his 50th BIRTHDAY yesterday, he ended up with a sore groin (speculate if you must), but he wasn't going to miss his HHI BIRTHDAY BASH. He was of course named a Captain & decided to pick against Gary US Bonds who he could trust wouldn't take advantage if early Alzheimers set in & they ended up with these MAGNUM'S 50th BIRTHDAY BASH squads:
* BIRTHDAY "Boys" = Quick Mike, Bank'in Bowers, Radon Rader, What the Heck, Jack Strap, and Captain MAGNUM
* B-DAY Party Crashers = Captain Gary, Hooo Shot JR, DJ Jazzy Jones, Coach Bill, Iron Mike, and Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son
* 13th Man Rover = Who Killed Kenny

Game 1 saw MAGNUM deciding at 50, contrary to above pre-game banter, that he wasn't going to just hang around the deuce-line & jack up shots--make no mistake, he didn't hesitate to fire from long-range, but he also took the toughest defensive assignment on the eyepatch-less JR. This was MAGNUM'S 50th BIRTHDAY BASH, with the key word being "BASH" as it was a knock-down, drag-out battle of attrition, but at the end the BIRTHDAY "Boys" BIRTHDAY "Boy" MAGNUM hit the game-winning deuece.

Game #2 of the BASH saw Quick nailed in the eye by Iron who said it was an accident which I don't doubt, but for the more skeptical note that Iron has been training with Kermit Cintron. Although Quick returned for MAGNUM'S BIRTHDAY Boys, they lost Radon Rader to injury, but not before he hit (2) deuces to spark the BIRTHDAY Boys as they won the Daily Championship which doubled as a present to MAGNUM for his 50th BIRTHDAY.

The 3rd game saw DJ having to depart with an undisclosed injury and Vath getting gashed, but like Jesse "The Body" Ventura in Predator "he didn't have time to bleed" and thus re-entered the game after getting taped up. Despite those problems, the B-DAY Party Crashers seemed intent on Crashing the BASH, but MAGNUM'S BASH Buddy--What the Heck wasn't going to let that happen as he willed the BIRTHDAY Boys to the vic-tor-y.

That just left the Iron Man Finale (IMF) to 11 (note the BASH had taken it's toll) which saw the B-DAY Party Crashers jump to the lead behind 1-2-3 Coach deuces--proving again that there is life after 50 which inspired Jack Strap (who will be 50 this year) to swish in a "Pat-ranger" to tie it at 10 before Heck won it for the BIRTHDAY Boys as they added the IMF Title to MAGNUM'S 50th BIRTHDAY BASH.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

My pre-game story lines were blown when neither Swoop (Vikings vs. Eagles) nor Radon Rader (U R DeD mT) showed, but I did have (15) other Hoopsters to work with as well as our beloved Commissioner Emeritus Collin. So rather than report on the games upfront, I'm going with My NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS for that "Sweet" 16:
* Old School Bruce & Collin = show up more often because you're the only ones in this league who I actually like
* Quick Mike = don't bad-mouth the Coaching/Captaining of JoePa, Coach or Kenny
* Who Killed Kenny = develop Coach's mentality of continuing to fire up deuces even after missing your 1st 10
* Coach Bill = shed your "cheapskate" image by showing up every week and paying your & my $6
* Gary US Bonds = get others to follow your trend of paying ahead for future HHI weeks by telling them their money isn't safe in Iron's VIST bank
* Iron Mike = give the stack of 1's we trusted you with to Team Poletti's Relay for Life, rather than Al's Diamond Cabaret
* Floor Burn Phil = stop diving for loose balls while making me feel old as I have trouble just bending down to pick them up
* Bank'in Bowers = continue to go to high school games to study "travelling" rather than to the Caddy School
* Booo Mike Tice = wear your goofy hat at all times as it may help your game and is also good for the cold & flu season
* X-Smoker Bob = don't tell everyone to not pass you the ball as you need it to shoot it
* DJ Jazzy Jones = after the Eagles beat your Vikings, switch allegiances to Philadelphia so you can attend the Championship Parade
* Scholesinator = have the best TCFL Championship Party in the history of the league
* What the Heck = whenever it snows Friday night, get up early & plow everyone's routes to Grace especially "Crash" Quick
* Hooo Shot JR = HHI really isn't about good players, so take your game down a notch by playing with a pirate eye patch and/or one of those heavy lead x-ray "vests"
* Magnum = continue to infuriate SVHS fans by putting "Go Wilson" messages on your Insurance Co. sign & bring your books to HHI so when we don't need you--you can study to make Wilson High Honors again

Oh yea, the winners of today's Daily Championship & Iron Man Finale Title were those last (4) guys plus the "brains of the outfit"--their Captain Old School Bruce.

GREAT GRAND-DADDY OF THEM ALL

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Pastor Ray got his best Grace New Year's sleepover turnout ever as the package included seeing the "world-famous" Hoopsters from Da Hills in action & the capacity crowd wasn't disappointed (at least I didn't personally hear any complaints) as a New Year Nine were in action this AM in the GREAT GRAND-DADDY OF THEM ALL, the HHI Bowl which was as Classic a match-up as today's Rose Bowl featuring:
* The Paragons Of Virtue (POV) = Captain Jack Strap, DJ Jazzy Jones, Quick Mike, and X-Smoker Bob
* The Voices Of Reason (VOR) = Captain Lipper, Magnum, Swoop & Iron Mike
* The Rover = Sheriff Hacker Sponge Bob Squarepants

Game 1 saw DJ looking to impress the young Grace crowd as the youngest of the HHI "GREAT GRAND-DADDY's" and trying to make it the 2009 "Chinese Year of the DJ" following the "Year of the Rat" and other past notables such as the Goat, Monkey, and Rooster. By my estimation, he was successful in both those regards as he led The POV's to the victory including hitting the game-winning shot.

The Roving Hacker switched over to The POV's for Game #2, but in the latter stages he had to switch back to The VOR's when their Captain Lipper went down with a calf injury that Dr. Poletti diagnosed would be too painful to play on, although it didn't look as bad as Quick's SUV which now features part of the bumper of the car that rear-ended him (although Magnum told me that Quick always enjoys a good "rear-ending"). And yes that was Quick's 2nd accident in about a week, but yet he hasn't missed any HHI time and post-accidents has appeared to take his game up a notch as he was a key in The Paragon Of Virtues GREAT GRAND-DADDY OF THEM ALL Daily Championship victory.

So with Lipper ruled "Out" for Game 3, Hacker Bob officially became a Voice of Reason which is kind of ironic because although he's always been a "Voice", "Reason" has never been associated with it but I will say that he's the GREAT GRAND-DADDY OF Us ALL and an HHI "Legend". Anyway, it was more of the same in this game as The POV's ran away with it as X-Smoker Bob (who was shunned in the HHI Draft by Lip) continued to be the foundation that this virtual DC-winning franchise was built around.

That just left the GREAT-GRAND-DADDY OF THEM ALL--the Iron Man Finale (IMF) to 21. Iron Mike in his namesake game, came out hot early & shot The VOR's into the lead, but like a good carving knife The POV's kept chip-chip-chipping away at it until at the end they stuck the dagger in for the IMF Title while sweeping in the new year.

HHI returns to action on Saturday which will feature a Eagles vs. Vikings (if Swoop & DJ have the 'nads to show up) Playoff Special that won't exactly be the GREAT GRAND-DADDY OF THEM ALL, but should nonetheless be entertaining.