SANDY & BAILS & MAGNUM & QUICK

By Diggetty Doug (D.D.) Bails:
About a month ago I was in line at the Post Office and Sandy taps me on the shoulder and asks" Aren't you one of those basketball fellas". I replied "Yes" , Then he asks " Isn't that a picture of another basketball fella" pointing to a picture of Boo on the wall. I am going to turn him in. I told Sandy I would do anything to keep Boo out of jail and to keep the reputation of the HHI at its high standard. We negotiated one date with his daughter, Mandy.

I was to pick up Mandy at 4:00 sharp, so I had to knock off work early. As I was walking up to the house, Emma, Sandy"s wife uttered "Are you letting our daughter go out with him?" Sandy replied "Don't worry, Mandy is too old to get knocked up" When we got in the car Mandy forgot something and went back in the house to get her handicap Parking pass. When we got to the Senior Center, I was able to park in the front row.

As we waited in line for dinner, Mandy assured me this would be a meal you could really sink your teeth into. The meal consisted of Cream Chip Beef, mashed potatoes, creamed corn with a side of applesauce. And yes there was pudding for desert. Dinner conversation at our table was who died in the last week, a hundred and one aches of the human body and who took the most drugs. After dinner, we went to the social hall for Bingo. Everyone was impressed that I could play four cards, while they could only play two until I won the big prize of Efferdent denture cleaner.

It was my lucky day, because there was a band with "live" music next. I learned how to fox trot and Polka. I also saw Hacker Bob and his wife. The band had to quit early, because the Accordian player forgot his medication. They gave everyone a popsicle as a parting gift.

When we got in the car, Mandy wanted my popsicle. she took out her teeth and gummed my popsicle. She fell asleep shortly after that on the way home. When I pulled up to her house, Mandy awoke and we went to the front door. She apologized for falling asleep, but she needed the rest for what was going to happen next and pulled me in the house.

Older women know things, lots of things. Suddenly the bedroom light came on and there stood Sandy in the doorway with a shotgun."Emma come here " he yelled and I quickly got dressed.Emma came into the room and declared " You are going to have to marry her""what is your name boy?" As I stared down the barrel of the shotgun, I calmly replied "Mike Mathias, mam" Sandy said "They call him Magnum" . Mandy added "He sure is" That was the opening I was looking for as I ran out of the house with Sandy yelling "I will get you Magnum".

That is why Sandy has been coming up to the courts, he is looking for Magnum.

Magnum's Reply:
What an incredible turn of events….

I went back the next night, and Emma eagerly invited me in… clearly, she was delighted to see me….Sandy was not at home. Well, as fate would have it, one thing lead to another, and I really wasted no time…. Emma in her state of confusion and utter delight, yelled ….. wow you’re QUICK….. to which I replied Yes Emma I am, and please don’t forget my name this time…. I am Quick Mike!

HHI's HYPERBARIC OXYGEN CHAMBER

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

For those of you who have been concerned about Magnum's non-existence at HHI, I can now disclose to you that our Secret Agent Magnum (SAM) has been on HHI assignment. After SAM lost his HHI job as Director of Indoor Basketball (DIB) due to the Ozzies turf fiasco, the HHI Founding Fathers gave him a special assignment to come up with a way for the aging hoopsters to play for another 18 years & he has discovered it--HHI's HYPERBARIC OXYGEN CHAMBER. HHI's Connor Magnum is trialing it now for his pulled hamstring & maybe could have played last night, but what would have been the point of that considering it was Wilson 60 Reading 0 as reported on in that other Reading publication by HHI's Brian "You Bet Your Sweet Bippy" Rippey. In addition, Founding Father Reitzy has been assigned to be our HHI HYPERBARIC OXYGEN CHAMBER Director of Safety (HOC-DoS for short) as he is our foremost expert on OXYGEN as an Air Products Engineer.

With HHI's HYPERBARIC OXYGEN CHAMBER standing by (see it below) at SAM's Will Blitz Wilson House, HHI was in hoops action with twenty-one (21) players which were drafted as follows:
* Strap's New Names = Captain Jack "Will Get You High Tonight" Strap, Tug of War (Jason), Man o'War (Scott), Chevy Nova, Welcome Matt, and No Ride Todd who like the Buick Skylark (reference to My Cousin Vinny) could never be confused with the Corvette which is Free Ride Todd
* Marsh Creekers = Captain Marsh-mellow Man, Alan "The Question" I-Vath-son, X-Smoker Bob, Mighty Kerr, and Sheriff Hacker Bob
* Junior Non-Achievement = Captain Junior High, Quick Mike, "Wilson-Hater" Bails who therefore isn't welcome in HHI's HYPERBARIC OXYGEN CHAMBER, Coach Bill (aka Mr. Tuesday Night), and the best player in the Tuesday Night League who teaches at Reading where they obviously focus on academics, not football
* Nelly's Furtados = Captain Wooooh Nelly, Nelly the Second, Alexander (without The Great), Iron Mike, Anthony "Boo Pong" Rossignoli

Quickly to the HHI action. In Round 1 it was Man o'War stepping beyond the arc to sink the Marsh Creekers while Nelly's Furtados achieved victory vs. Junior Non-Achievement. The Stink'in Losers then switched courts for Round 2 and proceeded to lose again which goes twice for the Marsh Creekers who played an extra game while Man o'War was very slowly shutting up Junior High.

So on to the Championship Round where first in the stink'in losers bracket, Junior Non-Achievement needed to replace their injured Captain Junior, so they advertised for a loud mouth gimpy guy & Captain Jack Strap was just the man for the job as he "led" Junior Non-Achievement to their 1st achievement of the day. Meanwhile, Captain Jack Strap's New Names (all he could do now was Coach them from the sideline at the end) slugged it out for the Daily Championship (D.C.) where Nelly's Furtados showed them that "All Good Things Come To An End" (click that link for related song). Thus Jack Strap & Nelly Furtados shared the D.C. and whomever has aches & pains & strains after today's hoops can share HHI's HYPERBARIC OXYGEN CHAMBER.

NEVER FORGET 9/11

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

NEVER FORGET 9/11/01

I'll NEVER FORGET 9/11, but let me see if I can remember the (20) players & (4) Teams in action this AM @ Da Hills:

• Tony Rigatoni's = Captain Boo Pong (a.k.a Anthony Rossignoli), X-Smoker Bob, Iron Mike, Quick Mike, and Scholesinator
• Tony R-or-R's = Captain Tony Rhyme-or-Reason, Lewis (without Clark), Diggetty Doug Bails, Junior High, and The Mighty Kerr
• Tuesday Night Titans (TNT) = Coach Bill (a.k.a. Mr. Tuesday Night), Marsh-mellow, Who Killed Kenny, 6 Kids Chris, and Swoop
  
• Admiral Nelson's = Captain Nelly Sr, Nelly Jr, Alexander (without The Great), Gary US Bonds, and Your Athletic Supporter
  

Before I get to Round 1 of the Tournament, I'm contractually obligated by Da Hills Tuesday Night League to report that Coach Bill & his Team completed a 5-game sweep of Tony Rhyme-or-Reason's squad including a female lawyer from Dewey Dicker & Howe plus a guy slightly bigger & less angry than the late great, Hank the Angry Dwarf from the Howard Stern Show. Thus Tony & Coach were selected as Captains today and they wasted no time getting to the grudge rematch in Round 1 in which Tony R-or-R's got their revenge on the grand HHI stage. Meanwhile it was Admiral Nelson's perplexing Tony Rigatoni's with their zone defense & rum-running fast-breaks for their victory.

The Stink'in Losers switched courts for Round 2 at which time Admiral Nelson's layed the Saturday Smack-Down on the Tuesday Night Titans (TNT) or alternately Admiral Nelson's detonated TNT it's Dyno-mite. While simultaneously at the Tony Awards, Tony R-or-R's defeated Tony Rigatoni's with #1 Fan Sandy looking on & asking which of the HHIers is going to date his daughter--we voted Bails as The Bachelor.

The Championship Round saw X-Smoker switching to TNT & getting a win over Rigatoni's on an "alleged" deuce by Mr. Tuesday Night, Coach Bill. I say alleged because I believe in Ronald Reagan's "Trust, But Verify" philosophy, but when I asked Marsh to verify, he also like Ronald Reagan said "I don't recall that". For the Daily Championship, it was Admiral Nelson being exposed as a Captain Morgan rip-off & "I know Captain Morgan and he's no Captain Morgan" as Tony R-or-R's took home the D.C. Belt which I'm sure Tony will be wearing on Tuesday Night.

A LIFETIME BOND THROUGH HOOPS

If you want to read all about HHI's 18th Anniversary Games, read your way down to that through Brian "You Bet Your Sweet Bippy" Rippey's HHI Story below:

A lifetime bond through hoops

BY BRIAN RIPPEY READING EAGLE

Dave Reitz wanted to round up a few friends and talk about old times. He and his buddies from Penn State had begun to drift apart, starting families around Berks County and establishing careers in accounting, marketing and engineering.

Reitz sent out a road rally challenge to have his friends finish at Cornwall Terrace Elementary School in Spring Township to play a little basketball on Labor Day weekend. The guys enjoyed it so much they talked about playing more often. You know how talk can be sometimes. But not for these guys. The group now known as Hills Hoops Inc. gets together to shoot the basketball and more every Saturday morning at the Wyomissing Hills Playground. They’ve been doing it for 18 years.

“It was great,” said Steve Poletti, one of the seven players known as the Founding Fathers. “We all got together, and once we did we said, ‘This is great; we should do it again.’ Then it evolved weekend after weekend.” The core group of the players — that includes founders Reitz, Poletti, Glenn Miller, Kerry Good, John Liptock, John Scholes and Phil Weller — attended Penn State Berks and graduated from Penn State University. They are in their early 50s and still going strong.

Although the players readily admit the basketball itself isn’t anything out of the ordinary, the friendship they share on and off the court is rare. “I guess the biggest thing is the camaraderie, just knowing these guys and being such close friends with them,” Poletti said. “It’s as much fun as it is exercise. We’re just a close-knit group.” In addition to basketball, the players get their families together for an annual picnic, occasional dinner and a Penn State football game.

When Penn State plays Temple Sept. 25, it could be one of the few Saturday mornings “Da Hills” will not be alive with the sounds of bouncing basketballs as the group makes the trek to Beaver Stadium. Hills Hoops Inc. also has formed a Relay for Life team to raise money for the American Cancer Society. Poletti, Liptock and Todd Painton, known as “Free Ride Todd,” are cancer survivors. With encouragement from Poletti, Liptock returned to the court a couple weeks ago after undergoing cancer treatment.

Painton, who went to East Stroudsburg on a basketball scholarship, has received treatment for a rare form of ocular melanoma. He is one of the few Hills Hoops Inc. members who played basketball in high school or college. But he certainly isn’t the only one with a nickname. Miller, known as “Jack Strap” in his blog at http://hillhoops.   blogspot.com/  , has given every player a nickname.

“We played with guys for years, and we don’t know their real names,” said “Mighty” Good. “We just know them by their nicknames.” That’s a lot of nicknames. According to Miller, nearly 150 players have played in the sandlot league at one time or another. The group also has evolved over the years. They used to play street hockey, then played basketball on Saturdays and Sundays, “when we were younger,” Miller says. Now Sundays are reserved for their fantasy football league and catching up on the chores that don’t get done on Saturday.

Hills Hoops Inc. also used to play outside year-round, even when the players had to shovel snow off the courts. Now they pay to play indoors in the winter and use the extra money charged to each player to donate to the American Cancer Society. The group has moved out of Cornwall Terrace and Red Caboose Park, where they often had to dodge foul balls from baseball games at Owls Field, before finding a home in Da Hills.

“Basketball is easy,” Miller said. “You just need a ball. We’ve had reunion hockey games, but they’re hard to get together because you need all the equipment and a rink.” Although they are close friends, Miller said the games are very competitive. Sides are chosen early every Saturday morning and each team will play three games to determine a champion for the day. “We play hard, but we also play real clean,” said Poletti, known as “Swoop.” “We all know we have to go to work on Monday.” Still, Miller admitted there have been assorted injuries, including three broken ankles. But, for most, the benefi ts have far outweighed the aging, aching muscles. “I feel as good as I ever did,” Poletti said.
Contact Brian Rippey: 610-371-5070 or brippey@readingeagle.com 
The big question regarding the picture to the left was "Whose Anthony Rossignoli?" Oh, it's "Boo Pong"

Below Swoop "out-runs" 63 year-old Hacker Bob for a loose ball

WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD HHI

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD HHI, but don't stop playing like Kids. Eighteen Years of playing like Kids was celebrated this AM @ Da Hills & we couldn't have written a better script if we tried. It was a picture-perfect day, everyone was excited about the Reading Eagle's Brian "Sweet Bippy" Rippey's exceptional HHI Story "A lifetime bond through hoops", and a Lucky Thirteen (13) HHI regulars were in action on Labor Day as follows:
* Frankfurters = Captain FU Frank, Chris Shiery the Science Guy-ry, Gary US Bonds, Coach Bill, Quick Mike & Your Athletic Supporter
* Marshmellow Fluff (MF) = Captain Marsh, X-Smoker Bob, Iron Mike, Radon Rader, Who Killed Kenny, and Swoop
* Lucky 13th Man Rover = Mighty Kerr

Game 1 saw the Frankfurters sizzling as they cranked up the Grillmaster 5000 on Marshmellow Fluff while spreading (MF pun intended) their lead to 13-7. At that point, the Fluff appeared to concede as they sent X-Smoker Bob to the bench, but then they changed their minds & called (i.e. illegally substituted) him back in. While the Frankfurters were looking for a Commish Wojo-Mojo (his wife did walk by) Ruling, MF capitalized--cutting the lead to 14-11 before X-Smoker banked & swished in consecutive deuces for their miraculous 15-14 win.

The Frankfurters had been "burned" by X-Smoker in Game 1, but the Daily Championship was still within their grasp if they prevailed in Game #2. But But (the dreaded "Double But") X-Smoker had other diabolical plans for this one as he was not only out to win the D.C., but also discredit Brian Rippey's Story including the Reading Eagle picture that appeared to show Bob playing soft (marshmellow fluff-like) defense & then there was the Swoop quote (note Rippey quoted him more in one story than Jack Strap had in 18 years) "We play hard, but we also play real clean". X-Smoker retorted those with a "Hacking Spree" that bordered on assault & battery and didn't stop until Captain Marshmellow himself hit a Pat-like deuce for the Fluff's 15-14 Daily Championship-winning victory.

But it isn't over until the Frankfurters say it's over and as Animal House's Bluto said "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! And it ain't over now. Cause when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I'm not going to take this." Screw ADULTHOOD HHI! X-Smoker, he's a Dead man! Radon Rader, Dead! Swoop, Dead! This situation required a futile & stupid gesture be done and the Frankfurters were just the guys to do it as they went out there & gave Marshmellow a taste of their own Fluff with Gary US Bonds Game 3-winning 15-14 deuce, and then in the Iron Man Finale (IMF) the Frankfurters Roughed & Rebuffed the Fluff in decisive fashion for the coveted IMF Title.

Well, like I said at the beginning of this "we couldn't have written a better script if we tried" for today or more significantly for the last 18 years--WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD HHI.

NEWCOMERS & COMEBACKERS DAY

By Your Athletic Supporter, Jack Strap

Yours truly is day-to-day on HHI Injured Reserve (I/R) with an achy-breaky back, so was relegated to spectator which is better than a sharp stick-in-the-eye (& maybe even a dull one). It was NEWCOMERS & COMEBACKERS DAY @ Da Hills as ten (10) out of the twenty (20) players (that's 50% to the math-impaired) weren't on the 2009 HHI Roster & the COMEBACKERS were Knee Scab Phil and FU Frank. I missed the HHI Draft today, but the teams forming upon my 8:20am arrival were as follows:
* Wyomissing Hills Park = Free Ride Todd, Quick Mike, D.D. Bales, Marsh-mellow Man, and Tiny Archibald III
* Shiloh Hills Park = K.S. Phil, Gary US Bonds, X-Smoker Bob, FU Frank, and Tokyo John
* Centre Park = Lewis (without Clark), Alexander (without The Great), Reading Hospital Tug-of-War, Dato's "Date"--Deke, and Tony Rhyme-or-Reason who asked if he could be disassociated with Coach Bill on the HHI 150 Family Tree
* South Park = Who Killed Kenny, 6 Kids Chris (whose kids all watch that show), Man o'War, Welcome Matt, and Scholesinator

Round 1 was particularly exciting because I got to do play-by-play cell phone commentary for Swoop & Iron Mike who were on their way to Happy Valley. It should be noted that Swoop predicted that the home team Wyomissing Hills Park would win the Daily Championship (DC) which is obviously the "kiss of death" as they were then defeated by the NEWCOMING Centre Park. On the other side of the Park it was South Park "killing" my hometown team--Shiloh Hills Park.

After the Stink'in Losers switched courts for Round 2, #1 Fan Sandy from Wyomissing Hills via Shamokin joined me in the "broadcast booth". Swoop's Wyomissing Hills Park squad was then defeated by South Park while my Shiloh Hills Park team pulled off the upset vs. young Centre Park as Shiloh Hills own, COMEBACKER Knee Scab Phil hit the game-winner. In consoling Centre Park's Tattoo'd Alexander after their loss, Sandy & I learned that he will be graduating this fall with a Criminal Justice degree from Kutztown U (whose football WR's are coached by HHI's What the Heck). Alex noted that he thought it was a good degree because there would always be criminals & I'd add more of them in bad times than good.

So it all came down to the Daily Championship (DC) Round where first in the Stink'in Losers Bracket, Wyomissing Hills Park beat Shiloh Hills which I called into the proud predictor Swoop who then gave me a not far from State College traffic & weather report--the temperature was only 65 & Iron then stuck his arm out the window to calculate the wind chill at 58 degrees. For Da Hills DC Game, there were (8) NEWCOMERS & only (2) HHI Long-Timers in action: Scholesy & Kenny who were playing for undefeated South Park. But it was Centre Park, with their Criminal Justice Major, stealing (pun intended) the DC from South Park with the victory & the head-to-head tie-breaker.

Hills Hoop Inc. (HHI) returns to action on Monday for their 18th Anniversary Game which is expected to coincide with Reading Eagle Ace Reporter Brian "You Bet Your Sweet Bippy" Rippey's "hard-hitting" expos'e on HHI.